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The muscle in my jaw fanned. She was so… I didn’t know exactly what. I worked for a while on my laptop, letting her settle into the new environment before I finally got up.
For hours she sat unmoving on the couch, so long she sat there silently while the daylight started to fade. She silently stared out the large windows at the ocean, her eyes seemingly peered out at nothing, registering nothing. Her eyes were empty, blank, and she was still covered in blood.
Internally I fought against myself, the need to go to her, the understanding that she probably wanted space. My body took over, and I came to stand in front of her. She didn’t acknowledge me at all. “I–” I started, but my voice choked out, my emotions rippling through me. I cleared my throat, starting again. “I think we should get you into the shower.” I couldn’t bear to let her sit like this, covered in the muck of what had happened today, not for a second longer.
“Mmm.” She barely hummed out, but she didn’t budge.
I gripped the back of my neck, struggling with what to do. How to take care of her right now, not knowing if I should give her space or scoop her up.
“I’ll heat the shower up for you.” I offered.
She didn’t say anything.
I blew out a breath and headed for the bedroom and the adjacent ensuite bathroom. I started the shower and stood there until the steam started swirling in the bathroom. I came back out, “Showers hot and ready.” I tried a smile, but it fell flat as she stared empty eyed out the window.
I closed the distance between us and knelt in front of her. “Em?” Her eyes met mine, and I searched them desperately for some of that spice and sass she loved to give me, nothing. “I’m going to help you into the shower. Okay?” She nodded, hardly moving her head enough to be considered agreement.
She let me slide my arms under her, and she weakly slumped against me as I pulled her against my chest. She felt so small and vulnerable. Even between the layers of grime on her, I could still smell her sweet essence peeking through, and it sent a bolt straight through me. This was the woman I loved, and was going to spend every day for the rest of my life trying to prove it to her, if that’s how long it took.
I carried her into the bathroom and carefully set her down in front of me. Part of me thought she might collapse if I let go. I waited, and she didn’t move.
I opened my mouth, but no words came out. She didn’t move for the shower, or do anything, she just stood there staring straight ahead.
I’d never felt this way in my life. I was watching the woman I cared most about disappear into a shell of herself, and she took a piece of me with her, into that darkness. I cleared my throat and steadied my voice. “I’m going to help you undress. Okay?”
She didn’t say anything. I clenched my jaw as my eyes started to water up. I tried to speak in a comforting tone, but panic was bubbling up in my throat. “Can you just let me know if that’s okay?” I asked.
Finally she looked up at me and nodded.
I nodded back in mild relief. “Okay.” I gently slipped the baseball hat off her head, careful not to snag any of her hair that was now a bit matted, and set I set the hat on the counter. “It’s alright, I’ve got you now, baby.” I hummed as I gently pulled at the zipper on my hoodie she was wearing. She limply let me slide it off her, pulling each of her arms out. “I’m gonna get you all cleaned up, and then you can sleep.” I slid the pads of my fingers up her rib cage and slipped my fingers under the band of her sports bra. Before I could ease it up over her head, I froze as she sucked a sharp breath in.
Panic flooded through me. Was she injured? Was she afraid of me? Was she afraid to let me see her naked in this moment? I stood still, waiting, not daring to make a sudden movement.
She finally looked at me nodding, permission to continue.
I blew a breath out and struggled to slide the sports bra up. It was all twisted, and I didn’t know how the fuck she’d gotten the damn thing on. I finally worked it up over her ribcage. “Arms up.” I instructed.
She lifted her arms and as I went to pull it over her head; it got stuck on her face, jerking her head around a bit. “Oh shit! Sorry.” I hissed out before I readjusted and slid it up over her arms. I had to bite my cheek and stifle a laugh at the absurdity of it. What a time to jostle her around like that.
When my eyes met hers, there was a flicker of something there. Not quite a smile, not quite amusement, but something. She’d found it just as humorous as I had, and this was the most she could muster to show me that.
I slipped my thumbs into the waistband of her pants and she gripped my shoulders as I slid her leggings and underwear to the floor so she could step out of them. I looked at her body, and again felt the startling urge of emotion bubbling up as I took in the dark bruises, and all the streaks and smears of rust red that marred her from top to bottom.
I guided her to shower, and she stepped under the stream of water, just letting it pour over her. Finally,Istepped into the shower, clothes and all, and I so,sogently began to wash her.
I tenderly scrubbed her from head to toe until there were no more rust colored streaks left. The water, surprisingly bubbly as I rinsed her over and over again. Finally, she leaned against my chest, as we both stood under the spray of water and I washed her hair. She let out the softest sigh, relaxing against me as I held her up with one arm and massaged her scalp with my free hand, taking extra time to not just clean her hair, and detangle the mats but to touch her in a safe and comforting way.
Finally, when she was rinsed, and after what felt like an eternity, no more bubbles magically formed from her skin, and I turned the shower off and wrapped her in a giant towel and carried her to the bed. I stood dripping wet on the carpet as I pulled one of my large T-shirts that I knew she loved to wear over her head, and then tucked her into the covers.
I turned to get myself cleaned up, and as I turned, I felt her small hand slip into mine. Her hand communicated a wealth of information as she gripped my fingers so weakly. My eyes flicked to her, surprise no doubt etched on my face, and I found her expression panicked. Panicked at the idea of now being separated from me. An olive branch, a request to be comforted. Relief flooded through my being and I simply peeled off my wet clothes, and crawled into bed and pulled her against me.
This was a start.
27
EMMA
I was screaming;I was fighting for my life; I was about to die.
