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I didn’t how or what I was going to do, but it occurred to me that I was lacking balance. I wanted more love, more family.
I nodded to myself. Yeah the business was great, and I was a hundred percent committed to it, but there was more to life than work. I killed my father to set us all free so, I was going to use my freedom to live.
The first thing I needed to do, that webothneeded to do, was get some therapy.
CHAPTERFORTY-THREE
NORA
Five months later
“Some days it still doesn’t feel real. I wake up thinking it was all just a really bad dream, but then I remember that it wasn’t.” I choked, wiping away a tear.
Five months after Celia’s death, it still hit me sometimes like a sledgehammer.
My therapist leaned forward. “And what do you do then?”
“Like you taught me. I take a moment to center myself. I do the breathing exercises. Sometimes, if it’s too bad, I smoke a blunt.” I smiled crookedly at her. Since she’s the one who gave me the prescription, she couldn’t exactly condemn my escapism.
She nodded. “And then what?”
“Well, it’s still hard, but I get out of bed, and I get moving. Since Alexei won’t let me ride the bike to work anymore, I ride it around the neighborhood. There are perks to living in a gated community with its bike lanes and picturesque scenery.”
Dr. Kelly tilted her head to the side like a curious bird. “You say that with such sarcasm.”
“I’m still not used to it. The transition from living in a run-down Brooklyn neighborhood to the ‘burbs. It’ll take a minute.”
“Do you hate it?”
“No. Don’t get me wrong. When I say ‘get used to’ I guess I mean, do I deserve it? After everything, is it that easy? Get the right guy and the Cinderella fairytale comes to life?” I shook my head, “It’s unreal.”
“What would make it real for you?”
“I don’t know. I mean… my grandmother is alive because of this man, you know? I can’t exactly wish we’d never met.”
“But you associate him with a time of your life where there was great strife.”
“Yeah.” I bit my lip, thinking about it. “I guess.”
“And you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
I gave her a tired smile. “Hypervigilance. I know.”
“You know it’s perfectly natural, right? You’re expecting so much of yourself, but you don’t acknowledge what you’ve gained.”
I laughed cynically. “What gains? A better wardrobe?”
She sighed in that long, suffering way she had that made me feel like an unruly teenager. “No, not your wardrobe. When you came to me, you could barely speak your sister’s name. You were sure your grandmother would die just about any day, and you clung to Alexei like a life raft. Now look at you, talking about your living situation with levity.”
“We live in a bungalow on three acres of land. My grandmother has her own,” I raised my hands to make air quotes, “’cottage in the compound,’ which is actually a two bedroom, two bath house. She has her own butler, maid,anddriver. Also a live-in nurse as she recuperates. If I ever broke up with Alexei, she would kill me.”
“Doyou want to break up with him?”
“No, of course not. I love him.”
“Well then?”
I sighed.
