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Max frowned. “Don’t you want to watch a movie?”
“Not tonight. I have PT tomorrow. I need to be rested. That’s what I’m here to do, after all. Physical therapy and hiding from the Russian mob.”
Not to start daydreaming about things that were not going to be mine. At least not with Max. The second part of that thought was the one that hurt me because I didn’t want to do any of those marriage things, as he’d put it, with anyone else. He’d woken me up inside. So what did it mean that he didn’t want me that way?
Still, that night when he climbed into bed, as I pretended to sleep in the way only insomniacs could, he tugged me against him, making me the small spoon in his embrace, I almost cried because it was so fucking unfair.
“Why do you feel like you have to fix everything?” he whispered in my ear, negating my belief that I’d fooled him. He smelled like whisky, cinnamon, and sandalwood. Somehow, it was a heady combination.
I opened my eyes. “I have to be worthy.”
“Of what?” He snuggled closer.
“Of having lived. When I’m gone, I have to know that I did something worthy of having been here. If I’ve made a mess, I have to fix it myself. That’s how I’m built.”
He was quiet. “Of having lived? So that when you’re dead, some faceless people can lay judgment on your life? Or is this a religious thing?”
I shook my head. “Not a religious thing. I don’t know if there is or isn’t an afterlife. I wasn’t raised with any particular faith. I guess it’s the nameless, faceless people. Sure. But maybe they won’t be nameless or faceless. Maybe they’ll be my family.”
“Still worrying that you’ll care what people think after you’re dead?”
I pulled out of his embrace. “There is nothing wrong with wanting to do better. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a better version of myself. Of saying sorry. Of making amends. Of wanting the people you leave behind to say, hey, she was here and thank goodness she was. I grew up with a ghost in my house. All my houses. She walked behind us all the time. Her red hair, gorgeous eyes, and talent cast a shadow over everything I did. People remembered her. They pay thousands of dollars still for her work. It mattered that she was here, even if her time was brief. I can’t do what she did, I don’t have an inch of talent, but there isn’t anything wrong with wanting to do what I can while I’m here. Maybe someday, Tim will remember me. They’re going to remember you, by the way. Your food. What you did. I’m sorry if it doesn’t make sense to you, like the marriage thing doesn’t, but it’s just a truth to me. If you live with a constant ghost, you learn to believe that someday, you will be one too. Maybe because of it, you also want to have made a difference while you were here.”
He rolled onto his back. “Just another thing I’m never going to understand.”
19
After the birthday party, his family started coming over every day. Different members visited at different times. I was always glad to see them because it was a distraction from the fact that Max and I weren’t talking about what we’d discussed that night after the party. Susan declared me fit to stop PT by the end of that week, which was surprising for how fast it went, but I really was moving around better.
“Like this?” Max put a spoonful of something he was cooking in my mouth, and I ate it fast. This was typical with him. He liked my opinion on what he was making, even if he never wanted to discuss with me where we should go on vacation.
I did like it. “Delicious. Is that…soup?”
“It is. I think soups are really nice in the winter. I was thinking of adding two. That’s a pumpkin soup.”
“Outstanding.”
He grinned. “Awesome.”
When he smiled that way, I could forget all of the things that worried me about us going forward. This part of Max was easy. I didn’t know how I was going to do without this… I was still here, and already, I could feel the anticipatory ache.
At what point did we put an end to what we were doing? “Do you hear anything from Michael about the mob?”
“Nothing new.” He walked back to the kitchen. “He’s working on it.”
“And you knew someone in that part of the world who could have at some point helped?” I suddenly remembered the conversation from the hospital.
Max turned off the oven and came around to me. “Hope, if there were anything I could do, I would do it. I hope you know that. The guy I knew, the one who owes me a lot at this point, has vanished. That’s what guys like him do. They vanish. I’m not sure where I would start to find him. If something pops up, I’ll do it, I promise.”
“I know. I was just…unclear about what that had all meant. Blame the drugs.”
He grinned. “Do you like to sled?”
I never got to answer that because his phone rang. He frowned and stared at it. Most people texted these days. Max answered it. “Michael? What’s going on? Okay.” He took the phone from his ear and put it on speaker. “She’s here. She can hear you.”
“I need you two to get out of there. Your location is compromised.”
Max blinked, fast. “What? How can that be?”
