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He nods his head while I grasp the back of his neck and stare at the headboard in front of me.
“At first I tried to fight him off. I tried so fucking hard, but all it did was make him beat me.”
Matvey’s body stiffens at the words, but he doesn’t interrupt again.
“But after a while, I couldn’t take the beatings, so I stopped fighting. I felt like I was betraying you. Every goddamn time he used me, I felt like I was betraying you, and it fucking killed me.”
The wet heat of his tears hit my neck, and I hate that I’m making him sad again, but I need to say this.
“You deserve better than this, Matvey. You deserve better than me.”
“No,” he immediately says, holding me tighter. “Don’t even fucking think that, Alina, not for one goddamn second.”
“He ruined me,” I whisper.
“He didn’t.”
“I’ll never be free of him, and the things he made me do.” My voice catches on my words as images assault me, making me wince and close my eyes at all the painful reminders. “I have nothing left to give you. All I wanted was to give you all my firsts, and he fucking took them.”
“Malishka,” he murmurs against my neck, “he didn’t take everything. You didn’t give him your heart, you didn’t give him your love, and you didn’t willingly give him your body.”
“But I stopped fighting.”
“I don’t care if you laid there and begged for it in order to escape a beating. You didn’t want it, and he’s a fucking bastard for forcing himself on you.”
He pulls back and cups my face. His dark eyes are still glassy, and as he studies my face another tear escapes. I’ve never seen him cry before, and it breaks my damn heart to see it now. Running his thumbs over my cheeks, he gently wipes my own tears away.
“I love you, and nothing you could tell me will change that. If you decide you don’t want to be with me, then I’ll stay in your life as your friend and hope like hell you change your mind one day, but I willnever be with anyone else, because for me, it’s you or nothing. It’s always only ever been you, Alina.”
“But he’s ruined me.”
“No, baby.”
“He’s made me filthy.”
“Never.” He kisses my forehead, keeping my face cupped in his scarred palms. “You are perfect, so fucking perfect, and nothing will ever change that. When I look at you, I don’t see him. I don’t see what he did to you. I see the woman I love more than life itself, the woman I would happily walk through fire to be with, and the woman I refuse to live without.”
“I don’t deserve you,” I whisper.
“You deserve so much better, but I’m afraid you’re stuck with me because I can’t ever let you go.”
“Good,” I whisper, clutching his wrist, “because I don’t want you to let me go.”
He holds me until his phone buzzes on the nightstand. Reaching over, he grabs it and says, “Roman’s awake and doing well and Emily’s contractions have stopped.”
I let out a relieved sigh. “When can he come home?”
“In a couple of days. Dr. Bianchi wants to watch him for a little bit longer just to make sure he’s okay. Lev and Danil are back, though, and I’m assuming Vitaly and Katya are back from whatever the hell they were doing.” He gives me a soft smile and kisses my cheek. “Will you be okay while I take a quick shower?”
“Yeah, I’ll be fine.”
Giving me one more kiss on my cheek, he stands up and grabs some clean clothes. “I’ll be out in just a minute and then we can get some breakfast.”
He waits for me to nod, studying me to make sure I really am okay. When he’s satisfied that I’ll be fine for a few minutes without him, he steps into the bathroom, shutting the door and immediately turning the shower on. Forcing myself up, I head to the closet so I can get dressed and be ready when he finishes. I’ve just pulled on a pair of yoga pantsand one of Matvey’s hoodies when I see the box of presents on one of the shelves.
Curious, I set it down, letting out a soft gasp when I see that my name is written on all of them. My fingers run over the wrapping paper. Some is Christmas themed, some is for birthdays, and there’s even a few that are covered in what has to be Valentine’s Day paper, judging by the hearts all over it in different shades of pink and red. Flipping open one of the small cards that’s taped to the first present, I read what’s written.
Merry Christmas, malishka. There’s never a moment when I’m not thinking of you. I love you and miss you and I’ll never stop looking for you.
