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Could I?
The thought hung in my mind a fraction too long before I shook my head.
Eden deserved the fucking world, and that wasn’t me.
My chest tightened at the thought that it wouldn’t be me giving it to her. That I’d never see her emerald eyes light up again.
Eden had done nothing but give me the deepest parts of herself, and she did so freely and wholly because that’s just the type of woman she was. Still, I couldn’t tell her who I was when the alcohol and grief dissipated and the light of day shone through my gaping flaws. Hell, I could barely even admit it to myself at that moment.
So I did the cowardly thing.
I left her a note and all the money I had in my wallet, hoping it was enough to take care of whatever she needed.
Then I paid for the room and left the woman who saw deep to the very heart of me, and said yes without a second thought.
CHAPTER TEN
NATE
I pulled out of the hotel parking lot and struggled against the urge to look back.
The drive across town to the university was somber, despite the clear skies. I prayed a Hail Mary for each of the twenty two minutes it took, and when I pulled into the parking lot, Tristan was waiting for me outside the sacristy door.
My best friend wasn’t a crotchety old priest. We were the what-a-waste-brothers, a deacon and priest breaking the hearts of Catholic women everywhere. That didn’t mean Tristan didn’t value morals or the doctrine of the church, but I was confident he’d absolve me of my sins.
Then he’d take off his priestly hat and read me the damn riot act.
Was Eden waking up yet?
Had she found my note?
Fuck.
It didn’t matter.
There wasn’t a future in which she was at my side, as much as a part of me wished there could be.
I followed him inside, and there in the empty church, Tristan listened intently as I told him my tragic tale of sin and debauchery. The way my heart broke when Bill showed up at the cemetery and proclaimed he’d been having an affair with my late wife for more than half our marriage, forever tainting her memory. I explained how I lost sight of my purpose and stumbled into a pub with the goal of finding the bottom of a bottle. Instead I found the arms of arguably the most beautiful woman I’d ever met, with hair of fire and eyes that lit up my soul. She met me in the darkness of my soul and showed me the cracks of light through the keyhole in the door. But it wasn’t true light. My need for control and sadistic tendencies were the light of the flames of hell on the other side.
Tristan was silent, only asking for clarification a handful of times, and mostly when it came to Maggie and Bill. Never Eden. I kept my head down, unwilling to look at my priest and friend and find disappointment in his eyes.
I already held enough of that sentiment for the both of us.
When I’d finished reciting the Act of Contrition, Tristan exhaled a lofty breath and I winced, ready for his sentencing.
“Penance is not meant to be a punishment. Though I get the feeling you want me to provide you with an impossible task. Something that will force you to examine your behavior through work and prayer, but that’s not what I’m called to give you.”
“Now is not the time for your—”
“No, Nate!” Tristan snapped, his uncharacteristically harsh tone echoing off the arches of the church. “Now is not the time for you to speak. You’ve done enough of that. I’ve heard enough. I want you to answer me one thing. Were you happy?”
The honest answer was on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn’t will myself to speak it out loud.
“Happy breaking my vows? No,” I shook my head, “that’s why I’m here begging for forgiveness.”
“No, were you happy with her?”
I opened my mouth and closed it again, the word no on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn’t bring myself to utter the lie.
