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I want to lose myself in the kiss, in the closeness of him, but it’s as though my life is speeding up; the days I have are rapidly passing, while I worry more than ever I’m going to hurt him.
But before I can say anything, he sits up. ‘I have so much to tell you. You’re not going to believe what I’ve found out.’
‘Oh?’ Getting up, I go through to the kitchen.
He follows me. ‘I’ve found Lori’s grave.’ His voice is suddenly sober.
I feel myself freeze. ‘How?’
‘I figured out a window of dates – because of the music, the type of car. It was a pretty big window… Anyway, when I typed inLori Carmichael, 1980s car crash,it took a while, but eventually I found an archived piece from 1982 in the BathHerald.’ Hestares at me. ‘I took a screen shot to show you. I hope you don’t mind. I borrowed your laptop.’ He sounds apologetic.
‘Of course not.’ I’m trying to take it in. ‘Are you going to show me?’
Bringing my laptop into the kitchen, he shows me what he’s found.On 20 July, seventeen-year-old Lori Carmichael was tragically killed in a car accident. The driver of the car, William Gray, 18, escaped with minor injuries. The police are appealing for any witnesses to the crash.
‘God.’ Shock washes over me.
‘You know what this means, don’t you?’ His eyes search mine. ‘They’re real, Marnie. Lori and Billy were real people.’
Lightheaded all of a sudden, I sit down at the kitchen table. Pulling out a chair next to me, Forrest goes on.
‘After that, I searched for William Gray, Bath, 1980s – in obituaries.It turns out Billy died two months later. It didn’t cite the cause of death.’ Sighing, he gazes at me. ‘I went to the churchyard where Lori’s buried. It was weird.’ He shakes his head. ‘It was like I knew instinctively where to find it. It was in a corner of the churchyard, in what looked like part of a family vault. As I stood there, all these emotions took me over – sadness, guilt, grief. They were powerful…’ He pauses. ‘However crazy it might seem, in another way, it makes perfect sense. You see, if you and I were Lori and Billy…’
Knowing where he’s going with this, I shake my head. ‘Don’t, Forrest.’
‘Please. Just hear me out.’ He pauses, his eyes burning into mine. ‘Just say they were soulmates… And just say Rita’s onto something when she talks about past lives… I know Billy blamed himself for Lori’s death. It was his fault. He was driving recklessly. After, the guilt he carried was unbearable. I guess he took it to his grave. But in this life, coming back as me, he has achance to make up for letting her down.’ His eyes implore me to believe him.
‘You mean if I was Lori.’ I’m filled with doubt. ‘If that’s the case, why don’t I remember?’
‘I don’t know. Because mostly we don’t? Or the only reason I do is because of the accident with Joe?’ He speaks quietly. ‘I’ve thought so much about how I’ve lived my life – this life. And I wasn’t on a great path. You know, being the arsehole lawyer with the flashy car and expensive toys… But when I think about it now, I wonder if it was part of the plan. I mean, it’s how I met you. There could be any number of times our paths have crossed before – and for one reason or another, we missed them…’ He frowns suddenly. ‘I’ve never even asked where you lived in Spain. I’ve been there so many times.’
‘Cadaques.’ I stare at him.
A look of disbelief crosses his face. ‘I went on holiday there – three years ago – with Joe.’
So did lots of people, but the strangest feeling comes over me. What if he’s right, if there have been other times, and we’ve simply missed each other?
He goes on. ‘This thing about Lori and Billy, losing Joe, even your illness, it’s made me question everything I’ve always believed.’
‘What if there is no plan?’ I’m silent for a moment, thinking about my illness. ‘If things just happen – and as for where we end up, there are any number of different paths we can take, that depend on the people we meet. Or things like a car breaking down or missing a flight, meaning things are out of your control and you end up not being where you’re meant to be. Other times…’ I shrug. ‘We make choices.’ I break off. Then, taking a deep breath, unable to contain it any longer, I tell him about mine.
I watch the blood drain from his face as he takes in the reality of what I’m saying. ‘Why didn’t you shut me up just now?’ A tear rolls down his cheek.
‘I didn’t want to,’ I say tearfully, holding him, feeling him sob, summoning every last bit of strength I have, trying to explain how I want to live so much it hurts. But I’m battling something I can’t beat. ‘What I don’t get is – why?’ My voice wobbles. ‘I mean, if there’s supposed to be a reason for things, why this? Why now, when you and I have just met?’ I shake my head. ‘I’ve only just found you. And I’m going to lose you again. Is it too much to ask for us to have a chance?’
He holds my hands tightly. ‘I can’t bear the thought of losing you.’ His voice breaks.
‘I don’t have long, Forrest,’ I say through my tears. ‘A year, maybe two, tops.’ I break off, swallowing. ‘But in reality, more like months.’
His hand tightens around mine. ‘Then let me be with you,’ he whispers, his eyes locked on mine. ‘However long we have, whether it’s weeks, months or years, we still have time.’
‘It’s so unfair,’ I say through my tears. ‘On you. And on me.’ I pause, because it’s only going to get worse. ‘I’m not going to be able to look after myself any more. Do you have any idea how that feels?’
Neither of us speaks for a moment.
‘Maybe that’s why I’m here,’ he says quietly, suddenly stoic. ‘To look after you. To make up for what happened to Lori. You’re going to need to let people help you.’ He strokes my hair off my face. ‘As much for you as for their sakes.’
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