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“I definitely missed you.”
“I’ve missed you, too. But think of it this way, if you weren’t doing a great job up there, they would’ve sent you back by now.” I tap him with my foot underwater. “So you can’t be doing as bad as you think you are.”
I am not imagining the shadow that passes over his face like a cloud passing in front of the sun. Not just any cloud. A storm cloud – his brows draw together, and his mouth purses until his lips are practically lost. What is he not telling me? I know if I call him out, this will end in disaster. We only have a few more hours together, and I don’t want to ruin it by pushing too hard.
“I definitely miss this weather.” He offers an empty little laugh as he changes the subject. “I already said that, didn’t I?”
“It bears repeating.” Then, I tap his shoulder before pushing away from the wall. “You’re it.”
“Oh, so that’s the game we’re playing?” Any hint of worry is lost when he lunges for me, and for a little while it’s enough to play. To let go of everything and everyone else and focus on having fun. He’s a lot quicker than I am in the water – his body is just more powerful – but I’m slippery, so it’s not easy for him to catch me.
Though when he does, when he draws me close with his hands on my waist and his body pressed against mine, my willpower threatens to break. “You know we shouldn’t,” I murmur, pressing my hands against his shoulders.
“Yeah, yeah.” He’s still staring at my mouth, and I still like the way he stares. Every nerve in my body is tuned to him, to his slightest movement. I forget to breathe as he leans closer, his breath heating my face. One kiss won’t hurt anything, right? Just one kiss to get rid of this ungodly tension.
All at once, Ryder’s sweet, trusting face flashes across my mind’s eye, and it’s enough to harden my resolve. I’m not kidding around this time when I firmly push away from Ash, whose face falls a little when I do. “Come on. All this swimming made me hungry.” It’s a lot safer if we’re out of the water and both fully clothed.
Once he’s dried off and dressed, he joins me in the kitchen and puts together a salad using some of the produce we picked up earlier today while I grill chicken breasts to go along with it. While we cook, he asks questions about the team and how everybody’s doing. I’m happy to be able to give him good news about everybody’s progress. “Don’t get me wrong. You’re missed, and so is Soren. But they’re doing their best to cover the loss.”
“So I’m not exactly replaceable, but maybe a little?” He brings the chef’s knife down on a head of romaine much harder than he needed to.
“You know that’s not what I’m getting at. Here I am, trying to reassure you…”
He laughs it off, easing my concern. “I’m busting your balls. Of course, I’m glad everybody’s doing well, and I know we have you to thank for that.”
It’s funny how my immediate knee-jerk reaction is to brush off the compliment. Why do I do that? Maybe I need to start treating myself the way I would a patient. Maybe it’s time to delve into my brain a little and figure out why I do what I do. Maybe it’s years of feeling like my accomplishments weren’t quite as worthwhile compared to my brother. Maybe years of feeling overshadowed made me create this defense mechanism where I try not to take myself too seriously.
instead of brushing him off, I grit my teeth and smile. “I hope so. I really hope everybody’s learning skills they can take with them over the season.”
“I’ll give you one thing.” He drags a cucumber slice through a blob of ranch dressing before popping it into his mouth. “You’re diplomatic when you’re trying to figure out how to take a compliment for once.”
“It’s not easy for me! Don’t forget, this is my first job out of school. I never want to sound too sure of myself. Like I’m bragging or anything.”
“When you’re around me, you can brag.” I narrow my eyes at him and he only laughs. “What? I’m trying to be supportive. Give me a break.”
I wish we could stay like this all night, joking, talking about nothing in particular. There’s no pressure, there’s no awkwardness. I hate the idea of him leaving already, especially when it seems like he needed this. A short break, time spent with somebody who cares about him. Once again, I want to ask about Soren and how they’re handling this new situation together… but something stops me. I don’t know what it is. A sixth sense, I guess. I’ve spent enough time with him to know when he has something on his mind he’s not ready to discuss.
So, even though I want to point out that he has his best friend in Seattle with him, I don’t bother. Whatever is dragging him down isn’t the sort of thing a best friend can help with, I guess. It’s not like I can’t understand or relate. There’s only so much Ruby was able to do for my morale when I first found out about Kyle, for instance. Sure, it was great to have a cheering section at my back, but she couldn’t deal with the feelings for me. I had to go through that myself. And I came out stronger on the other side – at least, I like to think I did. I guess it’s kind of like when a baby bird hatches – they have to break out of the shell themselves. As much as a bystander might want to help, it wouldn’t really be helpful in the long run.
That’s what is still on my mind as I take Ash to the airport. “You sure you’re not going to get in trouble for this?” I ask once we’re out of the car near the gate.
“Positive, or else I wouldn’t have risked it. Don’t worry so much.”
“How can I help it?” Now that it’s time to say goodbye, I can’t find the words. I don’t want him to go, not when today was so bright and fun.
More than that, it gave my soul something I didn’t realize I was missing until now. Like part of me went away, but I had it back for a little while. Now I’m going to have to adjust all over again.
I already suspected I was in too deep with him, but now I’m sure. I have fallen too hard.
So hard, in fact, that I can’t bring myself to pull away when he takes my face in his hands. I need his touch too much.
“There’s something I have to tell you. I’ve been debating all day on whether I should admit this.”
“What’s wrong?” I search his face for any clue, but his expression is unreadable. He looks worried, that’s all I know, so of course I worry, too.
“I…” his voice falters for a second, but he clears his throat and lowers his brow like he’s determined to push through whatever wants to hold him back. “I love you.”
Well, damn. Not what I was expecting, not by a long shot.
