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I wanted to collapse.
When he finally called for a halt, I fell into a heap on the ground, and I didn’t move. I offered to help make the fire, but I didn’t move to do anything, and he didn’t give me any orders.
He gathered branches and fed them to the blaze. Then he disappeared and came back quickly with something dead. It was some kind of small furry thing. I watched while he cut up its belly and ripped off its skin, while he pulled out its guts and tossed them on the fire to hiss and pop.
It was disgusting, obviously, the dead animal, but it was mesmerizing too, how skilled he was with it, how quick and efficient.
Once it was spitted and roasting over the fire, the smell was positively mouthwatering and oddly soporific.
I fell asleep and had to be woken up to eat.
“Oh, stars,” I muttered around a mouthful, wiping off the grease that was running down my chin. “I’ve never tasted anything this good.”
He laughed. “Yeah, there’s nothing like a meal after a long day of walking, that’s for sure.”
“It’s like… it’s better out here,” I breathed, looking up at the sky. “Like it means more somehow?”
“Exactly,” he said, giving me a grin. He was crouched on the ground, resting his forearms on his knees, hooves on display, and I had a full-on view of his crotch and there was no… but I looked away before he could tell I was checking him for his descended penis and scrotum. “You, uh, the resistance, it’s pretty important to you?”
“Obviously,” I said. “I mean, someone has to do something about the Toth.”
He shrugged.
“Don’t you agree? Don’t tell me youlikethe Toth.”
He shrugged again. “The way I figure it, if it’s not the Toth, it’ll be someone else. There’s always got to be someone in charge like that, and whoever it is, whoeverlikesbeing in charge, it’s usually because they find it gratifying. It’s selfish.”
I furrowed my brow, thinking about that. “Well, maybe, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be better, because it can.”
He shrugged again.
“You don’t think so?”
“I…” He looked into the fire. “I mean, things change, and maybe they get better for someone when they do. But I feel like it’s a balance. When something gets better for one group of people, it means it gets worse for someone else.”
“So, what? It’s pointless? We should give up?”
“I’m not saying that. Things don’t have to have a point.” He bit into his meat.
“Yes, they do.”
He chewed. “Sometimes the point is just that it’s gratifying is all, I guess. The best thing you can do is to try to make sure the thing that gives you pleasure hurts the least amount of other people, I guess.”
“That seems really…” I cut myself off.
“What?”
“No, never mind. It’s fine. You should do whatever you want, actually.”
“What were you going to say?”
“I don’t want to piss you off. I want you to keep feeding me.”
He laughed. “Now, you gotta tell me, shei.”
I thought about pointing out he was calling me that again, but if my last outburst about it hadn’t stopped him, nothing was going to. I ate another bite of meat, using my teeth to get it off the bone, licking my fingers. It really was good. “I guess it just sounds kind of shallow and empty and meaningless.”
“Okay.” He was laughing again. “Tell me how you really feel.”
