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“Do you think Hector really means it?” Ethan asks.
“Yes,” I say immediately. “He’s a man of firm principles. I admired him for it even before I became a Christian. After the way you and I grew up…” I shake my head. “I need people in my life who remind me that not all men are capricious and selfish.”
Ethan scowls. “You’re not capricious or selfish.”
I raise a hand in the air. “Obviously, I am. Look what I did.”
“Yeah, but you did that because you fell in love with Mari.”
I shake my head. “I behaved recklessly before I fell in love with her. I hate to put it so crassly, but I was thinking with my dick.”
“I just can’t believe that. It was so clear to me from the beginning that you had real feelings for her.”
I shut my eyes and take a deep breath. “If my heart had been in the right place, I would have done it all differently. I would have told Hector right away that I couldn’t in good conscience court Sofia, that the person I really wanted was Mariana. The truth is that I’m just as driven by lust as Dad. It’s a generational curse.”
Ethan scoffs as he pushes up from the couch and walks toward the kitchen. “I’m going to get you a beer.”
I can’t help but smile at my non-drinking brother wanting to dull my pain with alcohol. I must really look like a mess.
When he comes back, he’s holding a small glass with amber liquid inside. I frown in question, and he lifts a brow. “I figured you needed something stronger than beer.”
“I appreciate it,” I say as I take the drink from his hand and throw down a burning sip.
Ethan plops back down on the couch. “I don’t think I’m as fucked up from Dad as you are.”
I’m startled by his use of the word “fuck.” Ethan rarely swears. “Why do you say that?” I ask.
He shrugs. “I hate what he did to my mom. And even more that he’s never really apologized for it—to me or to her—but I don’t feel like it has anything to do with who I am. I’m not going to be a cheater just because my dad is.”
I groan. “I take after him more than you do.”
“But you don’t, though. You’re nothing like him. I love Dad, but I can only handle him in small doses. I usually screen his calls and return them, like, a month later.”
I laugh humorlessly. “Me too.”
Ethan’s eyes fix on my face. “You’re nothing like him. You’re the most dependable person in my life. As much as I love my mom, she’s…distant sometimes. But not you. Not ever. I’d be lost without you.”
His words squeeze my chest, making my vision cloud over. I clear my throat, fighting back tears. “Well, I am old enough to be your dad. I have to live up to it.”
He shakes his head sharply. “Don’t minimize it. You’ve been there for me, and I was dad’s love child, but you never took it out on me. You were never jealous, even back when he was still married to my mom. If you were, you certainly never showed it.”
I scowl. “How could I take it out on you? You were a baby. My only brother.”
Ethan leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “And I think you always knew that I needed you. You’re there for the people who need you. That means something. That’s someone who has principles. You’re not like Dad.”
I swallow to fight the sob threatening to work its way out. I never thought twice about my love for Ethan and its effect on him. It was always a given.
If only my love for Mariana could be the same. Enough to wipe away the misery I caused her and her family.
But it’s so much deeper than that. My love for her borders on obsession. Ethan is wrong that I’m not like our dad. I’m so like him. I just happen to be more loyal.
I’ll never stop wanting Mariana, but my need for her will suffocate her boundless spirit. A few years of my love—maybe even months—and she’d resent me for it. She’d resent me for trying to hoard her away, steal the most unencumbered years of her life.
Loving her means letting her be free.
Even when the thought alone is like death.
Mariana
