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Never.
“If it’s what you guys need to do, I’m okay with that.”
But I’m not saying goodbye.
Mum overheard me and drifted forward in a black sundress. She passed me a heavy wreath, the leaves slightly damp and the flowers heavily perfumed. “You go first, sweetheart.”
A shuffle of movement as Eddie and Teddy collected their own wreath, and Mum and Dad claimed the last two. A tiny one remained on the table and tears leapt to my eyes as I scooped it up, stroked the silky petals, and passed it to Ayla.
“Pretty.” She smiled, her eyes so dark and perfect.
“Not as pretty as you,” I whispered, ducking down and kissing her forehead. “Do you want to throw the flowers into the sea with me to say goodbye to Daddy?”
“No.” Her nose wrinkled. “Keep. I want to keep.”
My heart squeezed, wondering if she felt the same thing I did.
For me to believe in a fairy-tale was fine. If I needed to exist in a storybook where I wasn’t alone, all to somehow cope in my lonely life, then that was my burden to bear.
Not hers.
She was just a child.
A child with two surrogate fathers who did their best to hide the failings of her mother.
“You can keep it, sweetie.” Dad chuckled.
I nodded and stepped back. “How about we dry that one and hang it on your bedroom wall, next to your lion mural?”
“Yes!” She bounced up and down, staying at my side as I padded barefoot in my cream shorts and white t-shirt. I stopped at the side of The Fluke.
My family lined up beside me, their wreaths hanging in their hands.
What was a widow supposed to say at a funeral?
How were you supposed to put into words the pain, the loss, the longing?
Someone else should say goodbye because I would never utter those words.
It took me a while to figure out what to say, but in the end, I murmured, “This is just a pause. A pause in the story of our life. One day, I will find you. Someday, I will be yours again. Until that day...seni çok seviyorum, Aslan.” (I love you so much).
Dad pressed close as I dropped my wreath into the water.
It plopped onto the blue-crystal surface, swaying in the current, enticing fish from below to nibble at the pretty petals.
I didn’t hear the eulogies my parents gave.
I ignored all their epitaphs.
Not because it hurt to listen but because my heart was elsewhere...across the sea, flying over exotic lands, slipping safely into a Turkish boy’s pocket...wherever he might be.
* * * * *
“Nerida, can...can we talk to you?” Teddy asked quietly from where he and Eddie sat opposite me at the battered dining room table where we’d spent untold hours bickering, brainstorming, and sketching for Lunamare. If we were working for a wage, the amount of hours we’d put into this company would’ve bankrupted us before we even finished our first prototype.
Putting down my pen from adding to my to-do list for tomorrow that included more promo and a meeting with the manager of a local deep-sea diving operation that had their own submarine, I nodded. “Sure? What’s up?” Grabbing my lemon and ginger tea that I’d taken to drinking before bed, I looked between the two men.
My chest tightened with love for them. At the way they held hands on the couch when we had movie nights. The way they swatted each other’s butts with the tea towel when they cooked side by side. The way Eddie would do the laundry and Teddy would load the dishwasher, shouldering equal domestic duties because they were a team.
