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I shift uncomfortably in my seat. I’ve never been in this situation before and don’t know how to act. Last time, I was just sitting in bed with Laney, and she was the focus. Now, I am the center of attention, and it’s strange.
“I...um…I’m having these dreams that I think could maybe be memories.”
She nods and jots down a note before resuming eye contact. She’s in a blue floor length dress, appearing elegant but also professional. Her long red hair is braided in a bun at the top of her head, and she’s wearing minimal makeup. Her blue eyes remind me so much of Laney’s that I start to relax a little.
“Can you tell me what makes you think they’re memories?”
I fold my hands together to stop from fidgeting.
“Just a feeling. It’s always the same, as if my mind is trying to tell me something, but then another part of me opens up a black hole to stop me from remembering.”
She nods. “That makes sense. Oftentimes, repressed memories that were from childhood trauma try to resurface, but our brain will go into protection mode and try to prevent us from seeing the trauma again.”
“So, how do I get them to stop? I want them to go back in their box and stay there.”
A soft smile touches her lips. It’s not condescending, but it makes me feel like I’m not going to like her response.
“Have you ever heard of the phrase, ‘sweeping it under the rug’?”
“I have.”Yup, not liking where this is going.
“Eventually, if you sweep enough things under there, a bump will form. If it stays there, then you will likely trip over it in time. You may learn to walk around it, but when you’re in a hurry, you forget and the painful memories will come out at the worst of times.”
I close my eyes and take a breath. As a grown ass adult, I know that sweeping things under the rug is not a long-term solution, but I hoped there was a way I didn’t have to deal with this.
“So, what then? I just have to keep reliving this until my brain decides to let me see the trauma I’m hiding from?”
She chuckles as she sits further back in the chair.
“Of course not. You have all of the power here. You can try to keep sweeping it under the rug, or you can lift the rug and clean it all out so you don’t have to keep dealing with it taking you by surprise.”
“That sounds painful.”
She shrugs. “It is. But I can promise you, that while it might be absolute rubbish to deal with, doing it now is better than letting your mind decide when it happens.”
I nod, knowing exactly what she’s saying.Did she just say ‘rubbish’?
“Are you British?” I ask.
I know she’s been undercover since Alexi met her, but that word is very specific. Her face turns red as she realizes what I just heard.
“That’s okay,” I say, holding up my hands. “You don’t have to tell me. I just don’t know many people that use that word.”
Relief flashes over her eyes as she all but folds over her knees. She doesn’t have to tell me a damn thing, but something about that word feels so familiar.
I shake it off though. Dr. K clearly isn’t ready to talk about her own past, and I have in no way earned that trust, so I won’t push anything.
“How do I deal with it then?”
She sits back up and resumes her professional role in an instant.
“There are two ways I normally suggest. We can do an exercise referred to as the float back technique. This process is fairlyquick. I will guide you through what you do know and help you open your eyes to what you want to see. It’s up to you what you let in. I would heavily suggest having Laney or Havoc in here as an anchor to keep you grounded to the present during this exercise.”
I like the idea of having control over what I see and being able to pull back at any time, but I don’t know how I feel about Laney and Havoc seeing me vulnerable again.
For the past four months, I’ve worked my ass off to become even stronger than I was before because I wanted them to stop looking at me like I was broken. I don’t want this to set us back.
“What’s the other technique?”
