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“Jesus, baby,” Matvey groans, pulling me into his arms as I sob against his chest. “It’s okay. You’re safe now.”
He repeats the words over and over again while he rubs my back and rocks me in his arms like I’m a small child who’s just woken from a nightmare and not a grown woman covered in sweat and shaking so badly my teeth are chattering.
“I’ll never be rid of him,” I whisper against his chest, clenching my hands into fists so tightly I can feel my nails digging intomy palms.
“You will, baby. I promise you will. It’s just going to take time.”
Looking down at my hands, the viper tattoo seems even more prominent than usual, and when I start to claw at it, Matvey gently rests his hand on mine, stopping me from breaking the skin.
“Don’t hurt yourself,malishka.”
“I hate it,” I hiss, my words broken because I’m still crying uncontrollably. “I fucking hate it, and I hate him. I can’t get him out of my fucking head.”
Keeping my hand in his, he tightens his other arm around me and keeps me pressed against his chest as he positions himself so he’s resting against the headboard with me securely in his lap. He strokes my hair and kisses my forehead while I cry against his shoulder.
“We’ll get the tattoo removed, and we can find you someone to talk to, someone who can help you through this. It’s going to take time, Alina, but I promise you’re going to get through this.”
I don’t say anything, because I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to weigh him down with my fears. I don’t want to tell him that I can’t be fixed and that he shouldn’t waste his time trying. I just let him hold me, taking comfort from his touch and the feel of his body against mine.
“Do you want me to read to you?”
I lift my head and look at him. “What?”
“Do you remember after the fire when you would sneak out and come and visit me in the hospital? You always read to me, and it helped. It gave me something to focus on instead of the pain. You’ve always been there for me, Alina, for as long as I can remember, and I love you so goddamn much for it, but now it’s my turn to take care of you.”
He reaches over and grabs a book from the nightstand. I recognize it immediately. It’s the fantasy book I was reading when I’d been taken. I’d left it in Matvey’s room since I spent every night in there anyway, and he’d kept it and brought it with him to America.
“Do you remember where you left off, or do you want me to start at the beginning?”
“The beginning,” I whisper, but it’s not because I don’t remember.It’s because I want to hear his voice for as long as possible. I get comfortable, resting my head against his chest, feeling the beat of his heart and then the deep, raspy sound of his voice as he starts from the very beginning. The familiar sound of him speaking Russian calms me as he continues to stroke my hair while he reads.
It takes me a long time to fall back asleep, but he doesn’t stop reading until I do. I don’t wake until the sun is streaming in the large floor-to-ceiling windows that we forgot to close last night. I’m still resting against Matvey’s chest and for a few seconds I keep my eyes closed, listening to the beat of his heart and reminding myself yet again that I’m safe. I’m not waking up on the hard floor, huddled into a ball, naked and cold. I’m surrounded by the man I love and in a warm bed and, aside from the memories that still haunt me, nothing can ever hurt me again.
Matvey’s tattooed forearm is still wrapped around me. I run my eyes over the tanned skin, noticing every detail of the colorful flame tattoos that cover his burn scars. He’s added onto them, the flames trailing down the length of his arm now, and it makes me curious what else he’s added. He’s definitely added several pounds of muscle to what was already a pretty damn perfect physique. I used to know every inch of him, and now I don’t even know what he looks like with his shirt off and it breaks my heart a little bit. When I reach out and trace my finger along one of his veins, he immediately wakes.
“Malishka, are you okay?”
His voice is thick with sleep, the same deep, sexy timbre it always is, and when he shifts his weight and I feel the hard length of him, everything comes crashing back down on me, reminding me that nothing is the same and that it never will be again. He feels me tense and lets out a sigh before kissing the top of my head.
“I’m sorry, baby. Here,” he says, moving me off his lap so I’m still cuddled up against him but no longer feeling his powerful morning erection. It kills me that we never got to experience our first time together. It’s all I wanted. It’s all I ever wanted. I never asked formuch out of life—I just wanted Matvey, a quiet life together, and a big family when the time was right.
“You’re all I ever wanted,” I tell him, keeping my head down and pressed against his chest.
“You have me, Alina. You’ve always had me, and you always will.”
“I wanted you to be my first, Matvey.” I clutch at his shirt, remembering what my first time had been like with Konstantin, the pain and fear and so much fucking blood. “You would’ve been so gentle,” I whisper.
He cups my head and lets out a shaky breath. “I regret so many things. I regret asking you to wait because I thought you were too young, I regret not being there on time to meet you, and I regret not being able to find you faster and save you from that fucking monster. I’m so sorry it took me so long. I’m so sorry he hurt you.”
“I wanted you to be my first, and I wanted to be yours.” My throat tightens at the thought of another woman getting to share that with him.
He's silent for so long that I’m afraid I’ve upset him, but then he kisses my head again and says, “Alina, I know it’s going to take a long time before you’ll want to do anything sexual with me, and I want you to know that I would wait a lifetime for you. There’s no rush. I’m not going anywhere, but when you’re ready, you’ll still be my first.”
“What?” I lift up and turn to face him.
His dark eyes look so damn sad when he says, “Did you really think I could ever be with someone else? You think I could just forget about you and what you were going through and fuck some random woman? God, baby, you’re all I’ve thought about. Every second of every goddamn day, I’ve thought of nothing else. No other woman has touched me, and no other woman ever will.”
I wrap my arms around his neck and hug him. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t wait for you.” He starts to cut me off, but I hug him tighter and keep going. “Please just listen. I can’t say this while you’re looking at me, so I need to say it like this.”
