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“I know,” I whispered.
Troy put his hand under my chin and tilted my head so that I looked over my shoulder at him. He leaned up on one elbow. “I know it’s tough, but I want to be here for you.”
I opened my mouth to object, but he put a finger to my lips. “Let me,” he repeated.
I kissed his finger, then wriggled and rolled around so that we were facing each other. I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my head in his shoulder. He held me close, his hands running through my hair.
“I don’t know what to expect,” I whispered. “I don’t know what’s going to happen. I want Rachel to make it, but I’m scared if I hope for that, it will knock me too hard if I lose her. I don’t want to think I’m going to lose her, though, because that’s not fair on her or the kids. Or me.”
I felt his body tense up, and when he spoke, his voice was firm and resolute. “Whatever happens, I know you’re going to be okay,” he said, shaking his head. “I know loss is hard, and I don’t think it will come to that, but if it does, we’ll work our way through that, too.”
I looked up and met his eyes. “How?” I asked. “How are we going to do that?”
“We’re going to do it by being honest,” he said. “By accepting that things will be hard, but we’re stronger than that.”
“I don’t know if I am,” I said quietly. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes again, and I tried to blink them away. I’d dealt with loss before, but I’d been so young then. Now, it was very different.
“You are,” he said. “You’re the strongest woman I know. And if you say you can do it, then I know you can.”
“I don’t know about that,” I said. In the darkness, when we were stripped down to our rawest selves, it was easy to be honest, to say the words that had been pressing heavily on my heart. I would never admit in the light of day that I was terrified, that I doubted, that I didn’t know if I could deal with this, but with Troy… I could be open and honest with him, and I knew he would understand.
He’d gone through so much, too. If anyone understood, it was him.
“I do,” he said. He cupped my face in his hands and kissed me.
“What if it all falls apart?” I asked. “I’m so scared of that.”
“It won’t,” he said. “And even if it does, I’ll still be here to help you.”
“You will?”
He nodded. “I’m here, no matter what,” he said. “I’ll be here to catch you when you fall, to cry with you if it all goes wrong… but I’ll also be here to celebrate when it all goes right. I still believe that’s what will happen.”
“It’s a mess you’ve walked into.”
“No one is perfect,” Troy said. “Life isn’t about finding someone without a difficult life, right? It’s about finding someone you can handle a difficult lifewith.”
He pressed his lips against my head, and I closed my eyes, letting Troy’s arms be my castle, letting him fight away the darkness and the fear and everything else that plagued me.
I was always on my own, doing things without help because that was just who I was. Since I’d met Troy, I’d realized I wasn’t the only person who’d been through difficult times, and it helped so much to know that he was there for me, that he understood, and that no matter what, I could count on him.
It was ironic that everyone had always tried to be in my life, and I’d pushed them away, and now the one person I was supposed to push away had become the person I needed in my life.
Life was full of little ironies like that.
Rachel getting sick with the same thing my mom had, as if history was set on repeating itself.
The one-night stand I was set on walking away from, the guy who ended up in my life.
Troy Larson, my rival, the man I was falling in love with.
21
TROY
Iwantedtostaywith her and the kids to make sure she was okay. When I’d found her at the hospital, I’d known she’d needed my help. Not only with the kids but also so that she could keep going.
The next morning, though, her brother Tom and his wife Lydia arrived at the house to help with the kids, and I knew I wasn’t needed anymore.
