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What do I want to do? What do I like to do? It’s probably pretty sad, the way I can’t come up with anything even when I give it a sincere try. When life is all about survival, there’s no room for like or want. There’s only need, such as the need for food and clothing, electricity, and bus fare. When you’re in the habit of scrambling to keep your head above water, you tend to forget there was ever a time you did the things you wanted to do. Like being a kid, having that freedom. When it’s all stripped away, it’s easy to lose parts of yourself, too. To forget who you are—or were—before life took away your options.
And here I am, with the chance to get myself back on track. Could it be that simple?
“What am I even good at?” It’s such a stupid question that it makes me laugh.
“Are you serious? You’re brave. Braver than most people.”
“Shut up.”
“You don’t know that about yourself?” He cocks his head to the side after dropping a fistful of balled-up napkins into the trash. “Really? You walked into this hotel for me. You didn’t have the first clue what was gonna happen once you were inside. But you went anyway. That’s brave.”
“So what? I’m supposed to look for a job that requires bravery? This isn’t making me feel very good.”
“There’s more to you than that. I’m just saying that’s the first thing that came to mind.” He rests his folded arms on the counter and blows out a sigh before his brows lift. “You’re smart.”
Lately, I have to wonder about that. If I were smart, I wouldn’t make it so easy for Mason to hurt and confuse me. I wouldn’t want more from him than he’s willing to give. “I don’t know.”
“And you’re funny. You’re quick, you know?” He snaps his fingers. “You always like, come up with smart comebacks.”
“That’s still not much of a job skill. Unless somebody wants to hire a smart-ass to keep them in line all day. I could bully them into getting their work done.” I can think of one person in particular who I’d love to bully a little.
“Give it some time. You don’t have to figure it out right this minute.” But that’s the thing. I feel like I do. At any minute, this could all come to an end. It would surprise me that he doesn’t see that if I didn’t know him as well as I do. He’s never been good at thinking too far into the future, while there are times when I feel like that’s all I do. I look ahead and worry. “I usually find the bright side of everything. A silver lining, but the last few days, I keep thinking of the worst way something could turn out.”
“I mean, I think about the worst-case scenario, too,” he muses thoughtfully. “But I want to believe it’ll all be okay.”
“I would like to believe that, but it’s hard for me.”
“Why, do you think?”
“So I can be ready for the worst, just in case.”
It’s interesting how the same event can affect two people so differently. I learned at an early age how suddenly the bottom can drop out, and all your plans can go to hell in the blink of an eye. And that changed me. I guess if I had everything in order and nothing to ever worry about, I would still wake up in the middle of the night with my heart in my throat and my pulse banging in my ears. I have to be ready.
And now, somebody’s asking me to consider what I want my life to look like? It’s irrational, the anger that rushes through me out of nowhere. I know what I owe my brother for making sure I had everything I needed—he could’ve gotten rid of me and moved ahead with his life, but he didn’t, and that’s why I’ll never desert him. But it doesn’t exclude me from getting pretty annoyed with him, the way I am now. It’s not even his fault. He just happens to be the other person in the room.
“Hey, I remembered something!” Jase suddenly shouts. “When you were younger, you wanted to write a children’s book. You came up with a story and everything.”
My eyebrows pull together as I rack my brain for the memory. “Are you sure about that?”
“Yes! I remember you wanted to call it the Dragonslayer Club or something like that. It was about a girl who accidentally joined the club, thinking it was just to learn how to sword fight.”
Like a light bulb going on in my head, the memory rushes back. “Oh my God, I do remember it now. The girl bought a sword and didn’t realize it came with a purpose.” Excitement fills my veins just thinking about that time.
“You had a whole story written down, even drew pictures.”
“Yes…” The excitement fades away quickly as I realize what happened to the story and my pictures. “All of that got left in the old house.”
“Oh.” My brother’s face falls. “Maybe we can remember it together.”
“Yeah, maybe,” I tell him because I know that’s what he wants to hear. I don’t have the heart to tell him that I would rather forget since thinking about the past reminds me of everything I’ve lost. I’d rather look toward the future.
“I’m going to head back to my place.” My place. There’s a laugh. It’s not my place, and I need to remind myself of that. I’m getting too comfortable. Mason could kick us out this very day, and then where would I be?
“You could hang out here. We’ll find a movie to watch or something.”
“Maybe later.”
He shrugs it off in his usual way before I get up and leave. “Whatever.”
