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As I sat there, wallowing in doubt and uncertainty, a thought struck me.Jay and I were both going to be at Stanford in the fall.And that I’d kept that from him.How would he feel knowing I’d let him think this was just a meaningless fling for so long?I wondered, not for the first time, if it was best to let Jay go, to save him from all the trauma my family was constantly inflicting on me.I didn’t want to ruin Jay, or to change him the way my mother had changed when she married my father.
I stood up, pacing back and forth in my room as I wrestled with my thoughts, unable to shake the feeling that I’d ruined everything.And now I was hiding in my room, making it worse.
“Fuck,” I whispered as that realization hit.Taking a deep breath, I resolved to apologize to him the moment I saw him again.I would make things right, even if it meant facing the unknown and the possibility of heartbreak.Because despite my fears, one thing was clear: I was irrevocably, undeniably in love with Jay.And I didn’t know what to do about it.
I steeled myself, preparing to face Jay and apologize for my outburst, to explain myself.Leaving my room, I walked through the dimly lit hallway, listening for any hint of where Jay might be.
As I approached my grandfather Kaito’s study, I heard quiet voices.One belonged to Jay, the other was my grandfather’s.I hesitated at the door, my heart pounding in my chest as I tried to make sense of their heated conversation.
“But why can’t Aiden follow his passion?Why can’t he choose his own career?”Jay’s voice was filled with frustration and concern.“He’s so brilliant, and he loves nature so much.He’d make a great scientist, and he deserves the chance to pursue what makes him happy.”
“Enough!”my grandfather’s voice boomed, echoing off the walls of the study.“Aiden values his duty to this family, to our legacy.He has chosen his path and plans to take over the hotel business.He doesn’t want anything else.”
“Seriously?How can you be so stupid?”Jay bit out.“Or have you never asked him?”My heart pounded as I waited for my grandfather’s notorious temper, but when he spoke, his voice was calm and commanding.
“You overstep, young man.You’ve known Aiden for a few months.I’ve known him his entire life, and I know what my grandson wants better than you.His legacy is important to him.”
I could practically hear the anger radiating from my grandfather’s words, and my mind raced as I tried to imagine how this conversation had started.I hadn’t been in my bedroom for that long, had I?Maybe thirty minutes at most.
“Legacy?”Jay spat, defiance lacing every syllable.“Aiden is more than just an heir; he’s a person with dreams and desires.If you really cared about him, you’d see that.”
My grandfather’s furious retort was lost on me, drowned out by the sudden rush of blood in my ears.I couldn’t believe what I was hearing—Jay standing up to my grandfather, defending me and my right to choose my path in life.It was both terrifying and exhilarating, the kind of grand romantic gesture I had dreamed of but never dared hope for.
Yet, as I stood there, rooted to the spot, something inside me snapped.I realized that despite Jay’s passionate defense, there was still so much uncertainty between us — about our feelings, our future, and what it all meant.I flung open the door to the study and both Jay and my grandfather turned to look at me, their expressions a mixture of surprise and anger.
“What is this?”I asked.“You two are deciding my future for me?”
Jay blinked, then smiled, adorably sheepish, his eyes skimming over my face, searching for something.“Sorry.I got a little carried away.”
“Jay,” I began, swallowing hard as I tried to force down the emotions choking me.“I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but this isn’t your fight.This is between me and my family.”
“Is that really how you feel?”Jay asked, his voice soft and pained.The hurt in his eyes was like a dagger to my heart, but I couldn’t bring myself to say what I truly felt, to admit just how much his support meant to me.“I was on my way to come talk to you.Your grandfather cornered me, and I didn’t mean to get into it with him.”
“Maybe you should have come to me instead of confronting my family,” I snapped.
“I thought…”
“Please,” I whispered, unable to meet his gaze any longer.“Just let it go.This was all a mistake.”
“All of it?”he asked, blinking.“Everything you said?”
I nodded.He stared at me for a moment, then swallowed hard and nodded, his eyes bright and shiny.“I’ll call an Uber back to camp.I know Ben is going to be there all break, so I won’t be alone.”
As I watched Jay turn and walk away from me, I felt myself shutting down, retreating behind an emotional wall I had built years ago to protect myself from the pain of rejection and disappointment.It was easier that way, safer than allowing myself to hope for something more—something that might never be.
And as I stood there, staring at the closed door through which Jay had vanished, I couldn’t help but wonder if I had made the biggest mistake of my life.
But saving Jay from this bullshit was more important, wasn’t it?
thirty-four
Jay
Thecoldnightairseeped through the cabin walls, chilling me to the bone as I lay on our bed, alone.Surrounded by his scent, I couldn’t help but worry about Aiden.
He loved me.Had he just said that to piss his family off?It hadn’t seemed so at the time.
But then he’d backpedaled, furious with me for interfering.I wondered how I could have treated the situation better, but I couldn’t think of a way.When Aiden’s grandfather had pulled me into his study and started lecturing me, I’d barely held on to my temper.After all, how could he claim to worry so much about Aiden’s future and what Aiden needed when he didn’t even seem to know what Aiden wanted?
