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“You’d better go. The CIA is giving you a supersonic ride back to Sydney. Take care, Kaiya, and if you can…if you want to, keep in touch.” He let her go and stepped back, then turned, his face suddenly ravaged. It was as if he didn’t want to watch her go.
She stared at his broad back as he headed toward the entrance, and she turned toward the car, then just couldn’t take the next step, paralyzed, realizing she had something to say to him, and she wanted to say it in person.
She whirled and heedless of the waiting driver, she called out his name, “Kodiak!”
He turned back around, a startled look appearing in his eyes. She choked out his name, suddenly blinded by tears, and he caught her as she stumbled into his arms. “Babe?”
Gathering her up in a rough embrace, he caught the back of her head and held her tight against him.
She tried to answer, but she couldn’t. There was just too much emotion breaking loose. Kaiya held on to him, her whole body shaking with emotion.
“Kaiya, please tell me what’s wrong.”
“I don’t know how to let you go, Jay. I just don’t, but I know I have to.” She lifted her head and looked at him, her tone urgent. “All I know is that you’ve given me a fresh perspective on my own tangled feelings about my mixed race. It’s given me a different perspective on embracing who I am as a whole person and not halves of a lacking whole. It liberated me in ways I have yet to act on or comprehend,” she whispered, her eyes filling. She flattened her hand against his chest, her heart beating in frantic time just like his. “I have so much soul searching to do, and so much more to understand, but to feel so relieved in this struggle is priceless. We are separated by distance, nationality, and jobs. Those are all so hard to overcome.”
He watched her with an intensity that made her heart climb up her throat and nearly stall. Finally, he hauled in a deep breath and grasped her face between his hands, the look in his eyes fierce with emotion. “I want you to know that I love you. I see your soul and I love you.” He went dead still and stared at her, his eyes sad yet filled with amazing light. “Thank you for being a part of my life. I’ll never forget what you did for me, and I’ll never forget you.”
He tightened his hold, his voice gruff with regret when he answered. “I’ll never forget you, babe. Ever.”
He stared at her for an instant longer, then he closed his eyes and hauled her into his arms, his unchecked strength nearly crushing her. He didn’t say anything for the longest time. He just held on to her as if he couldn’t let her go, and Kaiya closed her eyes and clung to him, pain mixing with all her feelings for him. She could do this. She could let him go. She had to.
Finally, he let all the air out of his lungs, and with unsteady fingers, he brushed her face. Leaning into her, his mouth close to her ear, he whispered, his voice rough and unsteady, “I love you, too. You are the most amazing woman I have ever met. Go and kick ass.”
Stunned by his words, her heart swelled with her feelings for him, and with heartache. He tipped up her face, his expression taut and solemn, then bent his head and kissed her—one of those long, wet, openmouthed kisses that made her senses swim and her body go weak. She sank into it, tears seeping out from beneath her lashes, not sure how she was going to let him go, especially after what he’d said to her.
“Remember that, Kaiya.” He kissed her again, then let her go.
The driver laid on the horn, and there was no time left. This time when she got to the car, she pulled the door open and settled inside.
When she looked out the window, he was still standing there. She pressed her hand to the window, and his jaw bunched. The driver put the car into gear, and they pulled away from the curb.
Kaiya watched him, her vision blurring, the pain in her chest nearly intolerable until he disappeared from sight.
17
Stripped down to his shorts,Kodiak did a clean deadlift, holding it for a few seconds at the top, then he returned the weight to the floor. He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and had to look away. It had only been two weeks since he’d said goodbye to Kaiya.
She told him some profound things about herself, things he had a hand in. Helping her fulfilled a deep well of need inside him. He realized how he had kept his emotions in check and how that had damaged his own inner peace, and reconciliation with his family issues. Interacting with Kaiya had been the catalyst that had freed him from his own prison which had allowed him to search his heart and soul for his real feelings about Sakari’s death. He had been angry with her and had nurtured that anger inside him, sometimes turning it on himself for his inability to see her pain.
It was a complicated grief that had permeated his life for a long time, realizing he was also extremely angry at his father, but that wasn’t news to him. That was the easy anger. What wasn’t so easy was how angry he was with his mother for her inability to stand up to his father, her don’t-rock-the-boat mentality that had also adversely affected his family, especially Sakari. With the acknowledgment of his anger toward his mother, the guilt he often felt with that emotion became so evidently clear to him. He’d often seen her as a victim of his father’s abuse. How could he blame her for her inability to fight back?
With that clarity, it was easier to work through all the other emotions and come to some kind of peace with them all. He wanted to talk to his mom, and a trip home was in order. Clearing the air between them would help him to find some kind of closure of that hidden guilt and would help him to heal with respect to Sakari’s death. It was better for him to express his emotions. They existed whether he tried to ignore them or not. Attempting to avoid them or deny them had delayed and even deepened his pain. By allowing himself to feel the darkest, most disturbing emotions, he found they began to diminish and the pain he’d been feeling beneath the surface eased considerably.
Emotions weren’t meant to be ruthlessly controlled, even the negative ones. She’d taught him that, and his philosophy of maintaining balance was tantamount to avoiding emotions had been deeply flawed—and abandoned.
He’d been working out, using hard physical labor as a vent for the undercurrent of bitterness that kept trying to pull him under. It wasn’t the bitterness of separating from Kaiya, although that caused him a heavy burden of heartache. No, it was the injustice of leaving her interpreter, Afsoon Haydar, behind in Afghanistan that was eating at his soul.
He didn’t bury the pain of separating from Kaiya, but allowed himself to mourn her loss, even though that happened to be on a daily, sometimes hourly basis. He made his decision to not pursue a relationship with her because of the complications. She’d also made her own decision. Didn’t mean he hadn’t second-guessed himself a number of times. His heart felt like hamburger meat, and he missed her so much, his body ached from it.
The only person who was aware of all this was Hazard, and he hadn’t been shy about not only talking about it but being Kodiak’s buddy.
He slammed down the weights, Afsoon’s plight plaguing him once again. Why hadn’t anyone gone after the interpreter?
That’s when it hit him. He had contacts throughout DoD, JSOC, and the CIA even ones still in Afghanistan he could rely on and create his own Operation Pineapple Express. He had the skills to go back over there, insert into Kabul, make discreet inquiries, and track him and his family down, then get them out and to Australia as was promised by the government. It was problematic as Afsoon wasn’t an American citizen, but with their strong ties to Australia, he could easily justify his involvement. It wouldn’t be in an official capacity, but he didn’t let that deter him.
When he looked up, Iceman was standing behind him and watching him closely. His boss’s ice-blue eyes missed nothing, and his legendary intuition was what kept him and his teammates alive through some hairy missions. He trusted the man with his life and would follow him into hell.
He set his hands on his hips. “You’re ripped, my friend. I wouldn’t want to get into any kind of altercation with you at the moment.”
