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A cold draft ruffled the pages of his Bible. Dan flicked back to the middle. In Psalms he found the hurting, contrite David, and though David’s trials had been vastly different to his own, it seemed a similar brokenness. Many times David had despaired, yet the songs he’d written showed that as he’d chosen to thank and praise God, his perspective had changed.
Dan’s lips twisted as a conversation he’d had with Sarah months ago dimly echoed. Thankfulness. He shook his head. More practice-what-you-preach time. Why had he ever thought he knew so much?
Psalm thirteen stood out for some reason. He tried to read on, but his eyes kept wandering back. He reread it, David’s words about feeling forgotten, feeling sorrow, feeling overcome by his enemy, resonating through his soul. Yeah, David knew what he was talking about, for sure. Not that Sarah was his enemy, although she definitely wasn’t acting like his friend right now. He read verse five aloud. “‘But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good me.’”
David seemed to have changed his tune, gotten more hope-filled. Dan studied the psalm again as his heart stirred.Lord, I’m trying to trust in Your mercy. Help me remember Your salvation.
It was strange how he could remember so much about the day he got saved, but his soul was so quick to forget how bountifully, graciously, and generously he’d been dealt with by God.
His memories flashed back to that horrible time when he’d first prayed that prayer. Maybe his pain now wasn’t just because of Sarah rejecting him; instead, it was a symptom of deeper issues unresolved. And regardless of what happened with Sarah, he needed—heneeded—to get this sorted out once and for all. Was God’s grace big enough to cover his sin? Really? He might’ve talked the talk for years, but did he really believe God had forgiven him for what he’d prayed?
“I don’t deserve it, God,” he rasped. “I prayed You’d take my son’s life.”
Moisture bled from his eyes as his heart wrenched again. How many times had this memory crept in, guilt and regret slithering to poison his faith?
“Lord, help me.”
His gaze fell to the page. To the wordsunfailing love.God’s love didn’t fail because of his stupid, selfish prayer. Did it? Had it?
No.
No. Trusting in God’s unfailing love meant trusting Him despite Dan’s own weakness. It wasn’t like his sins had ever taken God by surprise.
Just that thought swelled new emotion, and he wiped his eyes, grateful he was alone so nobody need see the wreck he was. So much for being cool, calm, and collected. He wasn’t tough. Not at all.
But somehow, right now it didn’t matter. He’d rather look like a fool than play pretend a second longer. He needed his heart healed. Once and for all.Lord, help me.
He glanced at the verse again. Dan was saved, just like David had been. And if David could be forgiven for adultery and murder, then Dan could know he’d been forgiven too. But knowing it andknowingit had always been two separate things. That could change today.
“Lord, help me know I’m forgiven, once and for all.”
He stilled, the emotions buffeting inside gradually easing, as his attention snagged on verse six, on David’s challenge to worship God despite his circumstances. Maybe Dan just needed to sing like David had. Not that Dan really wanted to. But verse six indicated it had been more an act of David’s will, a choice. Maybe Dan could try out his rusty pipes anyway.
“Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me, I once was lost, but now am found, was blind but now I see…”
White puffs of condensed air told of the sub-zero temperature outside. Good thing no one else was around to hear him; his singing sure wasn’t in Sarah’s class. But strangely, the words seemed to have extra impact. Hewassaved. Hewasfound. God’s grace truly was amazing. And even though the bitter cold rushed into his throat, the rawness felt good. Maybe this was a bit like David, out in the wilderness, singing where only God could hear him—only with a vastly different climate, of course.
Dan continued declaring God’s mercy, forgiveness, and love out loud. It was weird, but praising God in the midst of pain was actually working. Hearing his own voice declare God’s promises was reverberating in his soul, clarifying his beliefs, solidifying his faith. That nullifying X for failure he’d always felt branded on his soul really had been turned on its side, cross-shaped.
Somehow, the more he sang, the more he seemed to truly hear, like his spirit latched on to truth. Hewasn’ta failure. He was forgiven, branded eternally with a cross. These past years were testament to God’s grace, and he didn’t have to keep carrying his shame, because Jesus carried it for him. God’s grace meant the old was gone, his sins dealt with, and because of what Jesus had done, as far as God was concerned Dan was whiter than the snow that gleamed outside. Hewasclean. Hewasforgiven.
Breath escaped as a rush of gratitude and thanks expelled regrets and guilt. He scrubbed his face with his hands, feeling drained but somehow like his heart was lighter than it had been for years. Maybe not everything would work out as he wanted, but Sarah’s leaving had at least led him to this release.God, thank You for Your forgiveness. Thank You for turning things around for good.
The leaden sky opened, but the gentle padding of snow felt like a hug. Who knew what other miracles lay in his future?
Help me to trust You.And please—he swallowed—bless Sarah.
* * *
Sarah sat at her laptop,staring at the long list of unopened emails. Most were from Canada, which meant most would need to stay unanswered for a while longer. The past days had been too busy to deal with questions from the other side of the world. And until she had clarity about her relationship with Dan, she wasn’t up for emailing anyone else. And while she prayed for him constantly, she sure wasn’t up for emailing him.
She shook her head. No. Emailing was no way to sort out this mess. What she had to say had to be said, needed to be spoken aloud. Not that she could talk to him very easily either. Those first few days she’d been exhausted from grief-enhanced jet lag. Then the Leafs’ schedule indicated he’d be away on a road trip, which made it challenging to know if he was traveling, training, playing, or resting. Time zone differences just complicated everything so much more, so she still couldn’t have talked to him, even if she’d wanted to.
Which she hadn’t.
But the whirl of questions and regrets kept dancing around her soul, refusing to settle. She couldn’t take much more of this uncertainty. She’d need to do something soon.
Just not now.
