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I’d grown so used to swallowing tears, my throat was raw from all the salt. My insides preserved like salted herring. But it didn’t mean I’d learned how to stop it leaking out of my eyes. “I’m sitting in Istiklal street,” I murmured. “I’m watching trams and people, inhaling sunshine and exotic scents, soaking in the birthplace of my dead husband.”
Teddy sucked in a breath. “We got your note. Your parents are frantic.”
“I just...I had to come. Even though I’ve broken my promise to him, I didn’t have a choice.”
“It’s the anniversary of his death.” Teddy sighed. “To be honest, I expected you to do something like this. You’ve been ever so quiet, Nee. I’ve been worried about you. Even Ayla couldn’t bring you back these past few weeks.”
I gave up trying to stop my tears and sat on the bench as people shopped and laughed. I could see why the guidebook on the plane said Taksim Square was the heart of modern Turkey—it buzzed with life, it hummed with happiness, everything was brightly lit and prettily decorated. Flowers spilled from shops and souvenirs glinted in the late afternoon sunshine.
I’d only been in Turkey for an hour, yet I could already feel a tug that I belonged. I belonged to a country I’d never visited all because I belonged to a man who was born here.
“I...I can’t stop thinking he’s still alive, Teddy,” I whispered around my tears. “I should feel it...shouldn’t I? Shouldn’t I feel that void of him missing? Shouldn’t I sense that he’s gone? Why don’t I feel that emptiness? Why do I feel as if he’s still here?”
“I don’t know, Nee. I suppose that’s grief? You haven’t exactly gone through the seven stages of healing yet. You’ve barely made it through the first one. You’re still firmly in denial.”
“I’d accept it if it felt like he was gone.” I blinked as a happy child darted past with a tatty teddy-bear. “He said he heard me screaming for him when Ethan raped me, so why do I feel him screaming for me now? Why does my heart fall into palpitating episodes when I’m asleep, yanking me from my nightmares? Why do I sometimes feel as if he’s watching me? Why do I hear him or smell him or—” I snapped my lips closed, choking on the secrets I hadn’t told anyone.
I hadn’t confessed that at three, four, five in the morning, when I was supposed to be deep in dreams, I would lie stiff and trembling in my bed, so sure, so absolutely, certainly sure that he was alive and calling out for me.
“I don’t have those answers,” Teddy said softly. “But...if going to Turkey will help you heal a little, then...I’m glad you went.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I bought a ticket. It was last minute. I didn’t plan it. I just...I saw the date. I saw that somehow a year had passed and...I booked a plane, drove to the airport, and landed here before I truly realised what I was doing.”
“I’ll send Eddie to pick up your Jeep so you don’t come back to exorbitant parking fees.”
“Thank you,” I said. “H-How’s Ayla?”
“She’s fine. Was a bit grizzly when she had a bottle shoved in her mouth instead of your boob, but...she’s fine.”
“I left as much breastmilk as I could.” I hung my head. “Fuck, I’m a terrible person, aren’t I? I made so many mistakes where Aslan was concerned. And now I’m doing the same thing with my daughter. I shouldn’t have come here. He told me not to, so what am I doing? Breaking my final promise to him. Fuck—”
“Hey. It’s alright. You have to do what you need to do. If you need to visit his homeland to say goodbye, then so be it. You’re grieving, Nee. Don’t be too hard on yourself.”
Standing in a rush, the street swam from my lack of food, sleep, and hope. Ayla had kept me alive this far, but I hated to admit I was floundering. If I hadn’t been lucky enough to be adopted by Teddy and Eddie and for them to be the best nursemaids, uncles, and big brothers to my baby daughter, I honestly would’ve perished months ago.
“I’ll head back to the airport. I don’t know what I’m doing here. I have no hotel booked. I didn’t even bring a suitcase. I just...I needed to see the last thing he saw. I needed to see if there was blood on the street or some sign that his father lied to me.”
“I get it. I truly do.” The sound of Ayla’s happy chortle came down the line, followed by Eddie’s deep baritone as he played with her. Most likely on the little white playmat with the mobile full of whales and dolphins that my mother had bought for her.
