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“Don’t you h-have to g-go back to work?”
“No. I’m all done for the day.”
“Oh, okay. Then yeah, that sounds n-nice,” I replied with a weak smile. More than anything I just didn’t want him to leave me. I wasn’t feeling proud of the fact, but I also knew I wasn’t in the right headspace to be left alone right then.
Trent wrapped his arm around my waist and led me towards my room. I startled when we walked in and Luca came out of the bathroom with a bundle of wet towels under his arm. I had forgotten he was even in the house. Had he seen me when I was having my total meltdown, I wondered with embarrassment.
“Hey guys,” he greeted with an awkward smile. I saw the way his eyes dipped down and looked over me assessingly.Yep, he definitely saw me in full melt down.“The bathroom’s all good now, and I changed the sheets,” he added as he nodded to the perfectly made bed which had a clean and dry set of pale pink covers on it now.
“Thanks man. You didn’t have to do that, but I appreciate it,” Trent told him and I looked to my feet, completely embarrassed that the security guy had been so concerned about how fucked up I was, he felt the need to step in and help.
I didn’t want him to see my face again. I knew how terrible I looked. I had seen myself in the mirror when I stepped out of the shower. My face was pale and blotchy and my eyes were red raw and so bloodshot from all of the crying. I had tied my hair up on top of my head, but it was a rats nest and I knew it. I was a wreck, but I didn’t have the strength or will to fix it.
“Can I get you anything? You hungry Blake?” Luca asked and when I glanced up slightly, he was bent down, trying to meet my gaze.
“No…thank you. I…I’m just t-tired,” I told him and he nodded.
“We’re going to watch a movie in here,” Trent added.
“Just let me know if you need anything. I’ll be close by,” Luca added before he left the room, closing the door behind him.
All I could think as Trent and I settled on my bed and picked some comedy film out, which I couldn’t concentrate on, was how much I hated what a huge disaster of a fuck up I was. I hated that Trent had been forced to take care of me when I was so out of it and messed up. I hated that Luca had seen me that way, and the worry I knew Dad and the guys would feel when they found out what happened. I hated all of it, hated the trouble I knew I was to all of them and to my bloody self. I wanted to be better – to do better – but I had no idea how I would ever get there. It all just seemed so insurmountable and I felt as though every time I got one step forward, my past was right there dragging me two steps back. How did I make that stop? How did I learn to leave my past where it belonged – way back, behind me? I had no idea. Everyone had told me therapy would help, but so far the results had been minimal and I hated that. I wanted fast turnaround – for my past and all of the issues it caused me to be simply magically erased so I could move forward. I wanted a quick fix – a miracle – something to just make all of this pain and fear stop.
Despairingly, I also knew that was not going to happen. There were no quick fixes. It was going to take time and a lot of work on my part. The issue was, I just didn’t know if I had it left in me to continue down that long and very tough path.
CHAPTER 8
BLAKE
“It’s all your fucking fault!” my mum is leant over me, where I lay on the floor. I can feel blood trickling from my lip where she already backhanded me so hard I dropped to the ground hard. She has her hand around my throat now, cutting off my air and holding me in place as I flail beneath her, trying to get free. “He left because of you! He was sick of your whining and moanin’ all the time.”
I shook my head as much as I could, desperately trying to deny what she was saying, that her creepy, pervert boyfriend had packed his bags and walked out on her because he hated me. He had walked out on her because he wasn’t getting enough money from her to fuel his drug habit, and had gone looking for greener pastures, or at least a younger model he could pimp out.
The first closed fist hit to my face made things hazy and fuzzy. Even after fifteen years of hits from my mum, the strength she possessed still surprised me. She was nothing but skin and bone, the drugs she used making her thin and withered, and yet she punched with the force of a bloody heavy weight boxer. If only I had inherited her right hook, I’d maybe have a chance of fighting off the monsters she brought to my room each night.
The blows came thick and fast after that, to my face, chest, and stomach. I tried to fight her off, but I was significantly smaller than her, and she had the size advantage, not to mention I was still sore and slow from the beating, the man causing all of this, had given me the night before.
All I can do is curl in on myself, hoping I can somehow protect my head and face. Bruises on my face are the hardest to hide when I have to go to school the next day.
“I fucking hate you!” Mum screams as she hits and kicks any part of me she can get to. “You ruin fucking everything! I should have killed you before you were even born!” I can’t stop the tears that roll down my cheeks at her hate filled words. It’s far from the first time I have heard them, but that doesn’t make them hurt any less. Maybe she’s right, Maybe it would have been better for everyone, most of all me, if I had never actually been born.
My eyes shot open in a panic and I sat bolt upright and looked around me, gasping for breath and instinctively looking around me to anticipate my mum’s next hit.
“Hey. You’re okay, sweetheart. You’re home and safe,” Dad soothed and I realised he was perched on the bed beside me. When I looked up to him and he wrapped an arm around me, pulling me into his side, I calmed instantly and sank into him.
He was dressed in jeans and a soft, black wool jumper, obviously having changed since he got home from the office.
“Sorry,” I gasped as I tried to pull back after a few moments, feeling a little calmer and not wanting to worry him more than I already had.
“None of that now,” he told me as he refused to let me pull away from his hug. “Just take some deep breaths and relax. Let me take care of my daughter for a few moments.”
Wanting the comfort he was offering, I sank back into his arms, resting my head against his warm chest and holding him just as tight as he was holding me.
After the moment I had just relived in that nightmare, his fatherly comfort and safety was exactly what I needed.
I had no idea how long I had slept, but it hadn’t left me feeling rested. Instead I felt even more raw than I had when I had laid with Trent before. The nightmare had only added to my anxiety and I wanted nothing more than to just stay hidden from the world, safe there with my dad.
“You’re shaking Blake. Tell me what I can do to make this better for you, please,” Dad asked as he held me, and I hated that I was causing him to worry about me yet again.
