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My eyebrows pull together, and I can’t help but ask, “What do you get?”
“You’re in love with someone,” he throws the words out there casually, like they aren’t arrows that hit dead center. I shake my head and his eyes soften with something close to pity. The impulse to slap him rides me hard. “It’s cool. I get it. Whoever the guy is, he’s lucky he caught your eye and your heart.”
I open and close my mouth a few times, but no sound comes out. Miles reaches over and gives my shoulder a pat like he’s trying to console me or some shit.
The urge to lash out is almost uncontrollable, but I manage it. Only because his wild assumption gets me out of a bad situation. I’ve never talked to anyone about my feelings for Conor. I’ve kept them deep in the vault of my soul.
You never know who is listening. With how I grew up, you learn quickly that even the walls have ears. And maybe a recording device.
“Just know if something happens over break and you change your mind,” he flashes me his dimply grin again, “I’ll be here when you get back.”
“That’s really sweet,” the words feel like glass in my mouth, but I get them out all the same.
Miles leans towards me and for a moment I think he’s going to kiss me—my lips or my forehead, it’s a toss-up on that one—but he doesn’t. Thankfully. Instead, he gives me a quick hug, winks, and walks away.
What a strange fucking night. It’s kind of the perfect send-off before I return home tomorrow. I’m not sure how I’m going to face Conor, but it’ll be unavoidable. Then I’ll have to tell Declan I’m coming home for good.
It’s fine. What could go wrong?
Merry fucking Christmas to me.
CHAPTER 2
CONOR
I don’t get nervous. Yet, here I am, feeling like I’m about to rip my hair out at the root. All because of a certain woman who I haven’t been able to forget. The distance between us has only made me more rabid for her.
I thought I had myself under control. I wasn’t going to touch her. Ever.
Then she announced she was going to go to college in California and I nearly lost it. I wanted to rage and stomp around while telling her there was no fucking way that she was going to go all the way across the country to go to school.
I couldn’t say a fucking word. All I could do was congratulate her and wish her well.
Because if I had given into my impulses, the feelings I had spent months stuffing down would have come out and then there would have been hell to pay.
No, instead, I’ve been in my own personal hell.
Because I can’t see her.
Because I don’t even talk to her.
Because I haven’t seen her, other than in pictures, for far too long.
Since she’s been gone, I’ve done some shit that would get me in trouble with the big boss and my best friend, Declan, if he knew. He also happens to be the big brother of my obsession.
Declan might be Saoirse’s big brother, but it’s more than that. After their parents died, when Saoirse was far too young to even remember them, he became the only father figure she’s ever known.
I remember the first time I saw the little girl who had no problem leaning into the role of Irish mob princess. She was eight and adorable with a bunch of sass on the side. I became like her big brother, since Declan couldn’t be, but we both knew I wasn’t.
I never wanted her to feel like I was hired family though and we made sure to make memories together. I was there right next to Declan as she grew up. It was all so fucking innocent then.
I’m not even sure when it changed.
When I noticed how she would sometimes look at me when she was 16, I knew I had to put some distance between us. I hated it because my family has always been shit and it felt like I was losing someone important in my life.
Even when I vouched for my brother, Patrick, and he started working for the McCarthy family, we weren’t close. I thought it might be possible for us to be more than blood, but it didn’t happen. Then, he fucked up and betrayed not only the limited trust I put in him, but Declan’s as well.
I’m sure another man would be sad about his death, but not me. He deserved to visit the reaper, up close and personal. The only thing I regret is putting even a little bit of trust in him in the first place. I should have known better. I should have known he’d fuck it up.
