AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“Well, I’m sorry.” I hold my hands up in front of me, thankful that the parking lot is empty and no one will have to watch us act like idiots. “But that was after you said something about me only being around you for the attention and something about destroying my life. You’re not that entitled that you get to throw around stupid stuff like that Callan.”
“You don’t have to apologize.” Callan tries to step closer, but I put my hands up in the space between us to stop him.
“No, please. Let me talk.” I suck in a deep breath before continuing.
“I didn’t mean to belittle you. I had no right to call you out like that.” He drops his head as I continue my unplanned monologue. “It did hurt, feeling like you led me on. Maybe I read into things the wrong way, but I didn’t deserve to be humiliated like that. To let you see a vulnerability of mine just for you to push me away. I know that you and I messing around together is forbidden, and I know it’s wrong, I know that,” I breathe shakily before continuing, “But I’m grown enough to know what I want and it’s not fair for you to make that decision for me because you have some kind of misconception about how you'd ruin my life.” I finally uncross my arms as I stare up at him, gesturing quotations around those last three words.
“It’s safe to say we both reacted immaturely. I just, I don’t want you to think I’m intentionally trying to hurt you.”
“Well you leading me on just to kick me out while calling me a nickname seems pretty intentional and honestly, confusing.” It’s clear he’s got a fight going on in his head just as I do. But why? Why does this have to be hard? Who cares if we work together. But I guess I’m just trying to understand why this is the way it is between us.
“I don’t know what else you want me to say, Sterling.” Callan tucks his hand into his pockets. “I’m sorry for making you feel embarrassed,” he adds.
“Maybe there is nothing to say. Maybe this is just some stupid infatuation that just needs to be forgotten,” I presume. “Maybe we just need to get it out of our systems. Maybe we’re just two people who are attracted to each other, but we’re trying not to be attracted to each other.”
Callan has his hands at his sides, fingers balled into fists. I can see the vein popping out of his neck. I know he feels something more, people don’t react this way over nothing. But I can’t keep doing this back-and-forth thing with him. We either do or we don’t but I won’t be able to move on until this temptation is either satisfied or removed all together.
twenty
Callan
IknowIfuckedup last night, I knew it the second she left my house. I don’t know why I overreacted the way I did but seeing her pleasure herself in my car did things to me. Sinful, nefarious things. I didn’t care if I was gonna hurt her, break her until there was nothing left. I’m a man who prefers no strings attached and she’s a woman who deserves the fucking world, from what I’ve seen. A world I know Icangive her if I just allowed myself to feel.
But maybe this can work, if we can both agree that there will be no strings attached. Fuck, I can’t believe I'm even trying to rationalize this right now.
“Sterling, I live life in the gray areas. I don’t step out into the light much. I’ve done things that no one should be proud of…” I trail off, thinking of all the things I’ve done that make for a shitty excuse of a man.
“I’ve been a selfish lover, using women for my own personal pleasure,” I continue. Not once have I felt bad for it, until now. Until the debate in my head where Sterling is concerned. And there’s that unspoken thing I did not long ago. The part of my life I’ve chosen to block out that no one knows about it. But I do. And I’d be lying if I said it didn’t eat at me every now and then. And there’s my fucked up family. And my need for power is more than my need to feel.
“I’m just not a good man,” I admit, finishing my statement. Even if we didn’t work together, this would never pan out pleasantly for her.
She watches me with her mysterious eyes, usually she’s pretty readable. But as we stand her in this stupid parking lot, I can tell she’s annoyed, confused, hurt even.
“Elaborate,” she says.
“I don’t know-”
“No, start with the selfish lover thing.” Her eyes are shaded with something intense but swirled with a hint of sadness
“What?” Why would she want me to elaborate something like that? Is it not self-explanatory?
“You heard me.”
“Well, one-night stands, mostly, always on my terms. But mostly, I just don’t find interest in attachment, or something more. Sex is just sex.” My confession holds heat on my tongue as I watch, trying to gauge her reaction. I’d never really been ashamed of that lifestyle, until I spoke it out loud in front of a girl I could maybe see more with. But her sweet blue eyes only hold mine more intensely.
“Why is that such a bad thing?” she asks, stumbling over her words.
I shift in my position, the air feeling sticky around me. But I know it’s only because my want is growing deep. And her question pisses me off because it feels as if she’s asking for permission, like she’s curious as to whether or not I’d grant her that luxury.
And I would.
So fucking fast.
But she deserves better than that. Imagine me giving in only having to fire her because I can’t give her what she wants and I’d have to live with that every day by looking at her.
“What’s wrong?” she asks, obviously seeing a look of uncertainty on my face.
God, could she be any more oblivious? If she wasn’t standing there, looking so fucking sweet with her doe eyes staring up at me, cheeks red with desire, hair wrapped up so perfectly, waiting to be let down and pulled, I’d leave her here. Because if it were anyone else, it wouldn’t be worth my time.
