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My body moved without having to be told. Old familiar patterns coming back to me as I wiggled and swayed in the group. I felt hands touching me. Guys whispering in my ear. And I let them.
I let myself pretend that I could go home with them. That I wasn’t so messed up; I’d only slept with one guy. That in seven years, I hadn’t been able to let another touch me.
It was insane. What was I saving myself for? He might not be gone or forgotten, but we were over. We might be in the same city again, but there would never be an us. There was too much pain and betrayal. Too many hurts to repair.
I didn’t want to feel them anymore. Didn’t want to keep replaying the pain over and over in my mind. So I let myself go. Pretended I was someone else.
You can be whoever you want in the dark. You can forget.
10
Adam
Igrunted as a fist connected with my jaw, sending me back to the ground. But I was quick to recover. Swiping out my leg, I knocked Matteo off his feet. He landed rough and hard on the mat beside me. I rolled until I was on him. My fist raised above his face while my forearm pressed down on his throat.
The rage rolled through me as I stared at his reddening face. Usually, this worked. I could fight away the pain. Exhaust my body enough that I could relax. But tonight, the devil inside me only grew larger. Tonight, I needed the kill.
He bucked his hips, trying to throw me off, but I pressed harder. I knocked away his hands as he shoved at my face. I could feel his breaths becoming shallow under my arm. Hear the wheeze as he struggled for air. It would only take a few more seconds.
Matteo tapped the mat three times, and I rolled off. He coughed as he made his way to his knees. I popped up beside him, reaching out a hand to pull him the rest of the way. As he walked to the bench for water, I rolled my neck, trying to relieve the tension.
“Again?” I asked, cracking my knuckles.
I needed more. I needed the rush of taking a life, but I’d settle for some blood on my hands.
“Cazzo.No.” He spat as he swallowed more water. “I don’t know what your problem is, but I’m done letting you beat it out of me.”
“If you gave me someone to kill, I could take it out on them.”
He shook his head as he sat on the bench. In Matteo’s basement, next to the room where he tortured people, he had a full fighting gym. Punching bags, speed balls, even a mat for practicing. It was a new addition and the only thing keeping me from committing a random murder.
This is how it had been for years. The only way I could stop the memories was adrenaline. To feel the power. To feel in control. I’d wear myself down until my dreams were full of darkness instead of love and hope.
But after seeing Ariella tonight, it wasn’t working. I could still feel the restless energy under my skin. The anger boiling my blood.
She’d stood there in that house and smiled at me. Acted like I should be happy to see her. Like she hadn’t decimated any happiness I’d once had. Destroyed anything good inside me.
And now, what was I supposed to do? Work beside her for who the fuck knows how long? Try not to kill her? Gio had been bad enough, but now I had to face my own demon.
“I’ll fight you,” Andre said as he stepped onto the mat. He and Ethan had been working out and watching us for the last hour.
I knew they were the first security Matteo had picked for himself after killing his uncle. They were an interesting choice. They hadn’t been Italian or from the life. He’d plucked them from an underground fighting ring. And they were bisexual. All things the Capos in the family would hate.
But as I flicked my gaze down his large muscular frame, I knew Matteo had made a good choice. I could tell with one look he’d killed before. He had the slightly dead sheen in his eyes. Like he’d done something that couldn’t be taken back.
A lesser man might’ve pissed his pants at the sight. Combined with his solid muscles and the tattoos covering his dark skin, he was intimidating.
“This I’ve got to see,” Ethan said as he took a seat beside Matteo on the bench.
He was slightly less intimidating, with his blonde hair pulled into a man bun. But he had the mangled ear of a boxer, so I knew he wouldn’t shy away from a fight.
“You in?” Andre raised a single brow in my direction.
“MMA style, anything goes?” A smirk crossed my face as he nodded.
The darkness inside me unfurled at the prospect of a vicious beating.
Ethan and Matteo laughed and shouted as we made our way to the center of the mat. We stared at each other as we got into a ready stance. He was bigger than me, but it would make him slower.
