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“Anyway.” His smile fades, his face growing stoic. I could almost laugh. He’s clearly not as comfortable showing vulnerability to me as I am receiving it. “I love him. I love all of you—”
My gut clenches at his use of the word “love.”
“Which is why I want to help bridge the gap between you guys, if I can. I know it’s not really my business, but I get the feeling you’re comfortable opening up to me.” His dark eyes probe mine, shooting straight into my gut.
“Yes.” I swallow. “You’re kind of like a mentor.”A mentor I’d like to fuck, that is. “I always feel better after talking to you.”
He smiles tightly. “I’m glad.”
For some reason, he doesn’t sound like he means that.
He sighs. “At the risk of sounding patronizing, I think it might help if you at least work toward being more open with your family. Part of becoming an adult is learning to let go of the fact that you might disappoint the people you love. It’s hard, but it’s worth it.”
I let out an exhausted sigh. “It’s easy for you to say. My whole family’s in awe of you—except for my dad, of course.”
“You’re right. I have no idea what it’s like for you. You’re real family. They love you more than they love me, which means there’s more fear involved. But I do know what it’s like to lose my community.”
I frown. “What do you mean?”
“I lived a very different life before I became a pastor.”
“Oh, you mean your old gym business?” When my gaze drifts to his huge, muscular arms, he smiles mischievously. My cheeks grow warm. I lift my chin, refusing to cower. “You still look like a gym rat. I think you’d fit right in with that community, even as a pastor.”
He narrows his eyes, and heat fills my stomach. I love this look he gives me from time to time.
Like he wants to spank me.
“People in health and wellness have a hard time relating to a career like mine,” he says.
“So you really got dropped by everyone?”
He shrugs as he takes a sip of his beer. “Not really. They just all sort of…fell away. They have no interest in my life anymore.”
I nod slowly. “I could see that happening with my family too. Not that they would actually fall away. I’d still be a part of everything, but they’d… I think they’d be more distant with me if I told them I’m an atheist.”
“And that’s something that you’ll have to weigh out. You’ll have to figure out if it’s more important to you to have honesty or closeness. I’ll be frank though, if you keep doing what you’re doing now—going to church and keeping your mouth shut about what you really think—it’ll be hard to have true closeness.”
His words strike my heart, making it hard to take a breath. What he’s really saying is that I’m condemned to always being an outcast, regardless of the choice I make. Always being lonely, the way I’ve felt since I was a teenager.
Even though I was far from the most rebellious in our family based on stories I’ve heard from Abuelita, everyone seemed to sense it was different with me. The questions I asked about existence and proof for God scared them.
It didn’t matter that I did all the things I was supposed to do. I wore a purity ring until I was eighteen even though I had already had sex by that age. I went to church and youth group every week. Hell, I even got baptized.
None of it made me closer to them. I’ve been delusional, holding onto a hope that made me repress who I am deep down.
“You’re right,” I mutter.
Brandon sets his hand on my forearm again. The warmth of his skin radiates through my whole body. “You have every reason to grieve.”
I swallow, forcing a smile. “Do I seem like I’m grieving?”
His gaze roams my face. “You seem a little…thoughtful.”
I nod. “I was just remembering how I got baptized to make my parents happy, and it didn’t work.”
He smiles sadly.
“I didn’t believe even then. It felt fake while I was doing it.” I pin him with a hard stare. “What if I got baptized right now?”
