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I never thought I’d willingly return to this building.
I hated almost every moment spent within these walls. As a child I never understood why we had to come, or why I had to be subjected to the disdain. My moms protected me as well as they could, and they always tried to help me to understand that we had a calling to attend. I loved and trusted my moms, but I still struggled. It wasn’t until I was older that I came to understand our sacrifice and learned who they truly worshiped, but I don’t think it was until recently that I truly realized how right they were.
In an effort to finally fit in and play the prodigal daughter returning home, I’ve dressed in black from literally head to toe, but only on the outside. Others will see a black suit with my hair pinned up and covered by a wide brimmed black hat, but underneath I’m wearing a white lace bodysuit and using white hairpins.
Cas is standing at the door to the temple greeting worshipers as they enter, and his smile falters and turns uneasy when he sees me approaching.
“Laur, hi. I, um… I didn’t expect to actually see you here.”
“Hi,” I reply as my moms kiss him on the cheek and make their way inside. “I’m sorry about the other day. I guess being back here is harder than I thought it would be, especially with mom’s condition. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”
“No, please don’t worry about it. I completely understand,” he smiles sadly. “I’m just happy to see you, even if I’m sorry for the circumstances. Maybe we can chat longer after worship?” He nods behind me at the crowd that I didn’t realize had gathered.
“Oh, of course. I’ll see you later, Cas.”
The gasp of the older woman behind me at my bold use of his name instead of his title makes me roll my eyes as I meet his amused gaze. His eyes shine bright with mirth for a moment, and it’s like we’re young and in love again. My own smile falters when I’m hit with such a strong feeling of nostalgia that I feel tears start to form, and before things can turn awkward I hurry into the building to join my moms. They’ve taken seats towards the front of the temple, saving the spot on the end for me.
The temple is bathed in soft amber light, the walls are painted gray, and the floor, stage, and stadium seating are made of wood stained almost black. The altar is covered with a black cloth that is so long it puddles on the ground and is the only area of the room with white lighting. It’s a perfect stage for the Reverant’s performances.
Reverant Addamson appears minutes later, starting the program with his usual self-important flair. It takes all of my energy to keep from busting out in laughter when I see his hair, and Mom reaches over and pinches my thigh in warning. Thank the Goddess they warned me, because had I not known what was coming I would have lost it. My eyes shoot over to Cas who has joined his father on the stage, and I’m surprised to immediately meet his eyes. No doubt he was waiting to see my reaction to his father’s horrible dye job. His miniscule smirk makes me shake my head in exasperation.
How do people not realize he’s dying his hair? The white is such an unnatural shade and his roots are so obviously darker that it’s comical. My only thought is that he has ingrained absolute obedience into his followers. They would never even dream of questioning him.
Although seeing Cas participating on stage is jarring, the service progresses almost exactly as I remember it. The same calls and answers, the same songs. In contrast, the Reverant has changed both physically and in his demeanor. His ridiculous hair notwithstanding, it looks as if he’s lost a lot of weight and there’s a more feverish tone to his words. As he speaks, spittle starts creating foam in the corners of his mouth, flying out from time to time.
I do my best to keep my eyes straight and pretend as if I’m focusing on the Reverant, but too often I find my attention shifting back to Cas. Each time I seek him out, our eyes lock. Each time I find longing on his face, but when he sees me looking at him he does his best to remove any hint of emotion. Those brief glimpses of his true feelings just crack the bitter cage around my heart even further.
Can they possibly be right? Is it possible that we would be able to bridge the gap between us? Does he really want to? It took a long time and a lot of refusals, but I finally started dating in college. I ended up having a few long-time boyfriends, but never anyone that stuck. Never anyone that I felt was worth truly letting down my walls for. Any time a boyfriend started mentioning the future or even hinting at the “L word,” I ran. I don’t know if it was because I was afraid of committing again, because I just didn’t like them enough, or because I was afraid I’d let my guard down and they’d leave me too.
Maybe it was because they just weren’t him.
I’m so lost in my own musings I don’t realize the service has ended. Mom nudges me quickly enough that I am able to prepare for Reverant coming to me instead of being startled by him, and I have time to brace myself for his bullshit.
“It is so good to see you, Reverant,” Sil says with false cheer, giving me time to brace myself to speak to this horrid man for the first time in years.
He directs his words to my moms, but keeps his attention on me. “And you, Sylvia. Marian, how are you doing? Well, I hope.”
“Yes, thank you Reverant. My chemo begins in two weeks, so hopefully this feeling lasts for a while.”
“Of course. I will keep you in mind when I speak with our Radiant Father.” He finally gives her a moment of attention, before turning his gaze back to me. “Laurel, it is good to have you back here where you belong. I am glad you have followed the Light back to his temple and graces.”
“Reverant Addamson,” I force out with a strained smile, “thank you. It’s good to be home.” Home. Not here. He’s too self involved to catch the truth of my words, but my mom does and pinches me again.
“I am glad to hear it. Not that you’re back I expect to see you often in worship.” His leering gaze rakes me from head to toe, something he’s never done before and I hope never happens again. “Since you’ve been away for so long, if you feel that you need some personal counseling please don’t hesitate to let me know. I have offered the same to your mothers, however, neither have decided to take me up on that.” He reaches out and runs his hand slowly down my arm while continuing to examine me harder than someone in his position should. Thankfully, before I can jerk away from him in disgust Cas pops up at my side and startles his father into releasing me.
“Laurel,” he says, acting as if he’s surprised to find me here. “It’s so nice to see you here. Welcome back to the Light.”
I turn away from his father and am about to respond with something snippy until I meet his eyes, which are dancing with mirth. Fucker! He knows that I won’t make a scene in public and embarrass my moms, so he’s baiting me just like he used to. I squint at him and promise a slow, painful death.
“Thank you, Cleric,” I grit out through clenched teeth, exaggerating his title. “It’s good to be home,” I repeat.
“Home? Or at worship?”
Fucking shit stirrer, I’m going to kill him.
“Oh you know me,” I respond with false cheer, “I can make the best of things wherever I am.”
Struggling to hide his irritation at the interruption the Reverant grits out, “As I was saying, Laurel, please let me know if you need anything. Now that you have returned to the Light, I am available if your current situation becomes too much for you to handle. My door is always open for you. And your family.” The last sentence seems to be added as an afterthought.
