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“I d-don’t have a swimsuit,” I pointed out, relieved for the excuse.
“We bought you one. We’ve had it for weeks in case you ever felt like swimming when you were here. It’s in the pool house,” Dec nodded to the small building that was off to the left of the pool. It looked like a mini version of the house, a very straight and boxy white building, with just one level.
“I c-can’t.”
“Can’t or won’t?” Dec pushed even harder, challenging me because he knew I couldn’t resist. I looked up to him and allowed my fear to show in my face. I wanted to rise to his challenge, like I had every time he had pushed me in that same way in our physio sessions, but I couldn’t. “What’s wrong? Talk to me,” he urged as he leant across the table and pulled my hand into one of his.
“I…I haven’t been swimming since…since the injury and even before that…I’m not a good swimmer. What if I c-can’t do it now? Or what if the water m-makes my muscles cramp? It happens sometimes…in the bath…I think because of the w-water. I…I’m scared,” I admitted.
“Blake, look at me,” Declan demanded when I continued to stare at the now warm half-bottle of water before me. I took a deep breath, embarrassed to have to tell him my fear of something so trivial, but eventually looked up and met his eyes. “We’d never allow anything happen to you, beautiful. You really think we’d just stand back and leave you to drown if we saw you struggling?”
“Well, no…but w-what if you weren’t looking?” I asked, even though I knew it sounded like something a six year old would say.
“Trust me, tiger. Not one of us is going to be looking at anything else when you step out here in a swimsuit,” he purred, making me feel all hot and tingly inside. “Go on, put the suit on. When you’re ready I’ll help you in and stay right beside you while you get used to the water, okay?”
“Okay,” I agreed, still terrified. Dec stood from the table, but surprised me when he leant over it and placed his hand on my cheek, turning my face until I was craning my neck to meet his eyes.
“I would never let you drown,” he promised. “I will never let anything bad happen to you, Blake. None of us will. We’ve got you, always got you.” I nodded, my throat too tight to allow any words to pass. He nodded once in return, then took my hand and walked me over to the glass doors into the pool house. “I’ll wait here for you,” he told me, then he ushered me inside.
Once the door was closed behind me I just stood frozen for a moment trying to take in all that the guys had said. They had barely even flinched at what I had asked them to do. Yes, Declan had pushed a bit, but that was just Declan. I never expected anything less. They still wanted me though. They were happy to slow down and move our relationship at a snail’s pace, all for me. They were happily giving me what I needed and that meant so very much. The understanding they had shown, and even the edge of reluctance I saw each of them push back, it all just added to the feelings I had for them and solidified my determination to get to a place where I could be everything they deserved from me.
***
“This is a mistake,” I groaned to myself as I watched my reflection turn back and forth in the mirror.
The swimsuit the guys had picked out for me was very modest, which had both surprised and delighted me. It was black and came up over my cleavage, tying around my neck. It was a two piece, but the top came down to meet the top of the shorts, so it covered me entirely. The shorts were like boy shorts, so all of me was nicely covered. Except my scars. The back of the suit was open, and from my waist up the only fabric was the thin tie at the back of my neck. That meant almost my entire back was on show and the scars there were far from pretty. Most of the ones at the front were covered, so that was something, but I dreaded the guys seeing my back in the full light of day. I knew they had seen glances of the marks on my body, when they helped me take care of myself in the hospital, but for the most part they’d had their eyes closed, so at most they’d seen quick glimpses of small areas. Never all of it, and never in such bright light.
My entire torso was a visual reminder of the violence I had seen throughout my life. Some of the scars were from my mum’s outbursts, others were from the monsters who ‘visited’ me at night – the ones who wanted or needed to do just that little bit more, to see me shed even more tears, or scream louder in order to reach their happy ending. The worst scars though, were from my days in that cellar, mostly inflicted by The Sadist. Along with the burns from the blow torch on my shoulder blades, there were also cigarette burns and some deep, puckered scars caused by a sharp blade.
In other words, my entire torso, front and back, was vomit inducing. Thankfully my stomach and chest were covered, but not my back. That was all on open display, and I just didn’t know if I had the strength that day to see the guys reactions to the state my body had been left in. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to keep it together if they were repulsed as I was each time I caught sight of the scars. Jesus, I still hadn’t even found the strength to look at the full reflection of my body in a mirror yet. I hadn’t been able to bring myself to do it once since my dad had rescued me. How could I expect anyone else to look at the scars when I couldn’t even do it myself?
“Blake? You ever coming out of there, tiger?” Dec called as he knocked on the door of the pool house. Inside there were several huge stalls for changing. In the centre there was a row of sinks and the huge mirror I was currently looking in. Off to the right there was a room filled with three huge shower stalls and to the left there were both male and female toilets. Everything was tiled with fancy looking cream marble and the stalls were made of solid, dark coloured wood. It smelled heavily of lemon, but not unpleasantly so.
I glanced to the dress I had pulled off and considered slipping it over the swimsuit. It didn’t hide all of my scars either, but it hid the majority of them and I was good with that.
Realising if I did that, then I’d have no dry clothes to wear home though, I opted to just leave it and get out there. These men wanted a relationship with me – they’d just said as much. They were going to see my scars sometime. Why not right then? May as well just get it over with, I decided.
“I was about to send in the search party,” Dec laughed when I opened the glass door and stepped out feeling a little shaky with nerves and exhaustion. It had been an emotional roller-coaster over the last three days, and with only very little restless sleep, it was taking a toll on me.
“I think that would have been a short search,” I told him as I slid my hand into the one he was offering to me. He led me the very short distance to the pool where the others were passing a rugby shaped ball, or more likely, American football, between them.
“Okay guys. Blake’s nervous about swimming and thinks were all gonna let her drown. Let’s prove her wrong,” Dec declared as we approached. I looked up at him with a glare that would have made him drop dead if looks really could kill.
“I did not say that!” I defended myself as the guys all looked to me with worry.
“Can’t you swim, jelly bean?” Liam asked as he tossed the ball he was holding near the edge and came toward me.
“I can. I l-learnt a little at school. We had six w-weeks of lessons. I just…I’m not great and I haven’t been swimming for years….definitely not since the injury,” I explained.
“We’re not going to let anything happen to you, little warrior,” Tom told me with a reassuring smile.
“Swimming is supposed to be a good form of physio, isn’t it Dec?” Grey asked.
“It’s a good way to build muscle strength, and it’s easier because the water means it’s low impact,” Dec agreed. “But I don’t want you trying it without someone with you, especially if you’re not a strong swimmer. You want to swim, you let me know and I’ll come with you.”
“Or any of us. You only have to ask,” Liam added as he threw Dec a pointed look.
“Let’s j-just see if I survive this swim before we contemplate the n-next,” I told them dryly, and they all chuckled, but I wasn’t joking. I was scared I was just going to sink like a stone, my limbs freezing up on me the second I hit the water.
