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I don’t know how tattoos work in the human world, never mind the raskarran one, but I find myself curious enough to make a note to ask him.
When he’s done, he lifts his hands to his nose, breathing in slowly. I watch his expression, allowing myself to feel amused at his antics. He’s not Simon, he isn’t going to lose his temper if he catches me smirking at him. I need to relax, trust in him. If I do it in these small moments, then it will be easier in the bigger ones.
Calran gives a nod of approval, although there’s a hint of humour sparkling in his eyes. Then his expression shifts, and he holds out a hand towards me. I place my hand over his, and he grips it lightly, drawing it up to his nose. This time when he breathes in, his eyes close, a look of pleasure crossing his face. The sight of it makes something in my chest flutter, and I can’t decide if it’s fear or something else. Something long buried rising to the surface.
A bit of both, perhaps.
When Calran opens his eyes, he looks directly at me, catching my gaze and holding it. He studies me, reading my reaction to his touch. And I don’t mind it, the touch on its own. It feels intimate, but not overwhelming. But with his eyes on me like that, the sense that he’s watching, judging, I find I can’t help but shy away from him.
I don’t like that I react that way, but there it is.
Calran releases my hand, smiling at me to let me know it’s fine, he doesn’t mind. Of course, that only makes me feel more conflicted about it. He’s being so kind, so patient. I feel like I should be able to give him more of myself already. But the moreI start thinking about what I ‘should’ do, the more the muscles in my back and shoulders start to tighten, and the further away the possibility of ever being normal around him feels.
I need to get out of my own head.
So I do that the only way I know how - I forage for medicines.
There’s no djenti bush in this little clearing, but I still have my supply from earlier, so that’s no problem. I start working my way round the clearing from one edge of the stream, going in a clockwise circle round the edges of the trees, then finish by working my way down the stream. The herbs and roots Shemza uses for healing tend to grow out of the shade of the trees, away from their thirsty roots that suck up all the rainwater. The best place to find healing plants is along a water source, but the stream is only small, its banks not that large, so there isn’t much here. I find a very small nesta plant - too small to harvest anything from it yet - and some geberren roots by the stream. I dig those out with my knife, as it’s always useful to have a supply, and the plant grows fast, spreading quickly and taking over whatever other vegetation there is around it. You never have to feel bad about digging up geberren root - it does the other plant life a favour.
Calran also busies himself digging through his pack. He pulls out some bits of rope and I recognise the snare traps the hunters use to catch smaller prey. He catches my attention, indicating to the snares, before heading out into the trees to set them. The hunting has slowed down a lot since the frantic few days after we arrived at Gregar’s village - when the focus was on trying to ensure there would be enough food to keep an extra fifteen mouths fed - and not just because the supply stores are getting full to bursting. With the rains approaching, a lot of the animals have moved on to other places, the pickings for the hunters rather slim. So I doubt Calran’s traps are going to succeed, but I’m grateful he’s brought them with us. It gives him somethingto do that isn’t about me. It gives me a moment alone to gather myself.
As I look around at the clearing, listening to the bubbling of the stream running over rocks, the sounds of the wind through the trees, I remember those first few days on the beach. Trying to care for Lorna, feeling pretty certain she was going to die no matter what I did. Growing thinner and hungrier with every passing day, always looking at the trees at the edge of the beach with fear. The forest looked so forbidding then. It’s still frightening now. Still home to the merka beasts, with their sharp claws and vicious lashes. But I’m not afraid the way I was back then. It’s a healthy fear, respect more so than terror. And if my outlook on the forest can change so drastically, then maybe my outlook on other things can as well.
When Calran returns, we make dinner together. It’s early to be eating, but the walk has given me an appetite and I think we’re both eager to go to sleep for the night. The lack of shared language between us makes everything more difficult, more awkward. I’m awkward enough when I have words. I’m terrible without them.
But Calran is all patience as he mimes things to me, asking me questions with his hands and his expression. I try to communicate as clearly as he does, speaking words with my body, but I’m not a natural emoter. Too many years of hiding my true feelings, stopping them from ever appearing on my face.
Then the light starts fading, the night rolling in. I look up at the sky overhead, the clouds hiding the stars and moons from view. The air cools off quickly, my skin prickling with gooseflesh. Not something that happens often here in the balmy raskarran forest. Calran notices me trying to rub some warmth into my arms and inclines his head towards the tent.
My heart stutters, fear rising in me even though he’s given me no reason to mistrust him. The tent isn’t large, so evenif we’re sleeping in separate furs, we’re going to be pressed quite close together, and half of me wants to lean into that, to burrow into his warmth and enjoy the feeling of security that I’m sure his arm around me would provide. But the other half keeps continuing on to what could happen after that. If his hand wanders somewhere I don’t want it to.
But I promised him I would try. Not just for him. For me. I don’t want to be afraid of something that could be wonderful between us. I want to give myself a chance to have a mate in every sense. That starts with sleeping in our tent tonight.
I get up, packing away the few things we have out into our bags, before Calran tucks them inside one of the smaller caves, out of the way and protected from the elements. He gestures for me to go ahead of him, and when I hesitate, he touches a hand to my shoulder again. Gives it a gentle squeeze. I take a steadying breath, then head inside, ducking under the low doorway, the fabric falling closed once Calran steps in behind me.
There are two separate piles of furs, made up as far from each other as it’s possible to get them in the small space of the tent. Calran gives me an enquiring look and I smile at him, grateful for his consideration. I take off my boots, my walking socks, then shimmy out of my leggings. My nightclothes are on the pile of furs, and I turn my back to Calran before pulling off my top and changing into them. He doesn’t pay me any attention as I do this, as if he can sense how high the anxiety has ridden in me. As if he knows the weight of his gaze would be enough to tip me over the edge into panic.
When I’m dressed, I turn back to him, see he is already settling down into his own furs. He smiles at me, then closes his eyes, his breathing quickly going slow and even. I lie back, tucking my furs around me, and try to relax enough to drift off.
“I hope the walk was not too much for you,” Calran says as I sit up in the dream tent - so similar to the one we’re actually in, but for the bed at the centre of it.
Calran is once again sat in a chair at the end of the bed, but he stands as he speaks, then gestures to the bed.
“I would lie next to you, if you would permit it?”
My mouth feels dry, but I force myself to nod.
Trust. Building it means taking some chances.
“The walk was fine,” I say, as his weight makes the bedding dip before he shifts so he is lying down. “It’s nice to get out, see more of the forest.”
“And we have the privacy you desired.”
“Yes.”
“Would you lie down also? I swear to you I will not touch you without asking first.”
I’m jittery as I shift, lying back against the bedding. I want to be on my feet, pacing round. Anything to work off this nervous energy. But I hold it in, try to ignore it.
