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“I need you to promise me one other thing.” His eyes were fixed on mine.
Prickles of anxiety raced throughout my body. “Anything.”
“I want you to complete our surf bucket list.” The surge of anguish returned with a vengeance and I shook my head in defiance as more tears rose to the surface. “I’m not asking you to surf. Just go. For me.”
I grabbed some tissues for myself now, to wipe away the hard truths of my future.
“Please, Char.”
My throat tightened, making it hard to speak. “I promise,” I finally relented.
His lips curled up weakly and he reached out and pulled me down to him.
Resting my cheek on his chest, I soaked in every second with him that I could. His body caved a bit under my weight and his breathing became shallower as the minutes passed by.
His eyes were closed when I peered back up at him. “I love you so much,” I said through quiet sobs.
His lips twitched and I imagined it was in effort to respond, but he hadn’t been strong enough.
Curling back into his body, I whispered stories into his ear, recounting moments together—
the first time we met, getting married, surfing, and all the stand-out moments in between.
And then after what seemed like a millisecond and a lifetime all at once, he took his last breath.
I called in the nurse, and within an hour, the funeral home had arrived and collected his body. As they took him away, it hit me how alone I truly was. No one was there to hold me or share this fresh grief with. The house was eerily silent except for my beating broken heart.
My mind had switched into autopilot and I raced around, stripping the bed manically and tossing the sheets and protective cover into the garbage. Then I rushed through the room picking up used tissues and half-empty water glasses. Scared to slow down, I stayed busy, wiping down the bedroom furniture and making the bed with fresh sheets. On my way to the kitchen, I threw in a load of laundry.
As I rinsed the dishes in the sink, I held up the last glass Bridger drank out of, thinking about the list of “he would never” that would be endless now. He would never drink wine with me on the back patio. Never leave dirty plates and forget to rinse them before loading them into the dishwasher. There would be no more teasing me about being half drenched after rinsing the dishes. We would never surf together and I would never hear “I love you” from him again. The “nevers” and “lasts” crowded my head.
I stared at his water glass, twisting it in my hand as if it were a marvel to be unraveled. His lip marks were still imprinted on it from the Chapstick he had to use near the end because his lips became so dry that they started to crack and bleed. How could I wash away this tangible memory of his existence? But how could I live with it reminding me every day of what I had lost? I couldn’t bring myself to put it in the dishwasher, but I knew I couldn’t keep it either. A rage I hadn’t felt before burned through me like a fast-moving wildfire. Hot tears rolled down my cheeks, and my body trembled uncontrollably with this new wave of emotion. I sucked in quick, harsh breaths and then smashed the glass on the floor, watching the shards litter the kitchen floor like my shattered heart.
My body drained of strength, and I sank to the floor amongst the shattered glass and sobbed loud and hard until exhaustion took over and I curled on the floor and fell asleep.
I cried for days, not leaving the house, answering texts, or taking phone calls. It wasn’t until the funeral home called and left a message that Bridger’s ashes were ready for pick up, like an order from a store, that I got dressed and returned to the world, but not as the Charlee with Bridger. Now, It would always be the Charlee after Bridger.
I hadn’t meant to lose myself in a swirl of chaotic choices. After my encounter with Levi, I couldn’t sleep much. I woke early and snuck out quietly, making my way to a cove by the cliff rocks that was mine and Bridger’s place. It’s where I first saw him when we were just kids and it’s where we made love on multiple occasions.
My encounter with Drew had thrown me down a rabbit hole, bringing me to the beach after dinner last night to release my anger like Bridger and I used to do to resolve the hardest of our issues. I thought I was alone, protected by the cover of the darkness, but when I peered up, I saw Levi watching me. The intrusion angered me at first, but then something shifted inside me and I suddenly wanted to embrace his presence, a desire flooding the empty shell Bridger had left behind.
Even though Levi was more than a decade younger and I hadn’t felt a man’s touch aside from Bridger, I wanted him. I didn’t care that I was wearing worn-out sweats and no bra under my nightshirt, and wrapped in a sweater that could have been my grandma’s. I had tears crusted on my cheeks and my hair had escaped my haphazard bun, not to mention that half of me had been covered in wet sand, but at this point in my life, I had nothing to lose.
I had already lost everything.
Levi had looked surprised when I first got up and caught his gaze, but as I had moved closer to him, he had begun to move toward me as well, and when we met and my chest brushed his, I hadn’t hesitated. I wrapped my hands around his neck and claimed his lips as mine. The kiss had been deep and intense, and when he pulled me in tighter, I thirsted for more. My body had reacted naturally, heating up in all the right places, leaving me breathless and desperate forallof him.
I thought inviting Levi back to my place would fill me with guilt.
Betrayal.
It hadn’t because I wouldn’t let it, shutting off all the things that made this life wrong without Bridger. Instead, I had let myself drown in the sensations that danced across my skin and through my veins, only focusing on the pounding of my heart and the yearning of my abandoned body. It deserved to be touched, to be caressed, kissed, worshipped. Muscles throbbed, begging for all the ways it had missed in Bridger’s absence and last night I let myself have everything it wanted.
After Levi ravaged me over and over again, my body was exhausted, but my mind would not stop spinning, so I watched him sleep. We had gotten off on the wrong foot, but he was relentless, and when I finally gave in, I realized I didn’t dislike talking to him. He was a bit awkward sometimes, but he was kind and was definitely not hard to look at. I never imagined being attracted to someone other than Bridger. It was only ever him for me, but he wasn’t here anymore, and my heart was lonely.
Levi was opposite of Bridger in height, stature, and features, but they both had soft skin and strong muscles, and the most striking feature about both of them was their eyes. While Bridger’s were a bright green, Levi’s were a cobalt blue, but both were equally captivating and had the ability to pull me in and hold my gaze.
I thought last night could be a turning point. That maybe Levi could be the answer. But the reality was that he wasn’t, and I wasn’t ready for more than one night. My heart was buried with Bridger, and it was still clawing its way out. The sensations of last night quickly fizzled out, and all that was left were nausea and guilt.
