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I thanked Liam. He told me to keep in touch. It was sweet of him to try to help. No wonder Lily liked him.
Worried about how much time I had, I tried once more to reach Gabriel. It was hard to come up with something. What about the issue with Mr. Blackbourne wanting background information on my real mother? He seemed supportive of my decision. He already knew about it.
Was I lying to him if I brought it up as a current concern? I hadn’t forgotten and it was in the back of my mind to deal with. Still, maybe he would see it as something I needed help with.
Sang: Remember yesterday when I told you about Mr. Blackbourne asking me to talk to my stepmother and find out about my real mother?
I sent this along, and then sucked in a breath. I held it. I needed to write the next line. Liam said I needed to break. I was urging myself to do it. I forced my fingers to move, even as the rest of my body stiffened, unwilling.
Sang: I’m scared to look for her. What if we find out I’ve got grandparents? What if they want me to live with them? How could I say no?
Tears welled up in my eyes. My fingers hovered over the phone. I really was breaking. I was showing him all my fears. It felt wrong to dump it on him, especially when he was struggling with his own thoughts.
It was honest, though. I needed to talk to someone. If I trusted him with my own deep concerns, perhaps he’d talk to me.
Sang: What if my father really did rape her? Do I really want to know?
Sang: If she killed herself, she didn’t love me enough to live for me. Left me with a man who might have raped her, a stepmom who didn’t want me.
I couldn’t type any more. I was breaking down in the bathroom. I shoved a palm to my mouth, horrified at the way my thoughts spilled from me. It was all the thoughts I had buried, shelving them until I had time to examine things logically, not all in a heap and dramatic mess.
Maybe he really was grumpy and just tired. Now I was dumping all this on him. He’d wonder why I was doing this right now. He might see right through it. Liam had encouraged me to do it. I couldn’t tell him about that, though. He might not understand. I’d have to delete these messages, too.
That hurt, too. Keeping secrets from Gabriel. Maybe I could tell him one day that Liam helped us. I didn’t like feeling like I was trying to manipulate Gabriel’s feelings.
We can’t control other people’s feelings. Mr. Blackbourne had said that. Maybe that wasn’t true. Here I was, trying to do anything to pull Gabriel out of his thoughts and think of something else.
Break. Guys want to fix things.
The phone buzzed in my hands, and the vibration scared me out of my deep, distracted thoughts. I dropped the phone and it clattered to the floor.
I clapped my palm against my heart, trying to still it. I cringed at the sight of his phone on the floor. I eased over, picking it up delicately.
Being delicate now wasn’t going to help. I had cracked the screen, just like I’d done to mine the day before.
Angry with myself, I put the phone down. Tears trailed along my cheeks. Crying out wasn’t an option, no matter how much I felt like it. How could I break his phone after already doing so much to him? I tore off some tissue paper, and while I meant to wipe at my face, instead I tore the paper tearing it into a thousand tiny pieces and dropped them to the floor. It was dispelling the angry energy inside of me before I destroyed anything else or screamed to vent my frustrations.
I shoved my palms into my eyes, trying to calm myself. I couldn’t do this. Breaking was too difficult and made me a mess. I sniffed hard, trying to control myself. I shoved the thoughts back. Liam meant well, or maybe I’d tried doing the wrong thing. Maybe he didn’t realize I was this breakable.
I picked up the phone again, gritting my teeth at the sight of the cracked screen. Maybe I could get someone to fix it before Gabriel found out. It wasn’t as bad as mine. Maybe I shouldn’t be holding on to cell phones. I broke a lot of them.
I delicately turned the screen on. It still worked.
Gabriel had sent a message. I hesitated to read it. Would he see through what I’d done? Would he be annoyed that I was trying to get his attention by being upset by something else?
Gabriel: Where are you?
That was it. I was confused by what he was asking. Had they not told him the plan?
Sang: Kota has me at a hotel. The others are showing up soon.
Gabriel: Is Kota nearby?
Again, I was confused. At least he was talking to me. Liam put me on a path. I had to follow through. I kept going.
Sang: He’s taking a nap. I’m in the bathroom. I couldn’t stop worrying about things. I know you’re busy.
Sang: I’m sorry. I didn’t know who else to talk to.
It wasn’t like I had told Kota about my real mother and the issues I was having. No one but Gabriel knew how I really felt about it.
Time passed. I’d been in the bathroom for a while. I listened out for Kota, wondering if he was still asleep. I hoped he was, but I’d have to leave the bathroom soon.
Gabriel: Sometimes I think if my mom had just divorced my dad, my mom and my little brother would still be alive.
Gabriel: Or maybe if I’d been like Dr. Green and never knew my real mother it’s be better. I’d probably be like you.
Gabriel: I sometimes wish I hadn’t known her so I wouldn’t be angry about it.
Tears flowed freely now. My nose dripped. My hands shook as I held onto the phone. I read his messages over and over. Poor Gabriel. He’d lost so many people. His mother, someone he actually cared about and remembered. He lost his brother, too.
This was bad and wasn’t fair to do to him. I was dragging Gabriel down into dire thoughts when he was already tired and cranky. I appreciated knowing his feelings, and I wanted to hug him and talk to him about this, but this wasn’t the right time, was it?
He was talking to me though. Connecting. Mr. Blackbourne said get him on my team, and he’d be a strong advocate. I wanted to be on Gabriel’s team. That felt important. I couldn’t just back down now.
Sang: I’m so sorry about your mom and your brother. About your dad, too.
Sang: I can’t imagine having known my real mother and lost her.
Sang: I still feel a little sad that my stepmother and I couldn’t find a way to get along, even if I felt the circumstances weren’t her fault.
Sang: I feel guilty about Marie, like I’m leaving her behind.
Sang: I’m afraid Mr. Blackbourne or the Academy will make me learn about my real mother and those secrets before they’ll let me join.
Sang: And I feel like if I don’t join, somehow I might lose you.
I was going to say you all, but it felt important to make sure he knew it was him I was thinking about. I did think of the others, of course. But Gabriel was who I needed to convince right now.
The phone vibrated in my hands again. Each time it did, my heart was in my throat, worried I’d make him mad, and at the same time, relieved he’d answered.
Gabriel: He says we need to know about our pasts so someone doesn?
??t show up one day. If it isn’t a surprise, we’ll be ready.
Gabriel: But what if your parents are secretly axe murderers? Do you really need to know?
Gabriel: If you don’t want to know, you shouldn’t be forced to know.
Gabriel: I know you want in the Academy, but maybe you shouldn’t join if they want you to learn about your real mom.
Relief spread through me. He understood, sympathized. He was talking to me. My heart soared. Maybe he was cranky, but he was helping.
Sang: I wish you were here to talk about this. I know you’re running around with my phone.
Gabriel: This sucks. Sometimes I think they do this on purpose so we’re not together.
I didn’t want to make the others the enemy. The goal was to keep them together, not splinter them.
Sang: It was my fault. I traded my phone with you not realizing if you’re carrying it, they’d have you running around with it.
Sang: Anyway, I’ll have to tell Mr. Blackbourne sometime. I don’t want to disappoint him. I don’t know how to refuse again if he brings it up.
Sang: He wants me in the Academy. I just want to stay with you, in the Academy or not. Whichever lets me stay with you.
I stopped typing. He didn’t respond. I waited for him to come back and say something.
Time passed. No answer.
I waited until my legs were falling asleep sitting on the toilet seat. I couldn’t stay in the bathroom forever without Kota knocking and wondering what was wrong with me. Gabriel couldn’t be too upset with me, though, if he’d finally responded. It would have to be good enough for now.
I cleaned up the torn tissues and wiped my face clean of tears. I sucked in a breath, holding the phone close. I’d forgotten to tell Gabriel I broke his phone. I plotted how I could replace the screen before he got back. Maybe I could ask Kota.
