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His eyes, however, lit up into a tender flame, breathing, alive, but frail somehow.
Suddenly, he stood up, the keys stilled without him playing. He paced the floor behind the piano bench. His fingers twisted into his brown, wavy hair, tugging. “It’s horrible, Sang,” he said. “The plan, I want to. I mean, I would rather do that. Really. When it boils down, I want what Mr. Blackbourne is suggesting. It’s not my gut reaction when I think of it, though. My first instinct, every time, is to ask you to come with me. Just me.”
“Where?” I asked quietly.
His hands reached out to me, open, palms up. “Anywhere,” he said, his tone desperate. “France, Italy... Everywhere. Anywhere you wanted.” He slowly pulled his arms in, until he’d folded them over his stomach. “I tell myself it’s how I’d get you away from this crazy life. Like McCoy. Or your parents. Only that’s not completely true.”
I waited quietly, my heart beating so loud in my ears, I was sure he heard it, too. I pulled my arms in slightly, inside the big shirt of Silas’s, to warm myself in it. I clenched my jaw to keep myself from saying anything to stop him.
“I’m no better than Gabriel,” he said, remaining still now, standing over me with his arms crossed. “I secretly think if I pull you away from the rest of the group, that somehow...it’ll change how you feel about me. That maybe you’d like me better.”
“Victor,” I said, wanting to find words to convince him that liking him better wasn’t going to work. I cared about him. I cared about Gabriel. It hurt thinking I could wound them just by sharing affection or smiling at the others. “I don’t want to make anyone else mad.”
“You can’t control people’s feelings,” he said. He unfolded his arms and moved to sit on the bench, turning his body toward me. “We aren’t trying to. We can’t do that to you. Mr. Blackbourne repeats it constantly. We can only see where your heart is when we’re showing you who we really are. The only person who can make this decision, really, is you.”
“It’s your choice, too,” I said. It seemed wrong that I had the burden of making the decision for the rest of them.
“Yeah,” he said and shifted to look at the keys on the piano. The flame in his eyes flickering. “We all have a choice to make. And you might change your mind later, anyway.”
“Victor...” I couldn’t imagine choosing now, let alone thinking I might change things down the road.
“All we have is now,” he said quietly. He turned more until he was upright like before, his hands moving to the keys. He started playing again, the same meadow and sunshine song like before, picking it up where he left off, like he couldn’t start playing a song without finishing it. “Maybe we’re all idiots. Maybe North is delusional about this working out. All I know is, I care about them, and I care about you. I just never thought it was possible...”
“Lily did it,” I said. “I don’t know how they managed.”
He picked his head up, looking at me, not needing to look at the keys as he continued playing. “What was it like there?” he asked.
“She had a library,” I said. “On the mantel, was a set of pictures. It was her and the four other men that lived in the house. The house was out in the woods, hidden from view from neighbors. They live together.”
“All in the same house?” he asked.
I nodded. “It was big enough, possibly big enough for more people. I only saw part of the downstairs.”
He pushed at a few keys that were near me, until his arm brushed near mine. In some way, it reminded me I could touch him. I leaned a bit into him as he played, seeking out warmth, like the fire in his eyes could spread toward me.
“Were they happy?”
“They keep the outside world out,” I said quietly. “They talked to us, but I don’t think they get many visitors. She seemed happy.”
“But they were in a bubble,” Victor said.
I nodded. It was that isolation that made it feel like a fantasy world. I hadn’t realized it until now. It felt like a dream, too unrealistic to replicate.
Victor smiled, tilting his head until his cheek rested on the top of my head, nestled in my hair as he continued to play. “I know how much you love being in a bubble.”
“I didn’t dislike it,” I said. “When I was sitting in the library, I couldn’t help picturing us like that.”
He got to the end of his song and the keys stilled on the last note. He remained quiet until the note faded. “Sang,” he said softly.
“It’s not normal, Victor,” I said in the same soft tone. “It’s why they hide away. It’s why their house looks scary on the outside. To keep other people out.”
He turned toward me, and I pulled myself away to look at him, at his eyes, the flames now burning much brighter than before.
“It wasn’t enough to scare you away,” he said. “And you felt comfortable there?”
I nodded. “I was a little scared at first.”
“I live in a house where I can’t step outside without the world watching,” he said, his head low and so close that I felt a wisp of his breath across my skin as he spoke. “But the only opinions I care to hear about come from you. And the others.”
“The Academy...they won’t understand,” I said, which was part of what we were worried about. Even if we did manage to make it work, we’d have to convince them. We couldn’t just hide ourselves away.
“The Academy did once. Lily did it,” he said. “And the Academy will accept it, but only if we’re happy with it.”
“They’ll want me to join another team.”
He reached out, putting his arms around my shoulders, pulling me in.
I slid my head down against his shoulder, breathing in the fading moss and berries scent that was his.
“They only want what will make you happy,” he said. “You have to remember that. The Academy isn’t made up of bad guys telling us what to do. That’s not what they’re about.”
“Then why would they ask me to?” I asked. “Lily said they would.”
“It’s complicated,” he said. “It’s a forest for the trees point of view they’ve got. We’ve got the inside view, but they’ve got the outside view. But their goals are to make sure we’re happy when we’re together. So we’ll hang on to each other and stick together. It’s the only way a team really works, when we’re all happy with every part. Ours is a bigger team than most as it is, so they’re very careful with us.”
“So I’ve got to prov
e to them that we need to stay together?”
“You don’t have to prove it. You just have to believe it.”
“I don’t understand.”
He pulled back and this time he cupped my face in his hands. His eyes blazed as he gazed at me, the fire drawing my attention. His thumb traced my cheek. “You said you wanted what she had?”
I started to nod, but his hands kept me still. “Yes,” I said quietly. “But it feels like I shouldn’t. Like it’s selfish...”
“What if I wanted it, too?” he asked. “What if we all did?”
I wanted to answer, but couldn’t. My teeth clenched. I drew my lip in and bit it gently.
His eyes drifted down to my mouth. “You can’t control how we feel,” he said quietly. “You just have to be honest with what you want...with how you feel...” His voice drifted, like the song he played, slowly fading.
My heart was in my throat, beating the tiniest thumps. My breath stilled. I think I whispered his name, but the sound never reached my ears.
His head drifted closer.
I instinctively closed my eyes.
His fingers slid over the base of my head, like sliding across the keys, tilting my head slightly toward him.
His lips fell against my mouth.
We were still for the longest moment. I kept expecting him to move his mouth like Dr. Green...like Silas...like Gabriel.
He puckered slightly, but that was it. Gentle. Treading softly.
Like he needed to know it was okay.
I summoned up courage, and opened my lips slightly, pushing myself into the kiss. I did it like Dr. Green did before. Easy.
At first, Victor was stiff. But then slowly, and just as I started to pull back, he started to respond. He mimicked what I did.
I wondered if he’d ever kissed anyone before. It hadn’t occurred to me until that moment that maybe I wasn’t the only one who hadn’t been kissed before. We were all the same age, but somehow it felt like the others were more experienced.
I held onto the thought, and then slowly, like Silas had shown me, I moved my head a bit and opened my mouth.
Victor responded quickly this time. My arms moved up, around his neck. His hands dropped down to my waist, pulling me in closer.
