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Blake’s eyebrows shoot up and he looks toward the back of the SUV. He teases me, “Is there a body back there?”
It’s nice to hear him joke, even if only a little, and I find myself laughing. “Not yet,” I sass him.
Before I can open my door and hop out, Blake takes my face in his large hands, his crystalline blue eyes boring into mine. “You’re amazing, you know that?”
“I do,” I whisper, “because you tell me every day. I don’t know if I would have believed it otherwise. The fact that you’ve been doubting yourself so much means I’ve been falling down on my job in giving you the confidence you need.” He opens his mouth, but I’m not done. “Don’t tell me it’s not my job or whatever else you’re about to say. It is my job. You should be confident in yourself and your abilities.”
The sadness in his eyes, the lack of knowing he has everything under control, is like a punch to my gut. From the moment I met him, he’s been a larger-than-life man. The only other time I’ve ever seen him this bent out of shape was back when we first got together and my uncle was figuring out ways to terrorize me and, in the process, put Charlotte in danger.
“It’s all my fault,” he croaks the words as if they’re as hard for him to say as it is for me to hear.
I reach up and wrap my hands around his wrists, giving a squeeze. There’s pure fucking fire in my voice, “No. It’s not. It’s not your fault, Blake. I swear to you, if I thought it was your fault, I would tell you. You’re beating yourself up about something instead of letting it go. I understand it because you have the biggest fucking heart of any man I have ever known and the broadest shoulders, but you don’t have to carry the entire world on them.”
For the first time since we got the call that River was abducted, even though it wasn’t for long, and that Johnny had been the one behind the stalking and the scare tactics, something loosens inside of him. The relief which flows through me would be enough to take me to my knees if I weren’t sitting in the car with him.
“Would you,” he takes a deep breath, vulnerability filling every word as his eyes slide closed, “really tell me if you thought it was my fault?”
I can’t lie to the man. “Yes. Because you trust me to be honest with you just like I trust you to be honest with me.”
His eyes pop open as if he wasn’t expecting me to tell him yes. I grin at him and pull him closer with my grip, kissing him as if the world is ending. Because it has felt like it was the entire time that he’s been pulling away from me. My world at least.
Blake is my entire world.
I love Charlotte and Grace. I love my family. But this man, this titan who was made to love me? This man is what makes my existence matter.
“Don’t shut me out again,” I demand against his lips, feeling his curve into a smile.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers the words full of pain and regret.
“No sorry necessary. I’ve watched you be in pain, and I’m done with it, Blake. I’m done letting you retreat farther and farther into the darkness where only your demons can keep you company.” I kiss his lips softly again, needing the connection, needing him. “It’s time to let this go and move forward.”
“I’m not sure if I can,” the words are so soft, I almost don’t catch them, but with the quiet around us as if it is cocooning us and keeping us safe, I don’t miss a single one.
“Let me help you,” I plead.
He presses his forehead against mine and nods. When he takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly it feels like he might be ready to move on, to move forward. I need him to be ready or else nothing I do will help or work. He has to want it. He has to have a reason stronger than his guilt, fear, and shame.
I know because there was a time in my life when I was plagued by the choices I made and the path I was on. My parents never got to see me become Hollywood’s sweetheart and not just a child actor fallen from grace. When they died, I was so deep into drugs and alcohol that I almost drowned in it, unable to tell if the light was coming from above or below and too fucking weak to get there either way.
I don’t know if their death alone would have been enough to pull me out of it but having Charlotte to care for and her need for me was what gave me the strength to be better, to do better. She gave me a reason to put my past behind me and work through why I found myself down that path in the first place. She gave me a reason to move forward.
“I love you, so fucking much little flower,” Blake rumbles the words, and they melt me.
He has a reason to move forward. I just need to help him.
CHAPTER 4
BLAKE
My wife is amazing. I knew it before, but seeing her right now, like a fucking warrior who is done playing defense and is going on the offensive instead, is a revelation. She let me stew. She let me try and get here on my own, but I was too caught up, wallowing in doubt, guilt, and my own fucking pity.
I went full ticker-tape parade with my pity. I know it. I’ve even argued with myself about why I was doing it and what it could cost me. I’ve tried to rationalize all the ways in which I didn’t need to feel any of the guilt and dismay.
I couldn’t rationalize my way out of my feelings. But Margot standing up to me, a delicate flower who is surviving in the middle of a tornado, is exactly what I need to stop wallowing and start listening.
If she really would tell me if I was to blame, I can believe it when she tells me I’m not.
I follow my feisty as fuck wife into the cabin, our cabin. My cabin. It’s hard to remember it sometimes because we don’t get to come here often all alone. For me, it’s a family cabin, which I’m more than okay with.
