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Nathan drew me up. I was dizzy for a moment as he shifted me. I closed my eyes, and when he finally settled, I found myself tucked into his lap while he sat on the couch. He cuddled me in his strong arms. He kissed my forehead gently.
“I don’t hate you, either,” he said. “I want my little mermaid Peanut to go out to dinner with me, to see a movie she wants to see, and make out in the back row like we were meant to. I want my Peanut to smile when she kisses me. Not crying. Not after what Jade did.”
I trembled at the thought of Jade. I snuggled into him, finding comfort in burying my face into his shoulder. “I don’t want to go to school anymore.”
“We have to go to school, sweetie.”
“I don’t want to.” I rubbed at my body, at places where no matter how hard I rubbed, I couldn’t stop the images. “I can’t make it stop. I can’t...”
“I know,” he said. He brushed some strands of hair away. “You keep feeling it, don’t you? Her hands? Where she touched you?”
I swallowed a thick wad of emotion, nodding into his shoulder. It was true. Every moment I wasn’t fighting it back, I felt Jade’s fingers between my legs. I felt her ripping my bra. I felt her lips on mine. I wanted to run hot water over myself, to scrub away all feeling. A creeping sensation swept over my spine, and all I wanted to do was to tear my skin apart, to not feel it anymore. “I want it to go away.”
“I’m so sorry, Sang.” He swallowed, too, and when he pressed his cheek to my forehead, I felt something wet. A fresh tear traced from his face, and blended with mine along my skin. “I tried to keep you safe. After McCoy disappeared, I never thought anyone else would touch you.” He sighed heavily, his hot breath against my skin. “But it’ll get better. I swear it. You may not know now but...”
“How do you know?” I asked, the drugs making me blurt the question I never would have asked on my own.
He was quiet for a long time, to the point that my loopy mind didn’t even recall asking him anything. His palms pressed into my back, drawing me in so tightly that I found it hard to breathe. “My mother was sexually abused by her father growing up. She buried it, and she married my father who abused her, too. She used to tell me she could still feel them, even if they weren’t around. Every hit. Every touch. And then one day she found the courage to walk out.”
My breathing slowed, listening to him. “She left you...” I said, trying to understand why this sounded like a good thing to him.
“I wanted to hate her for so long. She left me with someone who would do the things he did. But I try to understand it. She broke away from everything to stop it. That’s the point. She found her way to break out of it.”
“I don’t want to leave you,” I cried. This was the worst ever. I shoved my face so hard into his shoulder, and gripped at his shirt until one of the buttons popped. “I wish everyone would stop telling me I’ll leave.”
“No, Peanut...” He pulled back so he could face me. He dropped his head until his forehead touched mine. “Look at me, sweetie. You’re staying with me. Sorry, I don’t know how to explain it. I mean maybe you’ll not forget, but it gets easier. Remember how my dad used to beat up on me?”
“He still does that,” I said.
He swallowed. “Yeah. Yeah, he still does it. But do you see how I’ve changed? He used to hit me and I hated it, but I got past it. Now I pity him. You’ll do the same thing. You’ll hate her for a long time, but I know you. You bounce back.”
“Nathan...”
“I’ve worked too hard to get that smile looking like I want, to let it all go to pieces now.” He gripped harder along my body, at my back and side as he held me close. His voice became raspy and a growl echoed on every last syllable. “You’re so much better than they are. You’re so sweet and caring and I want to save that piece of you. Who you are. I don’t want you to turn into an empty shell like my mother was, or change into something worse.”
I wanted to hang onto those words. I wanted to promise I wouldn’t.
I couldn’t stop staring at his handsome face. Even through his tears and the concern, through the darkened blue, those serious eyes. This was Nathan. The silent ninja. He’d saved me so many times.
And even now, he was trying to save me. From others. From myself.
The answer to that was something I felt stirring inside me. Urges swept just under the surface, seeking out a release.
I kissed his cheek.
“Peanut,” he said softly. He gripped me tighter, but he didn’t stop me.
I couldn’t find the right words to tell him what I needed, so I went with trying to show him. I kissed along his cheek, toward his ear. Memories swept through me, of Luke, of other boys. I did what they did. I parted my lips, suckling at sections of skin. The soft part of the inside of my lip made contact with rough, unshaven parts along his jaw. I grazed my teeth against his skin.
“Sang,” he said a little louder. “Don’t ask me to do this now.”
But his hands betrayed him, gripping tighter along my body. Massaging. Cupping around my waist, sliding up my side.
I moaned. His touch eased the images from me. A temporary reprieve. Every little move of his hands tucked back every thought, until I was only focused on him.
I lowered my lips along his neck, kissing and suckling my way along.
“Sang,” he whispered, and while the start of my name sounded like a warning to stop, the ending was a plea to keep going.
I found a tender spot close to his ear, kissed it softly because I knew what I wanted to do next.
I bit.
When my teeth sank into his skin, there was a pause. His hands stopped, his breath stopped. I knew it would be a shock. It was to me, too.
Before I could let go, he ripped away from me dropping me onto the couch as he grabbed at his neck.
“Sang!” his voice nearly echoed in the room. “What the hell?” He clutched at his neck, confusion in his eyes.
“What’s wrong?” I asked. Maybe it was too surprising.
“You bit me,” he said. He rubbed at the spot. “Fucking shit, that hurt!”
“It does?” My heart stilled, stunned. He didn’t like it.
“Of course it does.” He grunted and felt around the spot where I’d bitten him. “This is why we shouldn’t do this now. That shit is messing with your head. You can’t control yourself.”
I stared at him, slack-jawed. My messed-up head was trying to put the pieces together, because it didn’t fit with my memory. North liked it. Gabriel said he liked it. I liked it, too. Now, Nathan was telling me biting was wrong.
I folded into myself, pulling away from him. Fresh tears stung my eyes, and my body convulsed into sobs. I shoved my hands into my face to hide.
“Aw sweetie,” he said. He tried tugging at my arm to get me to pull back but I held firm. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t... you...”
“You hate me.”
“I don’t hate you, Sang,” he said, his voice strained. “Sweetie.”
I yanked myself from him, pulling away to sit on the arm of the couch, trying to get out of his reach. A wave of dizziness swept over me.
“Peanut,” he said, reaching for me again. “Get down from there. You’re going to fall.”
I shook my head and put a foot on his chest to push him off. “No.”
“Please?” he asked.
I shook my head again, harder this time. It felt stupid but communication was hard. I used my tears as moisture to wipe at the makeup on my neck.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m showing you,” I said. I concentrated on a spot that still felt sore.
His serious blue eyes squinted at my face and then lowered to the spot I was rubbing at. His rust
-colored eyebrows furrowed. He reached out again toward my hands, trying to tug them out of the way. “What is that?”
I let him this time, hoping enough of the makeup had been removed and that I picked the right spot. “Bites,” I said.
His lips parted, and his teeth and tongue moved like he was saying something but not out loud.
He got up, disappearing into the kitchen. I sank onto the couch, sprawling out on my back. Staring at the ceiling was easier.
I thought I fell asleep with my eyes open. Nathan reappeared with a washcloth. He frowned down at me and then applied the cloth to my neck.
I was as still as a rag doll, letting him move me where he wanted.
“Holy shit,” he said. He rubbed harder. It felt good, cleansing. Maybe that’s what I needed. I needed to scrub Jade and everything away. It was a strange thought to hold on to. Nathan’s eyes locking with mine drew me back to him. “Who did this?”
“North,” I said. “And Gabriel some of it.”
“They bit you?”
“North bit me,” I said. “Gabriel just kissed me. No one kissed me on the mouth.” It all was coming out. Everything I needed to tell someone. I wasn’t holding back any more. Mr. Blackbourne would be proud. “Dr. Green kissed me on the mouth. He didn’t bite. I think Luke was going to kiss me, but he just kissed me on the face. North bit me. Victor kisses my cheek. Silas wanted to kiss me, I think. He wanted to kiss me in the closet. And so did Luke. But not the same closet. Kota said he shouldn’t kiss me and then he kissed my eyebrows. And my fingers.” It was a long list to go through. Was I missing someone? What a list! I tried counting on my fingers and lost track. “Rocky kissed my neck. But I don’t like him. And then Silas beat him up.”
And every comment I made, the more Nathan’s jaw clenched. His hand gripped my arm. “They shouldn’t have done that,” he said. His eyes narrowed. His voice was deep, and he spoke through his teeth at me. “This is bullshit. They all promised.”
He was angry? I didn’t want him to be angry. I wanted him to tell me what I was supposed to do. “I bit North first. I didn’t mean to but then he liked it so he bit me back.”
