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We shouldn’t do this. Not when we’re by ourselves. Sure, everything’s a little up in the air right now and I don’t know which rules apply anymore, but it’s not an excuse.
So I’ll stop him. Eventually. Once the heart-racing thrill of his kiss dies down a little and I can think. Until then, I’m going to soak in every moment of this. When he probes my lips with his tongue, I part them eagerly, letting him inside, and we both groan when the kiss deepens and intensifies.
Soon we’re breathing heavy, running our hands over each other, consumed by passion that’s been ignored for too long already. His touch is the sweetest fire, and I moan helplessly into his mouth as his hands move lower, finally, cupping my butt and hauling me close until I’m almost in his lap. And that’s where I want to be. There’s no question of where this is leading. Not if our overheated bodies have anything to do with it.
But again, something stops me. I hate more than anything to break the kiss, but somehow I manage to do it, pulling my head back when he leans in like he’s chasing me. “No. You know this isn’t right.”
“Dammit,“ he growls before letting his head drop. “I know.”
Gosh, he smells so good. It would be easy to lean in and let go of everything that’s supposed to matter. “I’m sorry.”
“Not as sorry as I am right now. You have a way of making a guy forget his principles.”
“Should I take that as a compliment?” We share a soft laugh that eases some of the burning tension. It helps clear my head a little, too, and puts everything in perspective. Now isn’t the time for this. I have to figure out what, if anything, to do now that we know for sure how Coach Kozak found out about us. I don’t have to tiptoe around the team, wondering if we have spies watching us.
Not that it matters if I don’t have a job – but then I’m not sure about that, yet, either.
Maybe it’s time to find out for sure.
16
HARLOW
This could either be the bravest thing I’ve ever done, or the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. Really, the situation could go either way. All I know is sitting in the car in my usual spot, staring at the arena, I’m trembling so hard I don’t know if I’d be able to get the door open if I tried.
I’m not even sure I want to try. It was one thing to drive out here, giving myself endless pep talks and playing loud, upbeat music to grant me a little extra courage. By the time I pulled into the lot, my heart was thumping, and adrenaline was flowing, and I was pretty sure I could conquer the world.
What a sharp left turn my courage took once I parked the car, leaving me with nothing to do but actually step out and make this happen. My courage ran away from me. I wouldn’t know where to begin to look for it now.
At the end of the day, no matter how I look at it, one answer rings out. I need to talk to Coach Kozak. Face-to-face. I need to know where I stand with the organization. I can’t live in this gray, in-between place anymore. Day after day, I wake up, notknowing if this will be the day, I get the call telling me my career is over. Surely, no matter what his personal feelings are, he must understand that. He’s still human, he still has feelings. And he is, at heart, a decent man – that couldn’t possibly have changed.
It’s just I don’t know how I’d move forward if his answer involves handing me a box and telling me to pack my things, and never show my face around here again. At least I could try to move on from that, even if the concept seems unfathomable right now. I could do it. But waiting around and leaving my future in his hands when I don’t have the first clue what he’s thinking? I can’t do that anymore.
It was a matter of deciding which would be worse, being told off, or spending the rest of my life in limbo. Considering I’m here for the first time in weeks, it’s clear I need to get this over with.
Please, let him be in a good mood. Please, if he’s not, let him keep his voice down. How far my expectations have fallen, but I’m guessing that’s as good as I can hope for. Right now, with everything up in the air, that’s how low my hopes are.
There’s a game tonight, and warm-ups are due to start within the hour. Soon, the players will arrive, and I would like to get this over with by the time they do. That’s what finally gets me out of the car and sends me on my way, walking in short, quick strides that may or may not have to do with the fact that my bladder suddenly feels very heavy.
I am not going to let my fear rule me. I am going to handle this like an adult who does not wet her pants out of fear like a toddler.
Still… I hope he doesn’t yell at me.
It’s no surprise to find him in his office after passing my closed door. This is where I left him, only now he looks considerably more positive, taking notes as he goes over film at his desk.Please, don’t let me regret this.My knock is tentative, but loud enough to get his attention.
There’s a silent beat as he sits up straighter, pausing the video and giving me his full attention. “Doc. It’s been a while.”
Talk about an understatement. “That it has.” Okay, he didn’t call me a harlot and order me out. So far, so good.
“How have you been?”
“Do you want the polite answer or the truth?”
He offers an understanding little chuckle that brings me no closer to understanding what the heck he’s thinking. “Everybody around here sure has missed you.”
“And I’ve missed everybody. I’ve missed being here.” And here I stand, shifting my weight from one foot to the other, wishing he would give me a clue how to proceed. He seems friendly, and that can only be a good thing. But there are limits, too.
“Come on in, sit down.” I can’t pretend it doesn’t make me glad, being invited like that. This could be a good thing. It might turn out much better than I hoped. Still, I tense as I settle into a chair, hands folded on my lap. I’m ready to spring at any moment. I only hope it doesn’t turn out that way.
