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If I told Natasha how I’d really feel if Kai got hurt, she’d think I was melodramatic. If I told her my atoms would pull apart, my future would fracture, and my soul would implode… Yeah, even for a poet, she’d think I was over the top.
CHAPTERTWENTY-TWO
Kai
I crouch behind a rock, looking at the warehouse, my body pumping with fire, adrenaline, and readiness. Before a job, I used to think about nothing. I’d empty my mind just like I did as a kid, not letting myself think at all, thoughts and fears and everything else slipping from my mind.
However, now, I think of my woman. I think about the future. Instead of crippling me, it makes me even more determined and focused. Anybody who thinks they’ll steal that from me is goddamn deluded.
“Are we clear on the plan?” I ask as Jimmy crawls up next to me, wincing slightly as he keeps his posture low. More Titans are getting ready for the battle about twenty yards behind us.
Jimmy swallows. “Yeah, Kai. You want us to set it on firebeforeyou go in?”
“It needs to be chaotic,” I tell him. “That’s where I work best. If the place is burning, they’ll make mistakes. They’ll rush outside where you and the others can pick them off.”
“But what about you?” Jimmy asks.
“I’ll be fine,” I snap. “I’ve got a…”
A reason to live now, I almost say, but I don’t let myself finish that thought. It’s time to let the other men see the cold Kai, the animalistic Kai, the operator who will do any damn thing to keep this club, this town, and my family safe.
“What if one of those bastards gets lucky?” Jimmy asks.
“They won’t,” I snap. “A fight is all about small moments, Jimmy. Half seconds of hesitation. Hell, less than that. That’s where fights, guns or fists, are won and lost. I learned that lesson hard and early. The flames won’t completely distract them, but it’ll be enough to confuse them for a second, and that’s all I need.”
Maybe it’s the same with love. It happens in the small moments when a person forgets to hesitate and forgets to doubt. Perhaps that’s how it slips away, too. A hesitation leads to doubt, leading to a man never doing what he knows heshould.
I close my eyes for a moment, almost laughing at myself. So, Ishouldhave thrown myself at my best friend’s sister the first time I knew how badly I wanted her? Is that what I’m thinking?
“Kai,” Jimmy says uncertainly. “Are you good?”
I open my eyes, grit my teeth, and nod. “I’m ready. These bastards will regret the day they ever stepped foot intoourfucking county.”
* * *
“Wh-who are you?” the biker whines, crawling across the burning warehouse, searching for his gun. “What are you?”
I ignore the flames hissing all around me. The heat burns against my face and cheeks as the flames consume the floor, walls, and furniture, heating the metal machinery. Soon, the fire will reach the drugs stacked in the corner and reek for miles and miles into the desert.
I catch up with the biker, grab him by the scruff of his jacket, and haul him to his feet. Dragging him out of the warehouse, I toss him into the dust with the other Bribones, five of them cuffed and seated in the dust.
“You shouldn’t have shot my friend,” I growl, laying my pistol against the Bribone’s knee. “This is a warning. We’re taking a kneecap from each of you. That’ll teach you to stay the fuck away from our town. If you come back, it won’t just be a kneecap next time.”
The man gazes up at me, terror flooding his eyes. He’s got a face covered in gang tattoos, but he doesn’t look dangerous as I shove the gun up against his knee.
“I’ve got it on got authority that you men have done some terrible things to people who don’t deserve it. You should count yourselves lucky.”
The first man screams, the gun vibrating in my hand. Jimmy and the other Titans stare impassively as I make my way down the line, the warehouse making awhooshingnoise as the flames consume more and more of it.
Jimmy said I didn’t have to be the one to do this, but he was wrong. Each shot obliterates more of the guilt I feel, more of the regret. Calling itregretis a lie because I can’t fully wish away what I did with Kay. I can’t even partly wish it away, honestly.
So, instead, I go down the line. I shoot these rapists and murderers and monsters in the knee. Deep down, part of me hopes they return and send more men. They’ll force me to become even more of a monster—anything to make me forget Kay’s lips, her touch, her love.
I pull the trigger.
* * *
Ryan seems healthier, sitting up in the hospital bed with more color in his cheeks. I find it difficult to look at him for too long. I constantly question myself. Every action, reaction, and moment that would’ve been completely normal before.
