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My mailbox overflowed with mail and the yard probably housed a family of raccoons, it was so overgrown. God only knew what else was hiding in there. Feeling as if I’d been spiraling into an abyss of guilt, I drank to be numb from agony and the loss of the love of my life. I knew I wasn’t being fair to my mom, who stopped by daily. I had grown a full beard while I wallowed in my self-pity, my hair was almost to my shoulders, and the news I allowed myself to watch had reported me missing.
I wished I were missing; shit, I wished I’d been the one that was attacked. I had watched the news, where they snapped a picture of Liv when she was released from the hospital. The scrolling banner read that an agent had lost its top model as the reporter recited the scarce facts of that dreadful day. I yearned for only one thing: Liv and her forgiveness. I knew in my heart;however, I was the last person on earth she wanted to see. With that knowledge, I let her go, not wanting to cause her any more harm than had already been done.
I looked out my back door and saw the boat I’d crashed. I didn’t have the energy or desire to get rid of it. It was almost in two pieces and nearly sunk; the look of the boat matched how I felt. My shoulder had since quit hurting, but my range of motion was limited. I was sure I’d broken it or torn my rotator cuff, one of the two. As the weeks passed, neighbors left casseroles on my doorstep. The neighbor across from me left some amazing enchiladas, an improvement from Uber Eats. I demolished them and stuck the recipe and note card into the rapidly-filling drawer in the kitchen, where cartons and boxes of food sat in ruins after they were delivered. I ate what I wanted from them; the house had a stench throughout, and I wasn’t much better.
Throughout the two-month binge, I’d grown a little softer around the middle from a lack of taking care of myself.
Olivia
She was his princess. No. She was his goddess. With her golden skin and golden hair. She was his light. His life. His everything He loved her more than anything else in this world. Morgan Rhodes,Frozen Tides
I was frustrated at the state of things and, more specifically, at Parker. I didn’t understand what was going on with him. My heart ached as I lay there in bed alone with my scars. It hurt to move around; the wound on my leg was crippling at times. I winced in pain as I rolled out of bed to meet with my physical therapist.
“Good morning, Liv; how are you holding up today? Are you ready to get started? I suggest a short walk outside; it’s a beautiful morning,” Deanna, my physical therapist, said.
I was dressed in a jumpsuit that covered most of my body. It was hard for me to look at, and I didn’t want a sympathetic eye from others when they saw my scars. My hair piled high on my head in snake-like coils I shook my head.
“Good, shall we go now?” We walked to the door, and Deanna opened it. I squinted at the bright sunlight and immediately retrieved my oversized sunglasses, thankful that the shark’s tail at least left my sight intact.
With a deep breath, I took the steps out to the sidewalk. As we passed Parker’s house, I glanced up and could have sworn I saw him looking out the window. I stopped dead in my tracks, covered the top of my glasses to keep the sun out, and squinted, dying to get a glimpse of him.
The outside of his home was a disaster as we walked past. Pure grief tore at my emotions, and I started to cry as I limped past, and Deanna took my arm in hers. “Are you okay?” she asked as she steadied me and handed me a tissue. I sniffed a few times and hiccupped, wiping the tears away.
“I’m okay.”
“Good, let’s go just to this corner and back. Then we can do some exercises inside to strengthen your upper body and that leg.” I agreed as we continued to walk. At first it was exhausting, and it hurt a lot to walk around my house, much less walk half the street. But as the days passed and turned into weeks, I started to regain my strength, leaving only a slight limp to dealwith. I often had nightmares and was indebted to Martha for staying with me all this time.
“Olivia, are you ready for dinner? I made veal schnitzel!” Martha called out. I salivated as I smelled the veal with gruyere cheese. I reached the table and took a seat across from her.
“This looks amazing, Martha. Thank you so much. I don’t know how I’ll ever repay you.”
“Nonsense, I wouldn’t want it any other way.”
I smiled as I took a bite of the cheesy veal. I savored the rich flavor of the tender meat, added a touch more marinara to my linguini, and cut a piece of veal. “Have you heard from Parker?”
“No honey, I haven’t. I swing by and knock every day, with no luck.”
After dinner, we sat and watched some TV. I was watching a news feed when I came across the screen. A picture of me leaving the hospital with a caption:Agent loses top model after being mangled and crippled by a Hammerhead shark. Then, a missing person’s report showed a recent picture of Parker at the golf club.
With a shallow breath and my mouth slightly open, I gasped at the news as I realized the media hadn’t connected the two incidents. They didn’t even know we had been together when a shark mauled me.
Martha changed the channel quickly with a huff. “Nonsense! News reporters are just hungry fools.”
I laughed a laugh I didn’t even recognize as my own. It sounded like the laugh of someone on the edge of insanity as Martha patted my hand and rose when there was a sound at thedoor. Looking through the peephole, she opened it. “Hi, El, come on in.” She hugged Elliot and raised her chin, saying I was in the living room. As he entered, he caught me in tears. He came to me and put me in his arms, rocking me, trying to soothe the deeper scars that went unseen. Martha let us be and retreated to the guest room to turn in for the night.
“How are you holding up, lovey?” El asked.
I wiped my tears away and blew my nose. “I’m surviving if that’s what you mean. I can manage the external wounds, but the internal ones that Parks is causing are hard to manage.”
“Oh, love. We’re all trying to get through to him. He’s suffered, and he blames himself for thinking he forever ruined your life. He’s dealing with such deep-rooted grief. I just hope he comes out of it with his sanity.”
Knowing El was right didn’t dull the pain I felt, but I took a deep, shaky breath. When El noticed me covering a yawn he stood, put his hand out, and led me to my bed. He tucked me in and kissed my forehead. “I love you, my lovey. Get some rest; there will be another day. I’ll lock the door on my way out.”
I nodded as my eyes grew heavy and gave in to sleep. I dreamt of the last time Parker, and I had made love. When I woke, I was surprised. I was sexually frustrated and needed Parker near me.
After a shower and morning walk, I started doing things myself instead of relying on Martha. I fired up the grill and added three Tuna steaks, searing both sides quickly. In the kitchen, I assembled the steaks on a bun, added some wasabi, and put a long toothpick in the middle of the sandwich to hold it together.
Then I wrote a note:
