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“No, not at all. You are as much a part of this as we are.” I smile at her to reassure her, and letting Sasha go out of my arms, she takes a seat on the couch with Dani. Hands joined and not an inch between them.
There is a little silence as I take the other couch which is how we would normally sit on the rare occasions we’re actually all home for the night.
“It’s time, isn’t it?” Sasha asks with sadness in her eyes. “We always promised when it got too hard, we would be honest with each other.”
I don’t even have to speak, just nodding. Her shoulders drop with a little defeat, and Dani places her arm around her, pulling her closer.
“I knew the moment she walked into the apartment. You told me that first night we met how much you love her, and I thought I understood. But seeing the way you look at her, it’s more than that. She is your soul mate, and nothing will ever change that.” Looking at me, her eyes are now full of understanding.
“When she pushed me away, I stupidly let her, but I can’t be away from her anymore. You saved me from the hell I was going through, and I will always be grateful. But last night, she finally admitted to me that she loves me, and we have been dancing around each other since she got here. The magnetic pull is excruciating to try to ignore.” My hands are sweaty just from the nerves of finally saying all this out loud.
“Then don’t ignore it. Be with her, be happy like you should be. It’s what we both want for you, and it always has been.” Dani smiles at me with the love we all share.
“Thank you.” I take a deep breath because this is the hardest thing to say. “I need a divorce.” I let the words settle in the room and try to continue. “I told you I would never be with someone unless you knew, and I have kept my word and not been with anyone while we’ve been married. But I won’t put Nat through the torture of being the other woman in a marriage, even though she would be far from it. But the problem is that only us three and her would know that, and I can’t ask her to do that.”
I can’t believe how hard it is breaking up with someone that you aren’t really in a relationship with.
“So, you need to decide how we handle this,” I tell them. “If we come out with the truth or just separate and I go public after a while in a new relationship. But the question I can’t answer is if you feel it’s time for you to come out publicly.”
“I just don’t know how to answer that.” Sasha has tears building in her eyes, getting ready to break free.
“Baby, things have come a long way in the last few years since we decided to do this with Jordan,” Dani says. “The world is more accepting, and the industry will get over it and still love you anyway. I’m not sure your agent ever really gave us the right advice back in the beginning, when your popularity was just starting and we were newly dating. I mean, maybe the market you were pitched at was male-dominated to begin with, but now you’re a supermodel. There are plenty of women out there who will be ogling your rocking body. I mean, they can look, but if they try to touch, it won’t be pretty.”
I can’t help but laugh at Dani because she scares me at times, so there is no way I would take her on.
“She’s right, Sasha. The world is a different place, and surely you’re sick of hiding who you truly are. You’re an amazing person with so much love to give, so why hide that anymore? Plus, doesn’t Dani deserve that freedom too?”
I can see the wheels turning inside Sasha’s head which is probably still hurting after last night.
“You know that’s why I got drunk last night, right? I knew this was coming and it freaked the shit out of me. But now that we’re here and the choice is out there, I actually don’t feel as scared as I was before. I have a lot… no, sorry,wehave a lot to think about and decisions to make.” She lays her head on Dani’s shoulder. “So once we’re on the plane and arrive in Italy, let us talk and get our heads around it. Plus, you need to talk to Nat and make sure she’s still happy to be with you; waking up with that ugly mug every day would be a challenge, and I’m not sure how she will take this whole thing once she knows the truth. It seemed like a great idea at the time, but looking back, all we did was put your life on hold while we got the best of both worlds. I’m so sorry I didn’t see that until now.”
I stand up and walk to her, and Sasha stands too.
“You have nothing to be sorry for. We all chose this, and it worked for the time we needed it to. Now it’s just time to move on. We all deserve happiness, Sasha, no matter who we choose to love.” Taking her in my arms for one last hug, she pulls back when Dani reminds her they have to shower and get to the airport. Hugging Dani too, they disappear upstairs, and I’m left standing staring out the window, feeling like I just lost two of my dearest friends.
Surprisingly, they don’t take long, and they’re back down the stairs with suitcases in tow. I’m sure Dani being the efficient one in the couple would have packed ahead of time knowing they were heading out after a full day of work yesterday and a night out last night.
Trying not to make a big deal out of them leaving, I just wave as they shuffle to the elevator, obviously running late.
“Love you both,” is all I say, and they wave as the doors close between us, with Sasha, just mouthing, “Thank you,”and I know exactly what she means.
Now I just need to get my head straight before Nat comes down. And if she thinks she’s hiding up there from me then I will go to her. That conversation was hard, but I feel the lightest I have in years. Like I can move forward the way my life is meant to be. It’s going to be difficult for a while until Sasha and I go through the whole public break-up, but what we all get at the end will be worth the media circus we’re about to create.
My head reminds me that I never got to make that coffee. It’s funny, I’m not as desperate for the caffeine as I was when I first woke. Don’t get me wrong, my head is still hurting from the lack of sleep, but the adrenaline is starting to surge through my body at the prospect of what I’m about to do.
What is Nat going to say when I tell her?
This is a pretty big thing to lay on her shoulders. I mean, it all makes sense to me, but maybe someone else looking from the outside in won’t see it the same way. I’ve lied to her for a very long time about this, and that’s huge. But then again, if she had been honest with me all those times I asked her how she felt, and honest with herself, then we never would have ended up here.
Looking at the time on the oven, I know I need to do this. Today, sadly, was not the best day to pick, being another jampacked day and the little time I have to spend with Nat. I can’t wait any longer for her. Slowly walking to her room, my thoughts are running wild in my head and my heart feels like it’s doing double speed inside my chest. I’ve played some big games in my life, but nothing has made me as anxious as what I’m feeling right now.
I wait outside her door to see if I hear anything, the slightest noise to let me know she’s awake. It feels like I’ve been standing here forever, although it has probably only been seconds.
Just do it! You’re looking for any excuse to put this off even a minute longer.
It’s like during a game, when you have the ball in your hand, and you’re looking for your receiver. You have a mere split second to decide if you should follow through with the pass or balk and take the hit. Knowing that if you trust yourself and your receiver then everything will work the way you planned, and he will end up scoring the touchdown that you both made happen.
Suck it up and get on with it, make the game-winning pass.
