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I wave toward the line and smile guiltily, and he surprises me by saying softly, “I don’t believe I have ever waited in line for anything and, to be honest, I’d wait here all day if it meant I was holding your hand.”
My heart beats a little faster as we make it to the front and select our preferred hot dog and I bite into my food and groan.
“Wow, this is so good.”
Mikhail rolls his eyes. “You get that much pleasure from this. Don’t let my chef hear you.”
“It’s different.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s outdoors.”
“We can eat outdoors on my terrace.” He replies with a roll of his eye, and I shake my head. “No, Mikhail. Today we don’t have money. We don’t have private chefs or waiters, assistants or men who would jump in front of us and take a bullet. Today we are normal people doing something that costs nothing but time.”
“And ten dollars for two hot dogs.”
“You can afford it.”
I take another bite of my hot dog and when I finish my mouthful, I say with meaning. “Thank you.”
“Anything for you, Lilli, up to a point, that is.”
“It’s okay, I’m getting the picture.” I say with a deep sigh, and I watch a couple passing us hand in hand. They smile and say ‘hi’ and as we return the greeting, I watch them walk away with their arms slung around one another.
I want that. I want to know that I’m loved, not obsessed over. I say nothing though, because Mikhail would probably malfunction at the mere mention of the word love. I’m not sure it will ever feature in his vocabulary, and yet he is also staring after the couple with a thoughtful gleam in his eyes and I wonder what he’s thinking?
CHAPTER 47
MIKHAIL
When I left Burning Roses, I had one thing on my mind, and it strangely wasn’t my father or the woman he was seeing. It was Lilli. I couldn’t stop thinking about her. When Marsha handed me the file and I stared at the woman my father was apparently obsessed with, it made me look at things differently. He was a married man and yet he was meeting this woman at private parties. For what? I still don’t understand, and yet he was obviously hiding it from everyone who knew him.
Anonymity is the most sacrosanct part of my business, and it works both ways.
Perhaps that was why they met up at these things. To give them a valid reason, knowing their secret would be safe.
I pictured Reggie in that world, frightened and alone, and Lilli’s words came back to me. The other Iris’s had a choice, whereas Mickey made Reggie’s for her. If Lilli wasn’t with me, she would still be in that world and would probably end up as Iris Mahoney one day, anyway.
I hated the thought of Lilli anywhere but with me, and I suppose that was when I made my decision.
I am not letting her go — ever. But I’m not going to force her to stay. I am going to show her what being with me involves. What staying will involve and in my own fucked–up way, I am trying hard to do that.
The walk in the park was the first step to testing out a life that I’m discovering is not so bad after all. Would it be so difficult to allow my heart to open a little so she can edge inside?
The past few days have demonstrated how good it is to share. To be with somebody you care about and love waking up beside them every day.
I am going to have my work cut out if I’m going to persuade her and I already know it won’t be because of my money. Lilli isn’t fussed about that. Kindness, compassion, and love. That is what she’s hoping for, and I suppose deep down, so am I.
We walk for the next two hours, holding hands, making out on park benches, and laughing at the little things. A couple arguing, another one laughing. Two women pushing strollers and talking while their older kids play ahead. There was the elderly couple holding hands and smiling into one another’s eyes, which makes me think of my own parents and I’m not sure if I ever saw them holding hands. Come to think of it, they never smiled much either, and both appeared to have their roles in our family that didn’t appear to include one another.
“You’re thoughtful, Mikhail.”
Lilli whispers as she grips my hand tightly as we make our way back to the apartment.
The crowds are still with us, but I have ceased to be concerned about them as I relax in unfamiliar surroundings.
“I was thinking about that elderly couple in the park.”
