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The other theory I’d read was that rape fantasies were about being irresistible. Being so sexy that a man couldn’t control himself andhadto have you. Which… yeah, rang truer for me, definitely.
Which was probably why I’d found this entire situation arousing at all, what with Holston being out-of-control into me in that way. It was like a fantasy come to life.
Except I was beginning to realize that maybe fantasies shouldstayfantasies.
Because this was starting to not seem arousing at all, just scary.
So, here I was, one hisec ready and willing and the next timid and frightened.
I felt bad for Holston vowing to me that he was somehow going to fight his instincts, because I could see how difficult that was going to be for him, and besides, he shouldn’t even be out here. I had gotten us into this situation by insisting we come out here at all, by not agreeing with him when he said we should turn back.
Maybe this was what I deserved.
Maybe I was just asking for it.
Oh, stars, was I victim-blaming myself?
But weren’t we both victims in this case? Victims of his instinct, his biology, the plant pollen in this region of the planet, the vvoln themselves, the busted tire?
I didn’t blame him.
But maybe I was just saying that to myself because I also needed him. If he left me alone in the wilderness out here, I would die. Either I’d get lost and starve or I’d be eaten by vvoln or…
Well, I did need him.
And if that meant that I had to let him, uh, mount me, well…
I wanted to ask him a thousand questions. Was he going to go totally mad? Would he be able to talk? Would he be a mindless fuck machine? How was this going to go down?
But I got the impression he had no idea.
This had never happened to him.
He was terrified too. He was just as scared as I was, if not more.
We pushed the speeder off the road and got all of our supplies out of it. We strapped packs onto our backs and we hiked off into the starry woods.
He went first, his bow slung over his arm, his hooves picking out a sure path between the trees. We didn’t stay on the road because it wasn’t the quickest way to the coordinates of the ship, so we took a straighter path towards it, going through the trees and underbrush.
I asked how the leaves grew when there was no sun.
He said they didn’t, that by the end of Star Season, they’d be on the ground, browned and dead, and all the trees would be bare limbs.
This was just the beginning of Star Season, then.
So, there was no reprieve for us, nothing from the planet itself.
It would be gemoons before the sun returned to the pole.
We didn’t talk much. I wanted to. I wanted to ask questions. I wanted to apologize. I wanted to try to explain why I would say things that were so contradictory—that I was genuinely attracted to him one hisec and then start crying at the thought of sex with him.
Maybe I wanted to talk about it, because I thought if I did talk, it would make more sense to me.
But we just walked.
We ate ration bars for the lunchtime meal, and then kept going for hihors.
Eventually, I lost all desire to talk because I was exhausted. I wanted to stop. I was not used to walking this long. The pack on my back had been totally bearable at the beginning. Now, it felt like I was lugging a trinx on my back. My legs hurt. My neck hurt from the pack pulling on my shoulders. The place where he’d used his teeth on me? Yeah, that didn’t feel good either. My back hurt. My muscles were sore from all the movement.
