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“I waskidding. You guys didn’t actually need to make out.” Sydney’s voice douses the moment immediately.
I press one final kiss to Cassia’s forehead and then step away.
Walk over to my sister. Beneath the bravado, I can see the strain in her expression. No matter what she decides, this will affect her.
“I’m sorry I freaked out.”
“Actually, you reacted better than I thought you would,” she says.
Any other day, I might have. I still feel like shit and I’m carrying around a lot of guilt about last night. I showed up here dreading telling Cassia and now I have tokeepdreading telling her. Sydney’s news—while shocking and concerning—has a lot to compete with.
“If there’s anything you need, let me know, okay? If there are doctor visits or other stuff—” God, I have no clue what equipment babies require. “Just let me know. There’s money Dad left that—”
“That money wasn’t meant for…this.”
“It was meant foryou,” I tell her. “However you need—or want—to spend it.”
Sydney’s smile wavers. “God, Dad would be so disappointed in me. I’m a cliché. History repeating itself.”
“He wouldnotbe disappointed in you,” I say.
Cassia walks down the hall and then slips into her bedroom, subtly giving us a moment of privacy.
“He loved you, Syd.Somuch. He’d love your kid the same way.”
She exhales, chewing on her bottom lip. “I don’t know if I can do this, Holden. I’ve never even thought about if I want kids. I’m supposed to go to London this semester. I got a scholarship for that program.”
“You didn’t tell me.”
“Yeah, well…” She looks away. “It was supposed to be a ‘Surprise, I’m going to London!’ thing. Not a ‘Surprise, I’m pregnant!’ conversation.”
“I can’t make any decisions for you, Syd. But I’ll support whatever you decide. And I’ll kick Baker’s ass if he doesn’t do the same.”
Her smile dies as quickly as it appeared. “What if Iamhistory repeating itself, Holden? What if I’mjust likeMom?”
“You’re not.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Yeah, I do. You’re nothing like her now, Sydney. If you decide to be a mom, you’ll still be nothing like her.”
I want to tell herselfishness isn’t genetic, but I’m not sure it’s true. I used to use it as an inherited excuse. But now I know it has limits. Cassia ranks above any of my own interests. It’s part of why I was so shocked when she told me she didn’t think she was a priority to me. All the lies I’ve told…they were to protect her, not me.
“Yeah. I hope not,” she says.
I didn’t show up here planning to discuss my mom with Sydney.
And all it’s done is remind me I’m keeping secrets—from both her and Cassia.
“Iknownot.”
Sydney nods but I’m not sure she believes me. Maybe it’s something she needs to realize on her own, the same way I did. Sydney has always seemed unscathed from our mother’s abandonment. I was the one who acted out and resented. She simply acted like our mother never existed, and I’m now wondering how much of a performance that was.
“Thanks, Holden.”
I hug Sydney and then force a smile. “I mean it. If you need anything, let me know. Okay?”
She nods. “I will. Thanks.”
