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“That’s okay. I was just leaving him the present. I won’t interrupt your Christmas.”
“You’re not interrupting at all. Don’t you want to come in and wait for him?”
I shake my head. “I... I can’t.”
Her expression has sobered, but her eyes are still incredibly kind. Compassionate. “Sweetheart, are you sure you won’t wait? I think you both would be happier if you’d talk.”
“We... we did.”
“No. I don’t really think you did.”
“We did!”
“Then one or both of you weren’t telling the whole truth. If you’d really shared what you’re feeling, then you both wouldn’t be walking around like your poor hearts have been stomped on.”
For some reason, her soft words are the last straw of my control. I burst into helpless tears again, right there on the porch of her house.
She tsks her tongue and pulls me into a hug. She’s smaller than me, but her hug is warm and strong. Substantial.
It makes me feel better despite myself.
“Honey,” she murmurs as she finally pulls away. “Chase has loved you for half his life. No matter what, you can trust in that.”
“But he... he...”
It doesn’t seem fair that she’s doing exactly what Joey and Julianna did. Acting astounded by the reality of what Chase did to me.
“I don’t know what he’s trying to convince you of, but you shouldn’t believe it. Since his folks died, he’s always been fighting this fear that the people he loves will be taken from him. Instead of holding on tight, he pretends it doesn’t matter to him. That’s why it’s been so hard for him to invest in life—in work and relationships and everything else. It does matter to him. So much. But he’s always scared it won’t last. So if it feels like he was completely with you and then he suddenly pulled away, maybe that’s why. He’s just scared, honey. He’s scared it won’t last. He loves you. Don’t give up on him.”
And those words—her earnest explanation on the porch—is the first thing that has really made sense to me since the conversation with Chase in the car.
They ring true. Feel right. Click into the exact right place in my heart and mind.
They answer everything. It’s the real explanation.
And my heart explodes with joy again because now finally there is real hope again.
AT FIRST I’M SO OVERWHELMED that I have no clear idea what I should do. My mind usually works in a fairly orderly fashion, but when I feel too much, my logical brain gets drowned in all the emotions.
I know I need to do something to address my revelation, but I have no idea what to do. I make some distracted small talk with Chase’s grandmother and manage to come up with an excuse to leave.
I’d rather sit on the porch steps and wait for Chase to return so I can waylay him and make him talk to me. But it seems inappropriate to plant myself at a house that isn’t mine. And Chase could be gone for hours and hours.
Instead, I start walking with no clear idea of my destination. I end up back on the block with my house on it, so I figure going home is probably the best option at this point. At least there I can collapse, sort through all these feelings, and figure out what I should do.
The most obvious option is to text Chase to find out exactly where he is. Surely he won’t refuse to have a conversation with me. We’ve been friends for far too long for that.
So as I walk blindly down the sidewalk toward my house, I pull out my phone and text him. I was hoping to talk. Where are you?
The three dots show up immediately. So I hold my breath and stare down at my phone screen until the short line of text appears. Look up.
I do so without thinking, my eyes landing on my cute little house with its small, neat front yard and wide porch.
Sitting on the porch steps is Chase. He stands up when our eyes meet.
He’s wearing his old jeans and one of the thick Christmas sweaters his grandmother knit him. His hair is a wild mess, and he clearly hasn’t shaved this morning. He’s got dark shadows under his eyes.
He’s visibly upset and tense and exhausted.
