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Listlessly I pat his chest trying to reassure him. “I-I’m. Okay.” My bruised throat burns but my windpipe isn’t crushed. I’m alive.
In the quietness he holds me. Stillness surrounds us as what happens settles around us like a cloak of darkness. It’s like what my cousin Mimi told me about when her husband came back from deployment. The night terrors. Only with Hisashi hisprotector rose to do his job — protect him and eradicate the threat.
Unsure why I understand as I do other than the sheer volumes of neurodiversity and mental variance, I’ve read about since we first came together and trying to reconcile what happened between us. There is nothing new under the sun and a person’s mind trying to protect him is basic human survival. I knew from the beginning I wasn’t going to try to excuse his actions but understand them.
Eventually he moves away, leaving my body cold losing his heat. He doesn’t go far but watches me as if waiting for me to react.
Screaming, fighting, cowering is all expected I suppose. Instead, I silently watch him as I slowly curl into myself. Watching, waiting to see if his guardian will emerge again.
Our breathing — his hard, labored; mine shallow, featherlike are the only thing breaking the tomb of silence.
Shattered, broken, alone on his knees he’s looking at me like he’s scared to touch me, afraid he’s going to break me, kill me.
“You stopped him, Hisashi.” Gathering the little strength I have, I push my hand forward grazing the long tendons of his.
“Iie.” He snatches his hand away. Looking up to the ceiling of the plane he looks as if he’s praying trying to find strength. “Iie,” whispering hoarsely he bows his long body deep into himself. “Gomen’nasai,” he keens, heavy sobs racking his body.
Long fingers tangle in his hair, clutching like he wants to rip his locks out.
“Stop it. Stop, Hisashi,” pleading I sit up. A wave of dizziness makes me sway. A fit of convulsive coughing shakes me. I try to swallow back the sick rising in my throat only to fail miserably. I’m left a trembling mess by the time the episode is over.
Hisashi picks me up wrapping me in clean covers. Placing me on the sofa I’ve curled in so many times to read, he goes back to pulling the sheets from the bed.
Making quick work of it, he changes the bed replacing the soiled sheets and pillow with fresh new ones. Coming back to me he strips me down to nothing taking my dirty clothes adding them to the pile to be laundered.
“I need to shower, first,” I tell him as he tries to put me to bed. Pivoting he doesn’t hesitate.
Going into the bathroom he manages to start the shower still holding me. Steam fills the space. Still fully clothed he stands me up in front of him in the shower. He bathes me like I’m precious to him. Knowing my words will only bring him pain I just let him. Not bothering to tell him he doesn’t have to be that gentle or slow.
“Can you stand for a sec?” I nod.
Stepping out, he rips off his dripping clothes sweeping me back into his arms. He grabs a few big towels.
Wrapping one around my shoulders he places one on the bed. Wiping away the drops of water with the other he has me dry and warm in seconds.
He leaves and brings back lotion slathering it on my body in quick efficient strokes. By the time he’s done I’m tired. When he reaches my throat, he pauses. His gaze lifts to mine and I see the horror of what he’s done.
Reaching up I grab his hand shaking my head when he tries to pull back. “No, it happened. Neither of us is running this time.” I lift my brows in confirmation.
“Iknowit wasn’t you.” I take his face in my hands. “I know.” My voice is firm. I see the truth in his eyes before any other part of him gives me confirmation. He drops to his knees before me. He buries his head in my lap. “I’m so sorry, Tay-chan.”
“I know.” Stroking his still damp locks, I comfort him realizing for the first time how much in the throes of his illness he must have been the first time we were together and his guardian emerged. How much mental anguish and turmoil he’d experienced from his father’s death.
His strong arms wrap around my waist hugging me to him. Long minutes pass with us like this. This moment with everything stripped away and nothing between us but our merged souls locked in the dance we chose probably before we even entered these forms, we find a semblance of peace.
He moves away his eyes not shying away from me. Still, I can feel the cringe as he glances at my neck as if he can’t help himself.
He moves so he’s behind me on the bed. Covering me with the sheet he uses that as a barrier between us as if he doesn’t deserve to touch me.
It’s well past two a.m. I don’t know how long the ordeal lasted or how long we ended up holding each other but exhaustion crowds my brain and the aftershocks of the traumatic experience we shared drag me ever closer to the bliss of oblivion.
Why I feel comfortable with a man whose guardian attempted to end my life and probably stills wants to try will probably take several dedicated therapy sessions to unpack. Still, in my heart I know Hisashi won’t hurt me. He’s already said as much. And now that he knows his guardian’s intention, he won’t let his guard down. If I know nothing else, I know how hypervigilant he will be going forward.
My body shudders and I realize he’s not holding me. I don’t say anything, just take one of his muscled arms and wrap it around my middle for support, reassurance. I don’t know why I do this, and I don’t take time to figure it out. All I say when he tries to remove himself from me moments later is, “I know itwasn’t you, Hisashi,” bringing him back around me as I begin to drift away in his arms.
Chapter
Sixteen
