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“Just hold me. It h-helps,” I told him, having no better answer to offer.
“I wish I could take it all away from you, sweetheart. I wish there was some way I could magically make everything better for you,” he sighed.
“You already do, just b-by being here with me. You make things better,” I assured him. He was still tense as he held me for a few moments, and I knew it was because that wasn’t enough for him. He wouldn’t stop feeling guilty for what happened to me and he wanted to do more to take it all from me. He hated that he couldn’t, but I wished he would just realise how very much he gave me with just a smile or a hug – how loved he made me feel when no one else had ever bothered. Just the fact he cared about making things better meant more to me than he could ever know.
“Hey,” Trent’s voice came as the door to my room opened quietly. I pulled away from the hug and sat up, quickly swiping the tears from my cheeks. “You doing okay in here?” he asked as I looked up to him.
“Just a nightmare,” Dad told him as he ran a hand up and down my back, comfortingly.
“I’m okay,” I added, not wanting Trent to worry any more than he already was.
“Your boy toys are all here, and they’re gonna kill me if I don’t let them in here to see you soon. That okay, short stack?” Trent asked with a grin, but I suddenly gasped, my chest feeling tight and panic instantly consuming me.
The guys, my guys, couldn’t come in and see me like this. I didn’t want them witnessing me at such a low. I didn’t want them to see me in such a sorry state. It was one thing for my Dad and Trent to see it. They were my family – my flesh and blood. They were pretty stuck with me, regardless. But my guys – they could see me in this state and choose to walk away. They could decide I was way more trouble than they were willing to handle.
No, I didn’t have the strength I needed to face all of them and there was no way I wanted any of them seeing me so weak and pathetic.
“No!” I gasped as my pants for breath became desperate in a matter of moments. I looked to Trent pleadingly as tears filled my eyes and ran down my cheeks. “Please…I…I can’t…not l-like this…not n-now,” I begged, my words forced out amongst my frantic battle to keep breathing.
“Fuck Blake!” Trent gasped as he closed my bedroom door and hurried as much as he could over to me. He sat on my other side and took my trembling hand in his. “Just breathe. Everything’s alright. I promise no one is coming in here unless you want them to.”
“He’s right, sweetheart. Whatever you need. Just try to slow down and breathe now,” Dad agreed as he continued to run his hand up and down my back gently.
“I just…I can’t…” I gasped. “M-make them go…please Trent. I can’t…not now…not like this. I d-don’t want them to see me l-like this…”
“I will, okay. I’ll get rid of them. Please, just stop trying to talk and focus on breathing for me. Deep breath in and hold it,” Trent guided.
I tried to do as he said, but I couldn’t stop looking to the door, sure one or all of my guys would burst in at any moment. I knew it was just because they were worried about me, because they cared, but I didn’t want them seeing me that way. I also knew, if I was really honest, I just didn’t have it in me to try and deal with my feelings for them all that day. It was hard trying to navigate our relationship on my good days. On one where I had crumbled so completely, it was just more than I could handle.
“Stay with Trent, sweetheart. I’ll get rid of everyone,” Dad said as he placed a soft kiss on top of my head and then got to his feet. He must have noticed me anxiously looking to the door. I was just grateful he was going to get the guys to go.
I knew that they would be hurt I wouldn’t see them, but the truth was, I just couldn’t.
GREY
“I knew it was too fucking soon to leave her alone,” Declan hissed angrily as we all sat around the island, in the kitchen, waiting for Trent to come and tell us Blake would see us. Not one of us had been happy when Trent stopped us all from racing into her room, but we knew deep down that he was right when he insisted on checking with Blake, if she felt up to seeing us all. As desperate as we all were to set eyes on her, we also knew it had to be on her terms, especially when she had such a rough day.
We had all arrived there for dinner and to see our girl around the same time that night, only to find Trent looking haggard and worried sick, and Luca pacing anxiously.
Declan and Liam lost it when Trent explained what had happened, demanding to know why Luca hadn’t called us all immediately. I was pissed too, but I understood that Trent had been closest and therefore able to get there the fastest. That didn’t explain why Trent hadn’t contacted us all after he got home and saw Blake needed us though.
“It was what Blake wanted, Dec. We have to respect what she needs,” Tom sighed. He was continuously pulling off his glasses to rub at his eyes – a sign he was just as stressed as the rest of us, even though he was trying to appear the calm one.
“Not if it’s the wrong decision and winds up hurting her,” Declan growled.
“You need to cool down,” I warned as I nodded to him. “You can’t go in and see her when you’re so tightly wound.”
“I can’t do that until I get eyes on her and see for myself she’s alright,” he growled.
“I’m worried this is all our fault,” I admitted aloud.
“What? Why?” Liam asked as he looked to me.
“What if we’ve been pushing too hard? I mean Blake was clear when she told us she wasn’t ready and needed whatever is between us to go slow. Can we honestly say we’ve respected that?”
“We’ve only kissed her,” Liam scoffed.
“And all of the touches, and the deep talks we’ve thrust on her. Think about it all from Blake’s point of view. Think about everything she’s been through, and how much all that’s passed between the five of us must have terrified her. I mean there’s four of us! That would be a lot for any woman to process, but after all Blake has suffered,” I explained with a sigh.
