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“Was there something kinky that you wanted to do with the extra bed?”
Derrick thought that he was being cute, and I guess in a way he was, but I was humiliated. The mortification only got worse the more he talked about it. He thought it was funny, but I did not. I ignored him until we got to the room.
The room was gorgeous. I was quickly understanding money in a different context than I had in the past. When you had money, the world was literally a prettier place. Everything was beautiful, clean, ready to be used. There were certain parts of his lifestyle that I could get used to, and the beautification of everything around me was certainly one of them.
I was wrapped up in the scenery, and Derrick came in behind me and wrapped his arms around me. It was a good feeling. I liked the warmth and hardness behind me. It was amazing to feel him, and it didn't take long at all for him to change my mind about everything. A few minutes later, I couldn't even remember my own name, let alone any embarrassment I thought I had. So, the last thing I was worried about was what I had said or not said. Derrick had a way of putting things in perspective.
37
Derrick
Every minute that I was with her, I felt like I was falling just a little bit deeper. Augustine added color to my life more than I thought was possible. I had known that I'd wanted her sure, didn't want to lose an opportunity, that sort of thing, but it was so much more than that. That was the big surprise. I thought that I knew what I was doing. I was just getting what I wanted, pretty much what I always did. Nothing new, but then, of course, I started to realize that I literally had no idea what I was talking about. I was playing this game like I knew, but I didn't. I thought I knew what love was, but Augustine was showing me daily that what I thought was just the tip of the iceberg, and I had so much more to learn. That was hard, having that humility to admit that. I didn't want it to be true, simply because I didn't like any scenario where I wasn't completely in control. We were late for the conference because I couldn't keep my control.
After having a very long session with Augustine, all I was thinking about was being back at the hotel with her. I was supposed to give a speech, tell everyone how they should make the most of their time and their business and become just like me. The funny thing was as soon as Augustine came into the picture, I cared less and less about all the rest of it. I didn't care how much profit I was making on a daily basis. There was a time where I kept up with it on the hour. How ridiculous was that? It used to be something that I would brag about at a conference, tell everyone how they could be literally just like me and now it all felt flat. Having Augustine in the audience was one thing, but hearing it myself and not even believing it was another.
So, the conference wasn't my best, the speech wasn't my best, and I was really feeling off of my game. I would never say that I wasn't glad that Augustine was here. I had asked her to come after all, but I started to see it for what it was. This was the first time in a long time that I cared, and caring was a lot harder than not caring. It was easier to go through life when nobody knew me. I was always a secret and enigma, but with Augustine, it couldn't be that way. We were married, and even before then, she was the type of woman that lived right into my soul from the get-go. I didn't think that was going to change.
Usually, I would get a couple of drinks after the conference because I would be feeling so good, but I wasn’t feeling great. Instead, I wanted to go back to the hotel and even then I had to second guess it, because Augustine's face crumbled, and I asked her what was the matter. She gave me the dreaded answer of nothing. Obviously, that wasn't true, so I waited a minute and asked her again.
We were almost to the hotel room when she said that she was going to go out for a little bit. That was definitely not what I wanted to hear, but I needed to let her go. I was so wrapped up in her that I couldn't even do my job, so maybe we both needed a few minutes of a break. I didn't want to hold on too much, even if it was a lot easier than I would have imagined.
* * *
Augustine was gonefor a couple of hours, and I was all kinds of worked up on the inside when she got back. I didn't know why I was feeling so outside of myself. Just that little bit of time without her and I remembered how much I needed her. That's what it was, I needed her. That was a scary feeling to have because I’d never needed anybody before in my life. Why was Augustine so different? That's what I had to keep asking myself. What was it about Augustine that made everything so different? I looked at everything differently, the whole world differently. It didn't make any sense. How could one person make such a difference in my life?
All of these emotions bubbled out in sex. I was trying my damnedest to get her attention and cover up the fact that I was shaking inside because I'd been away from her for just a little bit of time. It didn't make me feel good. I didn't know why I felt so needy, but it wasn't a good feeling at all, and I had a feeling she wasn't going to respond well to it.
I still failed to hide it and started to kiss her soon as she came in. I was like a man dying of thirst and she was the last water on earth. My emotions were too intense, I actually physically backed up from her, because it freaked me out so much. Why was everything so different with Augustine? The feelings I had for her defied reality.
“Are you okay, Derrick?”
I laughed and it wasn't the sanest laugh in the world, I will admit. She kind of gave me this funny look and asked me what was going on. I didn't even know what was going on. I wasn't supposed to have these sorts of emotions and feel like this. It was so intense, so much more than ever before and because of that, it was almost too much. It was a lot.
“Yeah, Augustine, I'm fine. Where have you been?”
It was all I could think about. Where the hell had she been? I must have had something from my past crop up to make me this way, some abandonment issues I had with my mother and father. Whatever it was, I did not like the feeling at all. Logically, I knew that I wasn't supposed to hold on too tight, put that other part of me that I couldn't control, wanted to cling for dear life.
“I got a drink, checked out the area. I thought that's what we would do together, but you were having a moment, so I wanted to give you some time to process it. Obviously, you haven't gotten there yet. Do you want me to leave for a little bit longer or get a separate room?” Augustine asked seriously. The last thing I wanted was for her to leave me again.
“No! Why would I want you to leave?”
She came toward me and didn't say anything, just touched lightly on my face with her fingers, tracing the outside and then my cheek and jaw, coming around to my neck and shoulders. It tickled and the technique completely got us out of the moment. In seconds I felt better.
“Are you going to tell me why you are acting like this or do you want to just do something else?”
“What do you have in mind?” I really liked where this conversation was going. I was feeling better by the second.
She kissed me softly, her lips always perfection. My lips still tingled from her touching them and somehow electrified the kiss even more. I didn't know if I had taught her that or not, but she definitely knew how to use her wiles to get her way. Augustine was a quick study. It hadn't taken her long at all to figure that out, to figure me out.
38
Augustine
Ilaid in bed and looked at Derrick. He was sleeping and I was sore from head to toe. We hadn’t left the hotel in two days. The conference was over, we should be back at work, but we were here in this bed instead. Worse than that, I was his assistant, so I knew what he was supposed to be doing. He had several meetings that he wasn’t going to, and I noticed the change in him when he was up there giving his speech. Something had changed, I worried that it was me. Had I broken him in some way?
He looked perfectly happy and there was a smile on his face, even as he slept. It was so strange to see Derrick in this way, calm and so familiar. We had a great time here, but I wondered what we were doing. Why had he changed so much in such a short amount of time? It didn’t make any sense.
I contemplated what changes had come and how everything was so different than I’d thought it would be. Marriage was so intimate, the act of getting into someone’s mind was a lot. I felt like I knew him as well as I’d known anyone in my life. That was just after weeks. How would we feel when there were months and even years behind us? When had I ever thought about a future so far ahead before?
