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Is that hope in his expression? Did I imagine it? The look is gone. Did he steel his expression to cover the truth, that there is something special between us? Can I trust him? He wore a façade every day that he worked for my father, every day that he lied to my family.
He continues but there’s a coldness to his words. “You’re right. We had a deal and a lot of fun. Now you’re one step closer to that freedom you so desperately want.”
I match the disconnect. “And you’re closer to bringing the bad guys down.”
“That’s my job.”
With one hand I hold onto the shred of hope that I can have either Erik or Nikolai, but I’ve let go of the shred of hope that I can have both of them. I’m too busy holding onto my fear of tying myself to another person, that they would just end up controlling me like everything I’ve ever seen in my family.
“Your job.” The words accidently, remorsefully slip from my mouth.
“It’s the right thing to do. You’re young. They’ll create an entirely new life for you with the Witness Protection Program.”
I don’t bother telling him I’m not going to do that. When I brought it up before, they both tried to ignore me. They want to know I’m safe, and that’s great, but I can’t livemylife without my family. “Is Nikolai coming back to say goodbye?”
“The agents will probably get here before he does.”
“Because I was just an informant?”
“Yeah.”
“Glad to be of service.” I give him the cold shoulder and head to the clothes I washed in the sink and hung to dry. He rests his hands on my shoulders, but I shrug him off.
“I’ll wrap up whatever I need to with the FBI, but I’m not going to testify and I won’t go into witness protection. It just means more control, more rules, more of being someone I’m not. I can take care of myself.”
“Lilia, don’t do this.”
“Are you going to demand that I go? Can you do that?”
“I want you to be happy. I’m not going to force you to do anything you don’t want to do. But if you don’t go into witness protection, it could mean your life. Even if you don’t testify, if word gets out that you helped the FBI… Nikolai and I would never say anything, but if somehow—”
“Really, you think you have moles in the agency?”
“No, but if anything went wrong. At least let us protect you until the trial. We’ll help you make a fresh start after that, whether you accept witness protection or not.”
The strain in his neck makes it clear he’s fighting back so many things he wants to say. Nice. Something my father never bothered to do. He always just told me what he thought, but never with any regard for what I wanted. But it’s not enough.
“I already told you. I planned for my escape.”
“We can’t use government resources to help you unless you agree to continue cooperating.”
“Then no government resources it is. I’m not asking for anything.” I throw my hands up and walk away. I want to ask for things. I want to ask for a life together, but I’m not going to embarrass myself.
But I do need one thing.
I stride to the table and debate writing my address on a piece of paper. Do I want him to take me all the way to my house, or should I have him drop me nearby and walk the rest of the way?
Is it only in my fantasy world that if I give him my address, he’ll be able to come to me in the future? Yep. I write the address on the corner of the paper, tear it off and hand it to him. “Here’s where I need you to drop me off.”
“Lilia, there has to be a different way. Please.”
“I will take care of myself. Look at everything I was able to give you. I’m quite capable. I’ll lay low. Nobody knows about this address except you. Drop me off and you’ll never have to worry about me again.”
Seventeen
Erik
BeforedroppingLiliaoff,I send Nikolai a message that we need to meet at the library asap. We coordinate a time that allows me to drop Lilia off, but I wonder if I’ve done that in the correct order. Should I have consulted him first?
