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The truth was that spending the night with Eden was the happiest I’d been in a long time, but that didn’t make it right.
“I see.” Tristan hesitated and steepled his hands in front of his lips as if he was searching for the right words. When he found them his voice was steady, and I recognized it as the same way he talked to students—which was telling of exactly how he felt. “I believe God is calling you to examine your life. Your vows aren’t meant to be a burden, they are there to enhance your life, but right now it seems as if they are caught in the middle of a war between your past and your future. I know Maggie helped bring you into the light, but that woman only hindered you in the long run, and now you’re lost. Your penance is to think long and hard about your life. Explore the dark corners and the cracks, and find out who you really are, and where God is calling you. I want you to see a therapist, and we’ll have weekly check-ins. In addition, I’d also like you to discern the priesthood.”
My mouth fell open and I tried to process what he was saying. He’d never really liked Maggie, even if she was the reason we became friends in the first place. She believed Tristan would be a good influence on me in my faith, and ultimately, she wasn’t wrong. While she held nothing but love for Tristan, my best friend had always believed she was conniving and manipulative.
Hindsight was really twenty-twenty on that one.
With wide eyes I scoffed, even though his words hit home. “Really Tristan, the priesthood?”
He threw up his hands in mock surrender. “Hey now, I know you’ve said it’s not for you and I respect that, but the reality is Maggie is gone, and if you are going to honor the vows you made to God, why not consider becoming a priest? You can’t remarry, and you love ministry more than any lay person I’ve ever met. You are called to it the same as I was, why not lean into it?”
Bile rose in my throat and I struggled to swallow it down. I’d never considered the priesthood, it wasn’t my calling, but neither was being alone. This was what I’d struggled with in silence over the last year. I threw myself into ministry to keep myself from facing the fact I’d be alone forever, but it worked for me. That was until Eden came along and reminded me how amazing the connection could be between a man and a woman.
“I wish you could see the look on your face.” He smiled and his eyes softened, so much so that I could almost hear the pity in his stare. “You don’t need to make a decision now. The window in which you can apply for the seminary won’t open for another year. It’s a requirement that you allow yourself to grieve the loss of your wife.”
“I know the requirements,” I snapped more harshly than I intended. It wasn’t his fault, he was just the messenger. I scrubbed my hand over my face in an attempt to school my features. “Can I talk to my best friend now instead of my priest?”
Tristan raised a brow in my direction and scoffed. “As if I ever left, but you’ll have to do it while I toss on my vestments. I promised the dean I would stand outside and welcome students into mass. Something about being more personable.”
We both stood from the pew and I followed him into the sacristy.
“I don’t know how to fix myself.” I whispered my deepest fear as Tristan fastened the waist of his alb.
“Your problem is you think you are broken, Nate. You aren’t.” He lifted the heavy chasuble above him and poked his head through. “I could kill your father for what he expected of you, but it made you stronger, more compassionate. You see beyond flaws, and treat everyone as a member of God’s flock to be ministered to, but you don’t give yourself the same grace.”
His words were honest, but they weren’t my truth. What I’d done in the basement of my father’s country club didn’t give me strength or compassion, it festered a need I didn’t want—one I gladly locked away.
Until Eden.
I forced a smile and chuckled. “Bold words in the house of the Lord.”
“I may be a man of the cloth, but that doesn’t mean I’m not human. The same goes for you.”
A shaky breath fell from my lips as I followed him and considered his words.
Eden had said the same thing. She didn’t believe I was broken or less than because I craved her submission and loved the print of my hand on her ass. The problem was I didn’t know how to be both sides of myself. I didn’t know how to be the man who yearned for control and the deacon who wanted to help guide God’s flock.
As if he could read my mind, Tristan placed his hand on my shoulder and offered the words I wouldn't dare think out loud. “There is another option.”
“I know.”
“And I know you. You’re too proud to ever consider leaving, but I think you know deep down that you weren’t meant for this life. Maggie made you believe it was the next right thing, but it was never your calling.” He dropped his hand and let out a chuckle. “Not that you aren’t good at it, but you can still minister as a lay person, Nate. You can still be a light to His flock.”
My gaze dropped to the floor. He was right. I’d never consider it on my own, but the moment he put the option on the table, I felt a weight lift off my chest.
“I’m not exactly holy.”
“God loves sinners.”
When I looked up, nothing but love and understanding shone in Tristan’s eyes. “If I do this, what comes next?”
“You’ll go to the bishop and meet with him. But right now I’m going to tell you as your best friend, you need to go back to that hotel room and pray she isn’t gone.”
My head started shaking long before he finished his statement. “I can’t be with her, Tristan. I’m a mess, she doesn’t deserve that.”
“And you weren’t a mess last night? From what you’ve told me, this woman doesn’t seem to back away from a challenge, let alone balk in the face of hardship.”
He was right. Eden was something else. She was strong when I was weak and had no problem lending me a bit of that strength for the night to prove I was more than my past. If there was anyone who would stand at my side, it was her.
