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Cass sits in a quiet corner with her hand on a crib, gently rocking it back and forth and looking as though she’s about ready to pass out. My heart breaks for her. I can’t imagine what fresh hell she’s been through over the past twelve hours. She’s gone from being excited about meeting her niece, to grieving a loved one, to now becoming a temporary, full-time caregiver for a newborn baby.
I gently knock on the window, hoping I don’t wake up any of the babies, and I watch as Cassie’s eyes ping open, her gaze lifting to meet mine through the glass. Her face lights up for the quickest moment, and as I smile back at her, the heaviness returns and the light completely disappears.
Her face breaks, and as her bottom lip starts to wobble, the tears spring from her eyes. And after looking down to check the baby, she rushes out of the nursery. I catch her in my arms, and the second her face smooshes into my neck, we each fall apart, weeping over the loss of our friend.
“Are you alright?” I ask a few minutes later as we both start wiping our eyes.
She sniffles and shakes her head. “No,” she tells me. “I don’t have a single clue what I’m doing here. I’m not maternal. Hell, I don’t even know how to change a diaper. I’m so out of my depth, and it’s only been a few hours. But there’s nothing I can do. I’ve been trying to google everything, but it’s just—I’ve never been a mom before or ever cared for someone other than myself. I don’t know what I’m doing. I can’t be responsible for a newborn, but none of the boys would be able to handle it.”
“Hey,” I say, trying to soothe her panic. “It’s going to be alright. The fact that you’re standing here, willing to do this to help Sean, speaks volumes. We’ve just gotta figure out what she needs and take it one step at a time.”
“I . . . I don’t think I can,” Cassie admits. “Every time she cries, I can’t help but think that she needs her mommy.” The second the word mommy comes out of her mouth, we both break down again, tears falling from our eyes. “Do you want to come and meet her?” Cass finally asks when we’ve both regained control of ourselves.
“Yeah, I’d love to,” I tell her.
Cass takes my hand, and we walk into the nursery as quietly as possible. She leads me to her niece with a proud smile, and I peer over the edge of the bassinet, taking in the most precious angel I’ve ever seen. “Wow,” I say as I look down at the gorgeous little soul. “She’s beautiful.”
A tear escapes my eye as I notice how most of her little features are an exact baby version of Sara’s. The big eyes, the light hair, the cheeks. It goes on and on. “She looks just like her,” I whisper.
“Yeah,” Cass says. “She sure does.”
Glancing up at her name card, I realize it’s still empty. “Does she have a name yet?” I ask, noticing how all the other babies are perfectly filled out.
“No . . . actually, I don’t know. She’s just baby Waters for now. Sean came to see her for about thirty seconds. He took one look at her, and it’s like his whole world just shattered all over again. I know she needs him right now, but he’s not ready, and I don’t want to force her on him until I know he’s going to be able to care for her properly.”
Damn. Every word she says is like taking a shot straight to the chest. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for all of them, Sean in particular. “Do you know what you’re going to do when she gets discharged?”
“No, I’ve been thinking about it. I’m not sure if I should move in with Sean until he can handle it or if I just set up a nursery at home and keep her with me. I guess it all comes down to Sean. She’s either going to help him heal or make it harder.”
“I can’t imagine being in your position right now,” I tell her. “Just remember, I’m here if you need me.”
The baby cries and Cass looks up at the clock with an unsure cringe. “I think she’s hungry again?” she says, but it comes out more like a question. “Or maybe she wants to sleep . . .”
“Okay, grab her a bottle and we’ll give it a try,” I tell her in a calming tone, trying to help her see that this doesn’t need to be a panic. It’s nothing but a little trial and error until you get it right. “If that’s not what she wants, she’ll tell you, and then we can try a sleep.”
