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“Well, okay, maybe I do atinybit.”
His grin grew.
“It’s just, I can’t stand those stupid sayings anymore. You know, like ‘let go and let God.’ It’s easy to say, but forgiving yourself is really hard to do.”
“Yeah, it is.”
* * *
Dan’s smile dropped away,and she wondered again at his story. He’d hinted at chinks in his armor before but hadn’t been particularly forthcoming—funny from a man who didn’t mind poking his nose into her business. It was weird, but she did sort of appreciate his bluntness. People had been tiptoeing around her feelings for so long it was kind of refreshing for someone to tell the unvarnished truth.
“But Sarah, you need to stop blaming yourself. Guilt is a never-ending cycle. God doesn’t hold you responsible for Stephen’s death, and neither should you.”
His words swirled, then settled feather-soft into her soul. God didn’t blame her for Stephen’s death? It didn’t seem right that someone should die and nobody be held responsible. Guilt at being the one left alive had become a constant soundtrack in her mind, constantly whispering her faults and shame. But maybe God wanted her to play a different tune, something guilt-free.
She swallowed against fresh emotion. “Have you ever had to forgive yourself?”
He nodded. “I became a Christian at twenty-two. By then I’d done several things I really regretted.” The light in his eyes dimmed. “When I began playing in Pittsburgh, I got caught up acting like this guy I’m not and treated some people—some women—pretty selfishly.” He looked down, his cheeks red over his tan. “That’s probably why I’m cautious about relationships now. I don’t want to mess things up again.”
Sarah’s insides twisted in sympathy. In trying to follow Jesus since a child, she’d not made too many choices whose consequences she regretted.
He glanced up again. “I realized God had forgiven me for everything, that I couldn’t keep focusing on my failures. It was a constant battle at first, but focusing on good things helped, as did choosing to be thankful.”
Thankfulness was a choice. She’d forgotten that this past year, just like she’d forgotten how good it felt to play the piano and worship God—kinda dumb from someone who’d led thousands in worship. It was funny how Dan, despite being a much younger Christian than her, really seemed to know his stuff when it came to things like thankfulness and forgiveness.
She exhaled. “It’s good to know it’s all forgiven.”
“Very good.”
Forgiveness was one thing, but there was still so much more to consider. She bit her lip.
“What?”
She met his dark gaze, the patience there tugging out the truth. “I still feel lost,” she admitted. “Like I don’t know who I am or what I’m meant to do with my life anymore.”
He was silent for a beat. Two.
“When did you feel most like yourself?” he asked.
She thought about it. Had it been when she’d been teaching? Or had it been earlier, when she’d been leading worship around the world? Her gut clenched. As if she could ever be that girl again. She’d burned those bridges years ago. Or had them burned for her.
“Ange mentioned you were part of Heartsong Collective.”
She had? “When?”
“On that first night.”
“You never mentioned anything.”
“Neither did you,” he pointed out.
“Yeah, because that part of my life is over and done with.”
“Is it? Really?” he asked softly.
Regret gnawed within. It had never felt like she’d ended that part of her life well. Touring the world with her friends one minute, then feeling like it was yanked away. Maybe this forgiveness thing needed to stretch to cover the reasons behind that decision, too.
“I might’ve looked you up on YouTube,” he said. “You were—wow.”
