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North released another growl but remained where I wanted him. “Fuck,” he said. He met my eyes. “We can’t ... Sang Baby... please.”
But I lowered my head further. My hands felt for a soft spot on his chest. I dropped my lips to kiss at the spot.
“Baby,” he called, his hands surrounding me, his fingers threading through my hair.
I parted my teeth, biting down.
For a moment, North sucked in a breath, holding it. His hands at my head grasped me so hard, it felt like he was trying to bury me into him. His hips gyrated up, the same fleshy hardness at his groin struck up right against my pelvic bone.
I had a fleeting moment of knowing what this was, but I was concentrating on not biting him too hard, and trying to show him how I felt.
North sat up sharply. He pushed me off, getting up quickly until his feet were on the floor, his back turned to me.
I fell back against the bed, surprised at how he had pushed me away, surprised at myself for going so far. I’d just bit his chest. I didn’t even know if that was okay. What was wrong with me?
North swallowed heavily, his breathing ragged. He raked fingers through his hair again and again. “Baby, you can’t do that.”
“It hurt? I’m sorry.” I became angry with myself. It was stupid! I’d made a mistake. I’d hurt him.
“No,” he said, squashing my thoughts. “You can’t push a man that far. There comes a point to where you aren’t able to stop.”
“Stop what?” I asked.
He dipped his head, pushing a palm to his eye. He stood up, marched over to the bathroom and slammed the door closed.
I sat up, puzzled. A sudden wave of loneliness and anger swept over me. Emotion lumped into my throat. North had been so close to kissing me, and he up and left.
I fell back into the bed, tears stinging my face. I found a pillow, shoving it against my cheeks and bit at the cloth, trying to force out the frustration. He’d shown me how far he could go, how far the Academy would allow. I wanted to know, and then I hated knowing.
Academy boys couldn’t kiss me. Could they kiss anyone? Why did North ever talk about our first kiss? Why did Luke? The others seemed to want to, but never did. What did it mean? Couples kissed. They did it so easily. Sometimes I’d heard of girls who had just met a guy, gone out with him one night, kissed him, made out with him. For so long I thought the boys wanted me as a friend, and in small ways they drew me in closer until I thought they wanted more.
Whatever rule prevented them from kissing me, I wanted to know why. I bit back my own tears, smothering them into the pillow. I thought of how he’d dodged answering whether he wanted me for his girlfriend or not. Mr. Blackbourne had said something about their special section in the Academy, and how dating was difficult for them. Was this all part of it?
In that moment, I hated the Academy. I hated what it had done for me. I wanted North to come back. I wanted to break the rules. I supposed there wasn’t probably a rule about biting, or kissing on the cheek. I’d done those things to them. They’d returned it, but stopped when it came to kissing or getting much closer. Biting was allowed but I wondered if it was because perhaps they never thought biting would happen, and he’d discovered he liked it. Kota’s nuzzling me was allowed. Kissing wasn’t.
Not on the mouth.
Not with me.
And perhaps that was why we could only pretend to date. We could only pretend to be going out. It couldn’t be real because the Academy said we couldn’t. North was being indirect, specifically not answering me because he couldn’t and maybe didn’t want to hurt me.
When I couldn’t breathe against the pillow, I dropped it back onto the bed, glaring up at the ceiling. For a brief moment, I thought maybe I should back off from the guys. My whole world was crazy, complicated, ever since they walked in. They’d saved my life so many times, and I would be forever grateful to them. Now when I was feeling so close, they pushed me away.
No kissing.
No dating.
No Academy boyfriend. Not for real.
Only, as I thought about what it would be like to be without them, I couldn’t imagine it. What if my parents came back, and we went back to the routine we’d lived before? Could I ever look at my mother again, seeing those eyes that never saw me, knowing she loathed that I existed? Could I ever listen to her demands again and take them seriously?
Could I ever live a day without hearing from the boys? They were my world now. My heart ached at the thought of North being in the bathroom now, without me. I wanted him back. I wanted Kota. I missed Nathan, and Silas, and Gabriel, and Luke ... everyone. All of them. I wanted North, but I felt a million miles away from the other only people who made me feel alive and wanted.
I turned over, curling up in the bed, repositioning the pillow. My brain couldn’t process this horrible mess I was in any more. I cared about them, I knew that much. Other words tripped over my tongue about how I felt, but I wouldn’t let myself formulate those thoughts. They were too scary.
I was barely awake when North returned. He sank into the bed next to me. He tucked the covers around me before settling in.
I sank deeper into the pillow. I think I mumbled his name. I felt a kiss on my forehead, and then I felt nothing.
PEEK-A-BOO
A vibration sound woke me, plastic clattering against wood. My eyelids were heavy, and my body felt like elephants had trampled me while I slept.
I sensed movement next to me. My eyelids opened into tiny slits. North had his head picked up off the pillow, g
lancing at something.
“Sang,” he grumbled in a low gruff voice, deep and thick with sleep.
“Mmm.” It was all I could muster.
“Phone’s for you.”
I sucked in some air through my nose and pressed against the bed, rising slowly until I was kneeling. My eyes fell over the hotel room, the sensation of not knowing where I was sweeping through me quickly. I shook it off and climbed over North to reach for my phone on the nightstand.
North turned as I pushed on him. He drew the blanket up over his head.
I pushed the buttons to find that Gabriel had called twice. I sighed. I missed him, too.
I knee-walked to the edge of the bed as I pushed the button to return the phone call.
Gabriel answered after a half ring. “Where the hell are you?”
I sucked in the morning air, stretching as I glanced around the hotel room. “We didn’t leave the state ... I don’t think.”
North chuckled underneath the blanket.
“Are you coming back or what?” Gabriel asked.
“Where are you?” I asked.
“At your house,” he said. “Victor and I stayed to help clean up this shit. Nathan got called in because North isn’t at the diner when he was supposed to be, and Kota’s got to go in for Academy because of last night and you’re not even here.”
“Oh,” I said. I knew I should feel like going back, but I was so tired, I just wanted to crawl back into bed. I thought even if I did come back, I’d want to sleep. I yawned, trying to talk at the same time. “How bad is it?”
“I hope you wanted new paint in the living room, because that’s happening.”
I couldn’t imagine what the people did to my walls that would require painting. “Everyone is okay though, right?”
“Marie’s in her room and hasn’t come out yet. Danielle’s up there with her. The little vixens aren’t lifting a finger.”
“Tell him to fuck off,” North said, grunting but not moving.
“Was that North?” Gabriel asked. “Tell him to get your ass back here.”
I stepped away from North toward the window. The heavy curtain made it deceptively dark. I pushed aside the curtain a little, just to peek outside.
