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He forgot to mention my heart, but maybe he doesn’t realize he has that too.
I messaged him back after that, asking if there were notes on the pad. Clearly it was a ploy to engage me since it was blank.
I fight the urge to check the new message. My stomach churns, and I clench my fists, willing myself to stay strong. My phone buzzes again, and all my strength is gone. I want words I’ll never hear from him, but it doesn’t seem to stop me from looking for them.
I’m leaving for New York at the end of next week. Can I see you before I go?
I drop to the floor, wishing I could throw my phone, wishing I had words and that backbone of steel I need when it comes to Griffin. But I don’t. I want to see him so badly. My heart aches, my body aches. Even my soul aches. I miss him so much. “Nev!” I yell. “I need you!”
My sister has never been the most reliable person. She can’t hold a job or a boyfriend for more than a few months, and she always plays it off like she doesn’t give a shit, but she does. She’s broken, and I don’t know why. But now, when I’m falling apart, she steps up in a way she never has before.
The patter of her feet down the hall is soothing. I know she’ll save me from myself. I stare at the words on the screen, but I don’t make a move to respond. Instead, when Nev appears at the door, I hold out the phone. “He wants to see me before he goes.”
“Motherfucker.” She snatches the phone from my hand. “What do you want?”
“I need him to stop. It hurts too much. Why won’t he let me go?” My heart feels like it’s turned to sawdust in my chest. My emotions are raw, and I can’t even take a full breath. I wonder if this is what dying feels like.
Nev drops into a crouch and wraps her arms around me. “Don’t worry, Cosy, I’ll take care of it.”
She presses her lips against my crown like a mother would do to a sick child then stalks out of my room. I hear the door slam a few seconds later, cutting off Nev’s greeting, which starts with, “Fuck you, you fucker.”
I war with the desire to hear his voice and the self-preservation instinct to avoid him. A few minutes later, Nev drops down beside me and folds me in her arms. “He’s sorry and he won’t call again.”
I should be relieved, but all I feel is desolate and lost.
* * *
“This is going to be so awesome for you. Especially since you’ve already handed in the V-Card, so now you can screw for fun and you don’t need to deal with emotional attachment and all that bullshit,” Nev says as she puffs on her e-cigarette. Today it smells like watermelon.
“Not helpful, but thanks.”
She gives my shoulder a squeeze. “I know it’s hard, but this is good. You can get away from all the reminders. I’ll hold down your job at STW while you’re gone and make sure your apartment is taken care of.”
“Try to vacuum once a week.”
“Will do. This is good, Cosy. You’re doing all the right things,” she assures me.
Aside from the watermelon vape scent, I’m glad my sister came on the over five-hour drive all the way to the port in Long Beach; otherwise, it would’ve been a sucky trip on my own. I pull into the parking lot and find a spot. The ship is massive, bigger than anything I’ve ever seen before. It’s quite literally a floating hotel. And I’m going to spend the next six weeks on it, devoid of all contact with the outside world apart from the stops at port.
“When will it feel less like I’m dying?”
Nev fingers my braid and won’t look me in the eye. This is the moment I know my heart is broken beyond repair. Nev always has a snappy comeback.
“I don’t know.”
“What happened to you?” It’s a loaded question to drop before I leave for six weeks, but my sister is the kind of person to usher you out the door and tell you she has a bounty on her head thanks to the mob—true or not, it’s some freaky shit.
“I fell in love with someone who couldn’t ever love me back. Don’t be stupid like me, Cosy. Take this time away to get over him and move on. There’s someone better out there for you.”
“What if there isn’t?”
“There has to be. You’re too good not to be loved.”
“So are you.”
She smiles sadly and unclips her seat belt. “Come on, let’s get your new adventure started.”
I miss her already.
And I miss Griffin even more.Chapter Nineteen: Company Meet Misery
