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But what about your grief?
It was such a gut-wrenching emotion and Brooke couldn’t help wondering if she would ever be free of its shadow.
‘When will the weather be warmer?’ Allegra asked, dragging Brooke back to the present.
‘In a few months, possibly sooner because our British weather is very unpredictable.’
‘Hooray!’ Allegra said again. ‘We’re going to have so much fun, Mummy.’
‘I hope so,’ Brooke replied, giving her daughter’s hand a squeeze.
‘We will, Mummy, and you will be happy again I promise.’
Allegra’s words made Brooke’s heart flip, and she leant over and pressed a kiss to Allegra’s head. ‘I know, sweetheart. I’ll be OK.’ She could make herself say the words but couldn’t quite convince herself that they would come true.
They followed a path through some trees and found themselves in a wooded area with picnic benches, a small park, and further on, a lake.
‘Can I go on the swings, Mummy?’ Allegra asked. ‘I want to fly high in the sky.’
‘Of course you can.’
Brooke followed her daughter across the wood-chip covered ground and helped her to sit on one of the swings, then gently pushed her from behind. Allegra sang about a robin flying through the sky and a blackbird that became its friend — a song that she had no doubt made up herself, as she was wont to do — and Brooke allowed her mind to drift across the park, through the trees and into a future where there was no more pain and anguish, just warm sunshine, and happy days filled with love.
Chapter 4
Brooke
As they entered the school gates two days later, Brooke felt her bottom lip wobbling. Her stomach was in knots and her eyes seemed to be constantly filling with tears, but she was trying hard to be strong for her daughter. Their moving date had been the second week of the new year. She’d wanted Allegra to have a few days in their new home before she started at her new school so it wasn’t all happening on the same day. Brooke and the headteacher agreed Allegra would start on a Thursday, allowing her two days to settle in at school and a weekend to rest. But while she’d told herself this was for Allegra, it was also for her benefit. In addition, Allegra was starting slightly later in the morning than the other children, so they crossed the deserted yard and climbed the stone steps to the double doors.
‘Are you ready?’ Brooke asked, her throat tight.
Allegra turned her face upwards and smiled. ‘I’m excited to make new friends, Mummy.’
‘You’ll make lots of friends, I’m sure.’
Brooke pushed open the door and they stepped inside.
Ten minutes later, Brooke was alone on the steps outside, her heart racing, and her vision blurred. Seeing how brave Allegrahad been as she’d walked into her new classroom and been introduced her to her classmates had been a proud moment for Brooke. Her daughter was, she felt sure, far braver than she had ever been herself. Allegra embraced everything life threw at her with strength and resilience, her little chin raised, a smile on her face.
And now, Brooke had the whole day ahead of her to continue sorting out their new house and trying to make it as homely as possible. It wouldn’t be easy, she thought, as she walked back towards Sunflower Street, because the property needed some work. They’d known this when they’d made an offer on it but found the thought of making it theirs, of decorating and furnishing it the way they wanted together, exciting.
‘Damn you, Aidan, for leaving me alone to do all this,’ she muttered. ‘If only you hadn’t been so selfish when you bought that bloody motorbike.’
Her voice caught, and she gasped at the enormity of the pain, at the anger that bubbled below the surface, anger that had nowhere to go. What was she supposed to do with the anger she felt towards her husband when he was no longer here to listen and to apologise? That thought made laughter burst from deep inside her. How could he apologise? Who apologised for dying? It wasn’t exactly possible, was it? And Brooke knew Aidan hadn’t chosen to die, of course he hadn’t, but he had chosen to buy that damned motorbike despite her begging him not to get it. He had then chosen to ride the thing on a stormy day. As a result of his decisions, he had left her and Allegra alone to manage without him. But, of course, the latter had not been something he’dchosento do. However, Brooke was mad at him, anyway.
‘How dare you leave us?’ She stomped across the yard, finding comfort in the anger that gave her energy when the grief was simply too draining to continue putting one foot in front of the other. ‘I’ll never forgive you for that, Aidan. Never!’
But as she walked home, she knew she couldn’t stay angry at him. She loved him far too much for that.
Chapter 5
Clover
Clover unlocked the door to The Pottery Shack and went inside. The interior smelt of clay and paint, of coffee and incense. She smiled as she walked to the back of the shop and turned on the lights, heating, and coffee machine, finding the smells familiar and comforting.
She hung her coat on a peg in the small staffroom out the back, then stuffed her gloves in the pockets. The staffroom had a square table, two chairs, a worktop, a fridge, a washing machine and a window overlooking the woodland. Right now, the trees were bare, their brown and grey branches reaching towards the sky as if begging for warmth and nourishment. Soon, they would grow buds and leaves and spring would return as it did every year, beautiful with its promise of renewal and growth. Some days, she wondered how many more springs she would see, how many changing seasons, but then she gave herself a shake and reminded herself to live in the moment and not to be so morbid. She’d got this far and hoped she had a few years left in her yet. And if not, well, what was meant to be, was meant to be.
It was a chilly January morning, but the sky was blue and the sun was out. On her walk down to the shop, the birds had been singing in the trees and the sound had lifted her spirits. Shenever took the beauty of where she lived for granted. Even after living in Wisteria Hollow her whole life, there was nowhere else she’d rather be.
