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When I struggle to pick a name for our son, I don’t stress the situation like I do the house. I choose the name my parents planned for me if I’d been a boy. Jester likes Killian and how it honors my parents.
Our son is born in the middle of the Sanctuary’s latest baby boom. Anna started the trend, followed by Vada and then James. Parker is born next. Killian arrives just before Reece.Ghost and I both get our boys!
Not long after Nadia gives birth to Vegas’s son named Cash, Bomber and Pumpkin have their surprise baby, Carson. This officially ends that particular baby boom.
Of course, another one revs up as soon as the former Dolls hook up with various bikers. Thorn and Celine—now known as Cozy Glow—lead the way with their daughter, Thalia, followed quickly with a son named Thayer.
By then, Jester, Killian, and I have moved into our finished two-story, four-bedroom house. The dark floors and cabinetry fit our “butch” tastes. Pumpkin adds blue touches around the house, knowing I love the color. Killian’s navy-blue-and-pale-gray nursery is gorgeous. I love hanging out in there with my baby and rocking him during his gassier evenings.
Unlike poor Apex who feared touching Anna with his big, scary hands, Jester never holds back. He’s got Killian in his arms as soon as our boy’s cleaned up at the clinic. I watch him stare at our son as if silently promising to do right by him.
Jester bounces back and forth from joy to depression those first few months. Every happy moment with Killian makes him regret more about what he missed with Lando.
“Regrets will swallow me up,” Jester admits one night as we sit in the living room with Killian. “But what kind of man doesn’t feel guilty for fucking up so royally?”
“I know guilt,” I say as I lean my cheek against him and admire our baby cradled in his strong arms. “I sometimes think Dire wouldn’t be living alone if I hadn’t wanted to go out that night. Like, she might be living a better life if I chose differently. But there’s no going backward. I can’t fix anything. I just try to be a good friend and respect her choices.”
“But I can’t make anything up to Lando,” he explains, sounding so sad.
“You can keep him alive by loving Killian. Raise our boy to know his brother. Be the dad you wish you’d been to Lando. It might not feel like much, but in ten years, you’ll look back and feel good about yourself as a father.”
Jester doesn’t trust my advice. Mostly, he refuses to let himself off the hook. As if Lando can only be remembered if his father is punished.
But life has a way of distracting us from our painful pasts. Killian is like all babies, adorable and demanding. He swallows up his daddy’s time until Jester is too busy to hate himself.
Once he gave up his Road Captain rank, Jester became like any other club member. Overlord gives him regular assignments. My brother never asks too much from Jester, though. Partly because he realizes my man is a special case. But Overlord is also soft on new fathers, giving them lots of time to be around their kids.
By then, Overlord has his crew of younger members running all the leadership positions. Not long after Jester gives up Road Captain, Flagg retires his rank as Secretary. My girl Aqua finally has a chance to move up in the club.
Jester and I rarely worry about club business. We do what we’re told. Life is quiet with the Horned Angels gone. Overlord quietly expands our territory into Cahuenga over the next decade. More power brings more stability. Our baby-filled compound is kept safe.
Over time, I rarely leave the Sanctuary. In the past, I had something to prove about my skills or courage. These days, my goal is to be happy, and everyone I need is inside the Sanctuary’s walls.
Killian is a great kid. He looks a lot like Jester from his gray-blue eyes and wavy brown hair to his jawline and cheekbones. My son is gorgeous inside and out.
Killian loves to laugh and ham it up. He and Reece are the biggest dorks together. They crack up over farts and honking geese. I’ve never seen children so easily amused by the dumbest shit. They’re endlessly entertaining.
When Killian celebrates his third birthday, Jester falls into a painful depression. I don’t think he ever truly grieved Lando’s death. Shoving the pain aside hadn’t made it go away.
I’m glued to Jester’s side for those next few weeks. Where he goes, I go. He gets annoyed when I talk next to the door while he takes a shit. Killian joins me and keeps making farting sounds because the world all about poo for him.
Our son’s constant giggles are what finally pulls Jester out of his dark funk. One day, my love sits on the couch, staring at the wall and fully hiding in the past. Killian is nearby telling me how Reece pooped in the potty.
“It was huge!” cries my boy.
As Killian rolls around on the ground, snorting and giggling, Jester cracks up. He finally breaks free of his grief enough to see the blessings right in front of him.
When Jester crawls over to Killian, I know he’s turned a corner with his grief. Hiding from it didn’t help, but wallowing in guilt isn’t the answer, either.
Killian grows up knowing about his brother. Like at Papa Bear’s house, our place has a hallway filled with family pictures. Lando, Betty Boop, Connor, and Richelle live on in our memories.
I took a long time for me to step away from my grief and regrets. I also let my fear trip me up.
But I never gave up on my dream of winning Jester’s love. He might have started out as a teenage fantasy, but I grew to know and love him in a real way.
Once I saw him riding shirtless on his motorcycle that day so many years ago, no other man had a chance. And that’s one thing I’ll never regret.
